H8R, hosted by Mario Lopez, debuts this fall on the CW Network. The entire premise is based on the false assumption that celebrity “haters” turn into sniveling cowards when they come face to face with whatever celebrity they’re criticizing. The haters first send in a video rant and is later “ambushed” by the celebrity. A preview with Snooki was released the other day.

The only reason this guy was speechless for the first few minutes was because of the pickly stench that filled the room when Snooki walked in. Jesus. This chick isn’t even a celebrity. If Scarlett Johansson came in and started bitching me out, I’d be scared. I’d have a boner, but I’d be scared. No one is going to be intimidated by this troll. I’d be more scared of Christina Aguilera chasing after me for chocolate.

Also, Mario Lopez needs a better green screen for his monitor.

Sources say Mario Lopez, host of Extra, is so obsessed with having the perfect body that he told his girlfriend Courtney Mazza, currently pregnant, to get a personal trainer, a breast enhancement and liposuction so that he could arrange to be photographed with her in a bikini at the beach. Nice guy.

“Courtney was engaged to a guy in Queens before she met Mario, but once they got together she dropped everything to go to California and be with him,” the source said. “He encouraged her to work out with a trainer every day. She underwent a boob job and liposuction last spring. Once her body was perfect, he arranged for them to be photographed on a beach.”

It’s gonna suck once Courtney pops out that kid since you know Mario is gonna want a fast turnaround on that body. He’ll give her two weeks tops. Any slower and she’ll suffer the indignity of being called a fatty every time she walks through the door. And he’d be justified in saying so. No one likes a fatty and what unmotivated slob of a woman can’t lose the 30 pounds she gained during her 8 month pregnancy in the span of at least two weeks. I mean, really. Only 4 hours of cardio a day? It’s like you’re not even trying.

[Pacific Coast News]

There’s been news of Dustin Diamond’s tell-all for quite some time, but Us Weekly recently got a sneak peek into what may or may not be unsavory behavior of his co-stars while on set. It’s hard to tell as Diamond is like a 12-year-old girl when it comes to sharing secrets. He can’t exactly tell you, but if you guess it then it’s not like he is telling you, right?

“I could smell a certain ‘smoke,’ wafting from from the crack” underneath his castmates’ dressing rooms, says Diamond, 32, who played the dork Screech.”

“If Kelly [Tiffani Thiessen] was interested in Slater [Mario Lopez] one week, then backstage there was a lot going between them in Mario [Lopez]‘s room,” he tells the new Us Weekly. “Then, if Jessie [Elizabeth Berkley] kisses Zack, then you know Elizabeth Berkley is going in Mark-Paul’s room.”

Screech, if you’re going to write a tell-all, I’m going to need some details. What was the certain smoke? Was it Elizabeth Berkley’s peach scented incense? Were pork chop sandwiches burning? What was Tiffani doing in Mario’s room? Were they rehearsing lines? Or are you implying they were doing lines? Either man up and specifically tell the secret or don’t. God has graced me with the skill of part-time writing, Screech, not solving the vague revelations in your book.

When normal, straight males have Karina Smirnoff’s nipple inches away from their mouths, they don’t clench their eyes shut, grimace like they just saw Paris Hilton’s infected vadge and chuck them into the ocean. Which is what Mario Lopez did. Take that for what you will.

Ashton Kutcher continues his cunning assault on gossip rags and paparazzi. In Touch discovered Ashton’s latest dastardly plot for his new show Pop Fiction was one that would knock everyone on their ass. It turns out, the Cartier necklace Mario Lopez gave Eva Longoria was fake. Gasp!

It’s true that Eva Longoria Parker and Mario Lopez are friends, but the Cartier necklace he gave her on March 6 is fake! In Touch can exclusively reveal that the pair were setting up a skit for Ashton Kutcher’s new reality show with a twist, Pop Fiction.

Is this what it comes down too? Was this even reported? Did anyone even care? Mario Lopez gave Eva Longoria a necklace. Hahhaha. You’ve totally outdone yourself this time Ashton. Eva must be red from embarrassment. The necklace wasn’t even real! What an idiot! Wait, you were playing a prank on Eva, right?

Lost is wearing everybody thin. Yet, I still watch it. Is this what an abusive relationship feels like?

Paris Hilton just can’t resist showing her vagina. Those things see more daylight than her hands.

George Clooney was named the new sexiest man alive by People. You’ve won this round George. Just wait till I get a doctor to preform a face transplant ala Face/Off. Guess who’s “donating” their face to me? You! Cackle Cackle.

Victoria’s Secret is coming. Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. On Dec. 5 you will be treated to the biggest tease since your sister.

Katie Holmes spent $3k on lingerie. Tom Cruise probably spent the same amount on some golden vibrator to share. Oh, when worlds collide.

Tom Cruise can’t fit into his tux. What a fatty. Maybe he can get gastric bypass surgery.

Sharon Stone is old. Get the cross. Get it, get it. Where’s my damn silver bullet. Ahh!

A.C. Slater showed early signs of making it to the final round of Dancing With Stars. Who dares question his masculinity now?!

Victoria Beckham doesn’t like Snoop Dogg. Loser.