Mark Wahlberg thought he was still an underwear model when he stepped out in a speedo on the balcony of his Miami Hotel. Hey, put some pants on, you weirdo.

Here’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Mark Wahlberg on the set of Pain and Gain. Notice the difference in the photos. Taken from far away, The Rock looks built and when he does the head nod acknowledging your presence, it commands respect.

Wahlberg on the other hand. From far away he looks like a midget and when he acknowledges your presence with a fey little wave, he looks unsure of himself and you can’t help but laugh.

Mark Wahlberg was caught on set of his new movie Pain and Gain with Tony Shalhoub showing off his biceps. Mark plays Tony’s personal trainer who gives valuable advice such as “do it, you pussy!” and “hey, how about 10 more reps?”

Wait, is that Michael Bay directing? That’s weird. There’s a distinct lack of model ass and explosions in these photos. Is he feeling alright? Well, with any luck, he’ll at least still use subtly racist caricatures for comedic relief.

Oh, look at me, I’m Mark Wahlberg. I can do sit-ups off a wall suspended from the rooftop of a gym. *Scoffs* *Takes bite out of 5th donut*

Me: Hey, Marky Mark, what are you doing?

Mark Wahlberg: Oh, nothing. Just hanging out on my balcony, shirtless, pretending to fix my sweet necklace so I can show off whatever muscle I have. Grr, look at me. I used to be an underwear model.

You can’t blame Mark Wahlberg for anything Mark Wahlberg said. Mark Wahlberg takes no responsibility for Mark Wahlberg. Sure, Mark Wahlberg implied victims of 9/11 were pussies for not disarming the terrorists and safely landing the plane like Mark Wahlberg would have done but that comment was taken out of context. Appearing on the Kid Kraddick Show last Friday, Mark Wahlberg explained:

“I don’t go out doing publicity for movies or a magazine cover talking about what’s important to me. I want to promote the movie and whatever questions they want to ask me I am more than comfortable talking about. But it wasn’t a Q&A (question and answer) where it was the exact question and my exact response. It was somebody’s interpretation of it and you know… that’s not OK because I don’t want people to be offended. I would never do that.”

In the interview, Mark Wahlberg also says he doesn’t masturbate anymore. Now he’s offended by that too.

“This guy is asking me about sexual questions and I’m married and I have four kids, how inappropriate is that?”

Celebrities are more often than not idiots. They live life one sentence at a time. The only way they can think ahead is if it’s written on a piece of paper for them. If it wasn’t for their publicists and agents, they’d swim off the edge of their infinity pools like lemmings.

Internet tough guy Mark Wahlberg told Men’s Journal that if he had been on board that 9/11 flight, he wouldn’t have been a pussy like those other passengers and would have taken action, beating up the terrorists and safely landing the plane. Naturally, relatives of the victims were none to pleased about his comments.

“What? Now they want me to be sorry for stopping 9/11? What a bunch of queeahs,” Mark thought to himself. He thought it best to apologize anyway.

“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.” TMZ

Well, that’s not really an apology. He’s sorry it “came off as insensitive.” It doesn’t sound like he’s changed his mind about being able to save the day. Because it’s the truth. Mark Wahlberg would have single-handedly disarmed the terrorists and landed the plane. “Like a bahs.”

Speaking with Men’s Journal, Mark Wahlberg says if he was on the flight that crashed into the World Trade Center, it would have safely landed on a cloud of marshmallows. Because delicious clouds made of sugar exist in his fantasy world.

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’” Men’s Journal

Not only would Mark Wahlberg have single-handedly disarmed the terrorists, he would have also landed the plane himself. How? Naturally, his training as an actor would have helped him immensely through the whole ordeal.

In an interview with GQ, Mark Wahlberg confirms you will definitely get to see at least 90 more minutes of fake famous people hugging it out. Dreams do come true.

GQ: So what can we expect from an Entourage feature-length?
Mark Wahlberg: I think a 90-minute movie of sheer craziness—the guys getting back to just being about the guys, you know? Lose the ladies. Go crazy. Give people what they want. GQ

Yea bro. That sounds awesome. I can’t wait to see whether or not Vincent Chase gets that movie made or Johnny Drama’s struggle to become relevant again. Kind of like the same thing they’ve done for the past 8 seasons. This movie won’t be repetitive at all!

Drew Barrymore ran into Marky Mark one day and decided to tell him that her character in Going the Distance fawns over how hot he was when he was an underwear model during a phone sex scene with Justin Long. Turns out Marky Mark is an ungrateful ass who doesn’t want to talk about that part of his life. Probably because he thinks he’s a serious actor now. *Stifles laughter*

As Barrymore explains, she had a very awkward exchange with Wahlberg when he learned her character in the film lusts after him. “Oh my God, I did tell him that,” she said. “I ran into him at an awards show and I told him I was just talking about how hot you are in your underwear.” The former underwear model was not impressed.

Barrymore admitted she was confused that Wahlberg was not more excited to be the object of her phone-sex desire.

“Who would not be excited about that?” she asked. “He’s a very nice guy, and I have had other conversations with him that went much better than that.”

Long, Barrymore’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, admits the encounter “didn’t go over great … In [Wahlberg's] defense, it’s a strange thing to bring up. I don’t think he was prepared for it.”

Marky Mark has no sense of humor or any emotion for that matter. You can tell by his acting. His facial expression for joy and anger could both be confused with constipation. The only way you can tell how he’s feeling in a scene is if he says “I’m angry” or “I’m sad”. I heard the crew has to throw water on his face to fake tears because when the director told him to cry, Wahlberg looked at him and said, “I ain’t no bitch.”

It seems like Mark Wahlberg has been filming The Fighter for almost a year already. Last June he was bloody and fit. Now I guess he’s filming scenes for when his character is at the twilight of his career because he’s fat and gasping for breath when he runs. I haven’t seen this dramatic of a change since Britney Spears discovered Starbucks.

Mark Wahlberg was rushed to a hospital Friday morning after breathing in too much smoke while filming The Fighter on Thursday night. A smoke machine being used for atmosphere was running while Mark “acted” and apparently he got a little overzealous with his inhaling. The director must have told him to act angry. He was released shortly thereafter and was back to work the same day.

“When he woke up Friday morning he was gasping for breath so he was taken to Massachusetts General Hospital where he was put on a breathing device that helped clear his lungs.”

It really took until Friday morning to feel the effects from Thursday night? Maybe Mark decided to wake-and-bake and took too big of a hit. That’s entirely possible. It’s also entirely possible that Mark Wahlberg is a big pussy. Take your pick.

You know that Mark Wahlberg dude? The one who’s idea of acting is to play himself in every single role? He’s married now. To long time girlfriend and model Rhea Durham. One of our nation’s most beloved treasures is off the market. He brought us Entourage!

Wahlberg donned a dark suit and the bride wore a white strapless Marchesa dress with silver embroidery and a Neil Lane diamond-and-platinum cushion-cut ring complemented by a diamond bracelet and earrings. “She looked like a princess and beyond stunning. Mark looked ecstatic,” says an eyewitness shortly after the ceremony, which lasted for about 45 minutes in the church, which was decorated with candles and pink and light purple roses.

If this piece of news made you curious as to what good films Mark Wahlberg has starred in, the answer is none. Maybe Boogie Nights. I Heart Huckabees, The Departed and Three Kings were all decent because of the rest of the cast. His IMDB page is basically a list of films you don’t want to watch.