Sinead O’Connor was close to killing herself because she couldn’t find anyone to do anal with but she’s in a better place now. Just yesterday on her birthday, she married Barry Herridge at Las Vegas’ Little White Wedding Chapel and said her “I do’s” in the back of a pink Cadillac.

The Irish singer promised to give fans a full update on Sunday, because “for now. . .it’s a bit of a ‘Can’t. Talk. C-ck. In. Mouth.’ situation.” Us Magazine

Funny, Paris Hilton says the same thing every other day.

Reports are coming in that Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick may be marrying really soon. So not only will her second kid get to make fun of Mason for being an accident but it’ll also get to make fun of him for being a bastard.

Sources say Kourtney won’t turn her wedding into a spectacle like Kim’s. It’ll be a low key, family only event possibly held at the Kardashian house. No word on if it’ll be turned into an E! special but why not? All you have to do to convince a Kardashian to do something is wave a few bills in front of their face. They’re like strippers who don’t take their clothes off. Anymore.

Paul McCartney married his 51-YEAR-OLD (!!) American heiress and cousin of Barbara Walters girlfriend, Nancy Shevell, on Saturday. They exchanged vows at London’s Old Marylebone Town Hall. The same town hall where McCartney married his first wife and on what would have been John Lennon’s 71st birthday. Note that there is no mention of Paul’s second wife, Peg Leg, I mean, Heather Mills who he went through a bitter divorce with.

Also note the exclamation marks after 51-year-old.  That’s Nancy Shevell’s age! By comparison, Madonna is 53 and looks like she broke out of a crypt after a shaman brought her back to life. Nancy looks like a 30-something. What’s her secret? Is it virgin sacrifice?

Contrary to reports, Tara Reid did not have a shotgun wedding with Danish businessman Michael Lilleund. He vehemently denied this vicious rumor as most men would.

According to a tweet, Tara really married Zack Keyayov in Greece over the weekend.

Awww, isn’t that adorable? She thinks we care.

Tara Reid managed to trick someone into marrying her. Her rep confirmed to PEOPLE that Tara is now wed to Danish businessman Michael Lilleund who she met in Saint-Tropez last November. She’ll never have to stumble drunk into an empty home again!

Not wanting to make the same mistake she did with Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann who she was engaged to in 2010, she went from engagement to marriage in less than two hours.

At 8:58 a.m. on Saturday, Tara tweeted, “I just got engaged!”

At 10:23 a.m., she wrote, “Greece married!”

This begs the question, how much alcohol did she have to ply Lilleund with to make this happen? A lot or a truckload? Whichever it was, it was about time. She wasn’t getting any younger and her breasts definitely weren’t getting any more symmetrical.

On Saturday, Rachel Weisz’s rep confirmed to Celebuzz that she and Daniel Craig, who’ve been dating since November after hooking up on the set of The Dream House, had married.

The Daily Mail says it was a secret ceremony attended by four people in New York last Wednesday. Guests included Daniel’s 18-year-old daughter Ella and Rachel’s son Henry plus two family friends acting as witnesses.

I’d have kept my marriage a secret too. I don’t want all the girls I’m going to have sex with to know I’m married. There’s goes that plan. Gosh, thanks a lot, Rachel Weisz’s publicist.

Last we heard from Lily Allen, she had her second miscarriage. It was a terrible time for her but undeterred, she tried again. This time keeping news of her pregnancy out of the public spotlight. Until today when The Sun reported the 26-year-old married her boyfriend Sam Cooper at a church for a country wedding while sporting a baby bump because she’s four months pregnant.

The only thing that threatened to ruin her big day was a zit on her nose which she later tweeted she had “lanced with a safety pin. FYI it was gross.” Other than that, there was no miscarriage so it could be said that Sunday was a rousing success.

I don’t know if you heard but there was a Royal Wedding this morning. I had the live stream on while I was sleeping so I could absorb all the festivities through osmosis. It didn’t quite work out as planned but the 500 degree heat in my room did cause me to wake up every few hours to random guys giving long speeches. It sort of reminded me of college. Did this thing really run for 5 hours? If I was at this wedding, I’d be looking at the minister or whoever and tapping my watch impatiently. And if I was a chick, I’d also be covering my ears like the bridesmaid up top and also shouting, “No, no, no, no, no!”

Anyway, I missed their “first” kiss. It was quick and not as dirty as I’d hoped.

This is probably exactly how Prince William kisses his grandmother. I would have gone all out. The entire bottom half of Kate Middleton’s face would have been in my mouth. Ceremony video under the cut.

Good news everybody. That girl who was once famous for being on that reality show that spawned a bunch of other reality show spinoffs starring that other girl and now is just known as that former reality show star is getting married! That’s right. I’m talking about Kristin Cavallari. She’s marrying Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.

Cutler whisked her away on a surprise trip to Cabo San Lucas over the weekend where he proposed to her. She said yes, apparently. Most women usually do when a millionaire football star proposes to them. He must have gotten fantastic head when he gave her that ring.

It’s an age old love story. Man meets woman. Man falls in love with woman. Man and woman don’t know how to tell their spouses that they’ve been cheating on them. Man and woman are caught on camera cheating on them. Man and woman finally tell their spouses and divorce. Man tries to model woman as an exact replica of his ex-wife. Man and woman secretly marry at their house over the weekend.

The man and woman in this case are Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes who married in a private ceremony on Friday in front of 40 guests.

“LeAnn and Eddie were happily married today surrounded by their closest family and friends,” the bride’s spokesman, Rhett Usry, confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. “They thank everyone for their well wishes.”

What a Cinderella story. LeAnn Rimes is fulfilling every little girl’s fantasy of finding the right guy during her marriage to some other guy. Life couldn’t get any more perfect for these two.

Mike Myers has constantly been dogged by gay rumors. Probably because he looks goofy and acts fanciful. Although that sounds more like an insult to the gay community than anything else.

Well, let those gay rumors end and beard/post-op rumors begin as Page Six reports Myers secretly married his long time girlfriend Kelly Tisdale, Moby’s ex, five months ago in a private ceremony.

“International Man of Mystery” Myers, 47, and the 30-something Tisdale began dating in 2006, shortly after Myers split from his first wife, comedy writer and actress Robin Ruzan, after a 12-year marriage.
Tisdale dated musician and producer Moby in the 1990s, and they co-founded Lower East Side hipster cafe Teany.
Myers and Tisdale were outed in 2006 when they were spotted vacationing together in Hawaii. They’ve since lived at his shagadelic digs in SoHo. Tisdale confirmed the relationship to the National Enquirer at the time, saying, “We’re actually surprised you guys didn’t find out about us sooner.” We’re surprised we didn’t find out about the wedding sooner.

Can things be considered secret if nobody cares about it or goes out of their way to hide it? That’s like saying I secretly ate a pastrami sandwich when in reality I ate a pastrami sandwich by myself because I have no friends and no one cares about me. You know what? I don’t want to talk about it.

Kelsey Grammer ditched his old and busted, Camille Grammer, and traded up for his new hotness, Kayte Walsh. The two exchanged vows today during a private ceremony surrounded by family and friends at Longacre Theater in NYC.

David Hyde Pierce who played Kelsey’s brother-in-law on Fraiser called the ceremony wonderful while Alan Arkin said they looked “very much in love.” Meanwhile, everyone else who wasn’t pressed for comment just made a dismissive wanking motion.

According to reports, Sandra Bullock was aware of Jesse James and Kat Von D’s engagement before they announced it to the whole world. That makes him only 99% asshole-ish now apparently.

Anyway, not ones to waste time, Radar says the two are getting married next month in a small ceremony outside of California.

“Jesse and Kat don’t see any reason why they should wait to trade vows,” a source close to the couple explained.

“They are madly in love with each other and want to make everything official.”

Please don’t tell me they’re marrying on Valentine’s Day and that they’re getting tattoos to celebrate their marriage. I’m tired of groaning and I can only shake my head so much before I suffer brain damage.