By now, everyone has to be aware that the “Got Milk?” ads are a sly attempt at connecting milk with a facial. That’s why adverts depicting Hayden Panettiere, Amanda Bynes and others with a milk mustache are met with such enthusiasm.

Well, the bright minds running the milk campaign thought it would be a good idea to have Martha Stewart in one of their trademark ads. They’re jackasses. Now I have these gross images of Martha opening her mouth and saying “Ahhh,” popping into my head. Is this hell? Do you think I can stop these vile thoughts by stabbing myself in the brain with a chopstick?

Martha Stewart was on Howard Stern last week talking about her life in and out of prison. She called her $1,200 vibrator a “very good tool” and while in prison was asked out on dates by some of the inmates. Martha says she ran into “girls with mustaches and girls with beards [who] would ask me for lunch.”

I didn’t think I’d ever imagine Martha Stewart with a vibrator in my lifetime and she pretty much destroyed my fantasy of women in prison. Why not just tell me Santa Claus is a convicted sex offender or Jessica Alba is a man? Or hey, rip out my genitals because I won’t ever be using them again.

Martha Stewart sent four of her staffers to infiltrate a taping of Rachael Ray’s new talk show. The security guard recognized them and kicked them out for using fake names. You can read what People thought of the show here. Hint: Blah.

If you can take anything away from this story, it’s that prison won’t make you street smart. Now, you may say, “but you’ve never been to prison, how would you know?” I understand your concerns. With my innumerable volunteer work at local outreach programs, I assure you that I know what I’m talking about. Had I not been voted greatest big brother ever, I would not make these statements with such confidence. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I’m your moral superior.