Mary J. Blige and her saggy ass were poolside in Miami today stuffing a bunch of food in their mouths. You know how sometimes women pose a certain way over and over again because they have one great angle? Mary J. Blige doesn’t have any of those. She could hide behind a wall and it would still be a bad angle.

Mary J. Blige thought her husband Kendu Isaacs was flirting with a waitress at her record release party at M2 Tuesday night. She quickly resolved the situation by punching him in the face like anyone else would have. Page Six details:

“She turned to him and was screaming, ‘You’re not going to ruin my night,’ ” our witness says. “They got up in each other’s faces before someone tried to separate them, at which point she shoved the guy aside, pulled back and popped [Isaacs] in the face.” The source said Blige, Isaacs and their entourage were whisked through a door to the attached club Pink, which was closed. Our witness relates, “She was yelling at him, ‘What are you gonna do, Chris Brown me?’ Four of her bodyguards and two of the club’s kept them apart.” Isaacs was kicked out. Blige went to the bathroom to fix her hair and makeup, but soon fled, creating an uncomfortable scene for partygoers Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Busta Rhymes. Her rep said only, “People lie and don’t know what they’re talking about.”

I like how Mary J. Blige punched him in the face and then lauded over him the fact that he can’t do anything about it because if he did, he’d be a social pariah like Chris Brown and possibly get his ass kicked. What’s even funnier is that that he got thrown out afterward. Women are so dumb sometimes. They think they can get away with anything. Which is sort of dangerous because one day they might run into a guy, let’s call him Chris Brown, who doesn’t give a shit. It’s like if I pushed over a guy in a wheelchair and said, “What are you gonna do about it? Chase me?” Then I did it again to someone else the next day but then they stand up from their chair. Aww, crap. No disability? Well, that’s not fair.

Mary J. Blige, 50 Cent, Timbaland, Wyclef Jean and actor Tyler Perry have all been accused of ordering steroids and HGH [human growth hormones] from doctors and pharmacists according to an article by the Albany Times Union. The stars supposedly used fake names to be prescribed the drugs by a doctor out of Florida. None of them are being accused of doing anything wrong. Mary J. Blige denied these reports.

“Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids,” the singer’s spokeswoman Karynne Tencer told the Daily News.

This is a sad day indeed. I know you guys can never be naturally as strong and chiseled as me, but that’s no reason to take anabolics or HGH. Be happy with what you are; a wrinkly pipsqueak with muscles of an 8 year old and eye-bags of a 60 year old. Trust me. Being so genetically awesome isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Ha. Who am I kidding? It’s the greatest thing ever. I wanted to make you feel better, but why play this charade? You wouldn’t lie about banging a supermodel would you? Of course not. Coincidentally, I banged a supermodel yesterday. I am teh win.