Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen showed so much promise before they turned 18. Now they scare me and I’m genuinely baffled by how they have a multi-million dollar fashion empire. Girls want to dress like this? They look like a couple of old, rich, eccentric white women. I’m half expecting them to offer me some tea from their ivory carved teapot.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen haven’t been heard from in a while because they’ve been swimming around in their money vault like Scrooge McDuck but they made an appearance at the WWD 100 Anniversary Gala in NY yesterday. To no one’s amazement, they still dress like homeless witches. I half expected them to bite the head off a snake and cast a spell on me. Also, why does Mary-Kate (or is that Ashley) look so shifty? Did she queef?

For those of you that still hold out hope that Mary-Kate Olsen will magically turn into Megan Fox levels of hot just like you hoped she would when you stumbled upon the website with the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen 18th birthday countdown clock, I’ve got good news. She’s single!

The 23-year-old split with her boyfriend Nate Lowman before Valentine’s Day. Obviously not too broken up about it, Mary-Kate was seen at a BAFTA after-party making out with Josh Hartnett in a dark corner. Coincidentally, those are my favorite kinds of corners.

[Images: Bauer-Griffin/Fame]

Holy crap. When did Mary-Kate Olsen start taking fashion cues from Ozzy Osbourne?

[Mary-Kate Olsen out and about in NYC. Image via Splash News]

Leave it up to Mary-Kate Olsen to look at the bright side of things. While everyone else watches their future spiral down the drain, Mary-Kate is finding great deals on clothing.

A Page Six spy, who recently shared an elevator at Barneys with the diminutive actress, reports Olsen was excited about all the discounted merchandise for the taking. “It’s really sad – the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales,” said Olsen, who pointed to her hat. “That’s where I got this! The recession!” Olsen ogled a $410 menorah and pillows and throws for her bed, but didn’t buy them.

Mary-Kate then described the delicious food they served at homeless shelters which can be easily stolen from the hands of those weak, frail bums and the cute puppies that those kids with cancer won’t be needing anymore. That song was right. This is the most wonderful time of the year.

The National Enquirer via The Post Chronicle alleges that Mary-Kate Olsen could be with child. They say her weight shooting up to 102lbs is a clear indication.

“Mary-Kate has been looking a lot rounder recently. It is good she has put on weight, because she previously suffered from anorexia, but a lot of people think she could actually be attempting to hide her pregnancy.”

First of all, no healthy adult “shoots up” to 102lbs. That’s like saying Rosie O’Donnell slimmed down to a svelte 245lbs. Second of all, Mary-Kate is so skinny that her womb has become a barren wasteland devoid of any nutrition. Putting a fetus in there is similar to putting a hamster in an empty box for 8 months. That is, if it hasn’t chewed through the cardboard, i.e. the placenta, before then, it’s not coming out alive.

Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate are reportedly fighting over whether or not to have breast enlargements. Mary-Kate doesn’t want to because she’s into that waifish look and thinks clothes look better with less cleavage. Ashley, on the other hand, wants tits. Star writes:

“Ashley is considering getting her boobs done because she wants to look more voluptuous,” says one source. “And she told Mary-Kate that she wanted her to get one at the same time so that it wouldn’t be glaringly obvious that Ashley had work done. That way, they could say that they had just both matured and were filling out naturally.”

Oh yea, I’m sure it wouldn’t be obvious that they had work done. People don’t notice these things at all. It’s not like I didn’t send Marisa Miller a letter yesterday telling her to check that mole in quadrant 4 of her left breast because it seems to have grown .3 centimeters.

Mary-Kate Olsen’s friend was backing out of a parking spot in her Prius when she slammed into an El Pollo Loco delivery car. The paps swarmed the scene while Mary-Kate’s friend was exchanging information with the car’s owner. Eventually, Mary-Kate, fed up with the attention, faced the paparazzo and told him, “Get out of the fucking window. Are you kidding me? You guys are…,” and like star crossed lovers, the photog finished her sentence. “…Animals.” He continued, “Yea, an-i-mals. I’m a cow,” then he started mooing at Mary-Kate. Well played Mr. Cameraman. Well played.

Rumors are coming in that Ashley Olsen may have fired her sister, Mary-Kate, from their clothing line The Row. Ashley didn’t think Mary-Kate’s partying and all around debauchery was a good image for the company and has asked her to step down.

“She asked her sister to step back from her current responsibilities until she has her personal life together.” Instead, MK will focus on their more affordable line, Elizabeth and James, for which their roles were always less hands-on.

What a bitch. If I was Mary-Kate, I wouldn’t go out without making a scene. I’d angrily brush everything off my desk and stomp around yelling, “How could you do this to me?” Then I’d go right up to Ashley and slap her right in her holier-than-thou face. Then I’d get the hell out before she realizes what just happened. Ahhhh! I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

That’s Mary-Kate in the picture above. How did she skip her 20′s and end up in her 30′s.

Seven months ago, Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose. I don’t know what investigators have been doing since then, but on Wednesday, his case was officially closed. Prosecutors have decided not to look into how Heath got his hands on the illegal painkillers that caused his death.

The decision comes after recent reports that actress Mary-Kate Olsen was demanding immunity before answering questions about the startling death of her close friend and his drug use. Authorities say she was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old “Dark Knight” actor’s lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.

The DEA had obtained a subpoena that could have forced Olsen if she continued to hold out. But the subpoena, issued in April, is no longer valid because it was contingent upon prosecutors pursuing the case, the official said Wednesday. The official added that the case could still be revived if evidence of a crime emerges.

Mary-Kate Olsen must have blew everyone at the DEA. That’s the only logical explanation.

Yesterday, the New York Post published a piece claiming the Feds were looking to question Mary-Kate Olsen about the death of Heath Ledger. Specifically, they wanted to ask her about two painkillers, OxyContin and Vicodin, that contributed to his overdose. Mary-Kate has agreed to speak with them, but only if she receives immunity. Despite this plea bargain, Mary-Kate’s lawyer denies she had anything to do with Heath’s death. He released this statement:

“Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them,” he said in a statement.

Miller added that “we have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.

“We don’t know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the government’s inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate.”

Um, what’s the immunity for then? Diseases? Someone should really tell Mary-Kate that the government doesn’t have the power to give her that kind of immunity. That’s something you get shots for. “Oh, but I don’t like needles,” Mary-Kate would say. God, so dumb, so dumb.

Mary-Kate went on the Late Show with David Letterman last week and said Spencer Pratt was a crybaby in high school. Spencer Pratt fired back saying they didn’t go to the same high school, even though they did at one point. It seemed a D-list war of words had erupted. Now, evidence has been unearthed that Spencer started it.

In a 2007 Details article about Brody Jenner, Pratt bragged how he made $50,000 by selling a picture of Mary-Kate drunk at a party. He also spoke about his plan for Jenner to date Nicole Richie and get her to eat and have Brody date every girl on The Hills.

Perhaps most ironic: He spends 20 minutes talking about how he wants to make a sex video with girlfriend Heidi Montag and then post it online. It’s the height of hypocrisy, if you believe Lauren Conrad’s claim that Pratt started the feud between her and Montag by spreading rumors of a sex tape starring Conrad.

It’s pretty obvious Spencer Pratt is a crybaby moron. What wasn’t obvious was how big of a crybaby moron he is. Apparently, he’s a really big one. I bet if you accidentally bumped into Spencer on the street, he’d be up in your face giving you a five minute lecture on why you should watch where you’re going. But when you raise your fist like you’re about to beat him up, he’ll start sniveling and crying and possibly pee his pants. You’ll feel sort of sorry for him and instead of punching him, you’ll stuff him in a garbage can. After which, you’ll say something clever like, “That’s what I call taking out the trash.” This will result in thunderous applause and women throwing themselves at you.

Rich, semi-famous people like Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have a lot of time on their hands. When they’re not laughing at the homeless, they’re throwing whacked out parties like this. These parties usually have themes that are a throwback to a phase they grew out of from their childhood. For example, gangster rap/the urban lifestyle, flannel and minorities. Here is one of those parties. The theme was flannel, but the outcome was all retardation.

[Images via ONTD]