James Franco made an appearance on the set of Lovelace on Thursday where he dressed up as Hugh Hefner for a cameo in the movie. Lindsay must be kicking herself right now. If she wasn’t such a screw-up, she could be trying to have sex with him right now.

In related news, due to Demi Moore now just “wanting to get high, man,” she will be replaced by Mary-Louise Parker sarah  Jessica Parker in the role of Gloria Steinem.

In the January 2011 edition of Esquire, Mary-Louise Parker says she’d rather give a gummer to a meth addict than use Twitter. Well, okay, she didn’t say that exactly, but she might as well have. It’s implied.

Her real quote, “I’d rather have to put my teeth in a jar at the end of the day than Twitter.”

Then she went on to say a bunch of other stuff that belongs inside a poorly translated fortune cookie. For example, talking about her work not being for everyone, “If I were a beer, I definitely would not be a Budweiser.” What beer would you be then, Mary? Is it a Heineken?

She added, “If being honest is the goal, I can unzip to a pretty deep level. But what you get today is not necessarily what you’ll get tomorrow.” How long did the awkward silence last after she said this. I would assume a while because the interviewer needed time to recover from bashing himself over the head with a toaster.

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, called an ambulance for Zsa Zsa to rush her to UCLA Medical Center. He told TMZ, “I just called an ambulance. She has to go back to UCLA.” Anholt said the 93-year-old Gabor was unresponsive and clearly in distress.

Yikes! Hopefully these photos of Mary-Louise Parker in H magazine will help us through these trying times. If there’s one thing I learned in medical school, it’s that looking at women acting seductive cures anything… or was it don’t nick an artery. Well, whatever.

Mary-Louise Parker did an interview with Vanity Fair where she talks about never having smoked marijuana despite playing a pot dealer on Showtime’s Weeds. Gasp! Consider my reality shattered.

Wait, you don’t smoke marijuana, or you’ve never smoked it?
I’ve never smoked it.

Wow. That’s like finding out Tommy Chong never touched the stuff. I feel so betrayed.
I guess if it was going to happen, it would’ve happened when I was younger. But that was never an effective or interesting form of rebellion for me. Because everybody did it. Marijuana was just a social thing. It wasn’t dangerous or frowned upon. If I’d been popular in high school, I’m sure I would have wanted to do it. But I wasn’t.

So you didn’t smoke pot because nobody was offering it to you?
Oh no, it was definitely offered to me. All the time. I was hanging around a lot of musicians, so I definitely had access to drugs. It just never appealed to me. Everybody was doing it, and I didn’t want to be part of the crowd. There was no part of me that wanted to fit in.

You should do a P.S.A. You’ve almost convinced me that pot is boring.
Yeah, probably. But I’m not saying pot is a bad thing. I know plenty of people who should be smoking pot. I’m just not one of those people. I don’t think it would be the best drug for me. What am I going to do, start doing drugs at my age? It’s a little late. I’m a mother of two. It’s probably not the best idea for me to start getting into it now.

Well, I know a few mothers who still partake.
Yeah, I do too. They just wait until their kids are asleep. I don’t know, I guess marijuana just wasn’t made for me. It’s not like I haven’t tried.

Wait, back up. I thought you never smoked?
I didn’t smoke, it was a lollipop.

There is so much about that sentence I don’t understand.
O.K., here’s what happened. I was at a party, and I’d been kind of sick recently. I was in the hospital and on some really heavy antibiotics. But I went to this party anyway, and I was in the bathroom the whole night, on the floor. I was just so ill. Somebody at the party was like, “The only thing that’s going to help your nausea is marijuana.” And I’m like, “I don’t have any!” But then I remembered, somebody had given me a pot lollipop.

A lollipop made with THC?
Yeah. We did something about pot lollipops on Weeds. But those were props, obviously. Then somebody gave me some real ones. People give me pot all the time. I put them up in my closet, on the very, very top shelf, where I keep all my shoes, just so my kids wouldn’t find them. I don’t need that.

Why did you keep them at all?
I guess I thought … I don’t know. Maybe I’d have guests over to the house and they’d want to … ? I have no clue what I thought I was going to do with them.

You weren’t a little bit curious?
A little, yeah. My entire life, I never wanted anything to do with marijuana, but then it became a thing. You know what I mean? “I don’t smoke pot.” That was my thing. So when I was sick, I was like, “What the hell?” I was actually kind of excited about it. I was like, “Oh my god, I’m 45 and I’m having my first pot experience!” But it did nothing.

You didn’t feel high?
I didn’t feel anything! I mean, I still felt ill, but I didn’t get any of the happy effects you’re supposed to have. I don’t know, maybe the lollipops went bad? Does pot have an expiration date?

Are you sure you were doing it right? I wouldn’t even know what to do with a pot lollipop. Do you lick it or light it?
I licked it. But somebody told me that you need to eat it. Somebody quite famous who grows his own, he told me I should be eating it. But at this point, I feel like “Why bother?” I gave it a shot, it didn’t work. I’m over it.

It’s not for lack of opportunities. You said people give you pot all the time?
They do, yeah.

Is it just bags of weed, or do they make you bouquets out of marijuana leaves?
I’ve gotten a little of everything. But I usually don’t keep it. Sometimes I give it away to friends who smoke. Or I just thank them and walk away and leave it on a table.

That’s all well and good but what the hell is up with the Vanity Fair photo of Mary-Louise Parker. She’s so skinny she’s almost invisible. The only reason I didn’t confuse her for a coat rack is because she turned around.

Finally, HQ scans of Mary-Louise Parker in this months Esquire have come out. I have no idea what the article actually says. I know it starts out with “Dear Ms. Parker,” but I stopped reading after that because I don’t want to read some fanboy’s gay fantasy letter to Mary-Louise Parker.

If I had wrote this, you wouldn’t even be reading words. Instead, I’d find some way to project myself from the pages of the magazine to dry hump Parker like Quinton Jackson. I’m not sure how I’d go about doing it, probably with the help of a shaman or something, but mark my words, it will be extremely uncomfortable, maybe even more so than when he did it. And it’d be done with so much force that her hip might actually break.

Click through for the full size NSFW images.

After only two months, Mary-Louise Parker has called off her engagement to her Weeds co-star Jeffrey Dean Morgan. The Associated Press reports,

The person, who requested anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the relationship, said the couple had differing lifestyles, but that Parker holds Morgan in the highest regard and hopes they remain friends.

This goes to show that you should always ask for anal before you get engaged. Rookie mistake Jeffrey.

Weeds actor, Mary-Louise Parker, quietly adopted a baby girl from Africa. Surprisingly, the adoption didn’t turn into a circus like with Madonna and Angelina Jolie. It also helps that people barely know who this is.

“Mary-Louise is such an incredible mom,” says a source. “She couldn’t be happier about this.”

Her reps refused to go into any more details except to say that Angelina Jolie and Madonna aren’t the only ones who can raise an African baby. The rep then said, “Suck on that bitches!”

Note: Quote may not be real.