Jokingly, of course. Matt Damon sat down for an interview to promote his new movie We Bought a Zoo and was told that when asked what kind of animal he would most be like, Scarlett Johansson said it would be a baby hippo.

“I would be a baby hippo?” Matt asked me. “That is sweet. If Scarlett were an animal, what would she be … Uh, a baby hippo — bitch!” HuffPo

I would have compared Scarlett Johansson to a unicorn that gave out hand jobs. But that would be more wishful thinking than anything else.

Ugh, this is a slow news day.

The trailer for Contagion directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring every single actor in Hollywood was recently released. It’s like Outbreak but with birds.

One of the stars in the film is Gwyneth Paltrow who dies early on in the trailer and boy does she look stunning on her deathbed. I haven’t seen this much beauty since Sean Penn dressed in drag earlier today. Those two should get together and have an ugly off.

Sigh. I think I’m in love. I want to use that picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in every single Gwyneth Paltrow post from now on.

If you remember back to Tuesday, George Clooney was at a press conference in Venice when a reporter told George he was gay, stripped off his clothes and told him that if he was going to marry a guy, let it be him (vide0 down below). Matt Damon went on David Letterman last night and admitted that this was his doing.

Damon explained that Pitt was getting tired of questions about when he was going to marry Angelina so he joked that he’ll marry once “George Clooney marries his boyfriend.” An Italian journalist then went up to Matt and asked if it was true that Clooney had a secret gay lover. Of course, Matt said yes and said they’ve known the friend for years.

Which is why on Tuesday, a reporter stood up, stripped and said, ‘George!…I am a gay.’ And this guy starts peeling his clothes off and he says, ‘If you musta choose, choose me!’ ”

A clever prank to get Matt Damon back would be to cut his brake lines. That or fill his entire front lawn with Real Dolls like they were ornamental flamingos. I’m still partial to the brake line prank though. [E!]

Matt Damon is a father: Matt Damon and wife, Luciana, welcomed another girl on Wednesday, Aug. 20th. She will join sisters Isabella, 2, and Alexia, 10, and bring estrogen levels in the Damon household to dizzying heights. Just a reminder to Matt when all his daughters reach puberty. Don’t look in the bathroom trash can, just don’t. Dropped your watch in it? Leave it dude, it’s gone.

Jennifer Garner pregnant again: Ending months of speculation, Jennifer Garner admitted to Access Hollywood that she’ll give birth to another little monster. The perfect companion for her two-year-old daughter Violet. The sex of the child is not yet known, but then again, neither are the genus or species.

Matt Damon was named by People Magazine as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive” after last year George Clooney jokingly campaigned for him to get the crown. However, despite the honor, Matt Damon declined the award and instead thought that New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, deserved it.

When Damon learned he was chosen — he turned them down! Damon wrote People a “fabulous” letter explaining that he doesn’t normally talk about his personal life. He said he was blushing when he read that he had been picked. While he got a huge kick out of the nod, he didn’t feel worthy, he said. “You just gave an aging suburban dad ego boost of a lifetime,” he wrote.

Meanwhile, who does Damon think should be named Sexiest Man Alive? In his letter to People, the actor suggested New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Brady’s response? “Matt and I always argue about who’s sexier!”

Matt Damon and Tom Brady probably get together on Saturday nights to do each other’s hair and playfully paw at each other and coo, “You’re the sexiest. No, you’re the sexiest. You’re so silly. You’re the sexiest. No, you’re the sexiest.” This nauseating spectacle lasts until they tire out and fall asleep in each other’s arms. At the same time, George Clooney can be found weeping outside their window.

On Sept. 3, Matt Damon will make a guest appearance on PBS’s Arthur as himself in bear form or in creepy pervert-looking form. Is this the famed episode where Arthur is inappropriately touched? Can anteaters be inappropriately touched? I mean, look at his shirt. It’s been a while since I read Arthur, but I don’t remember anyone wearing anything that suggestive. Besides that lion in crotchless, leather chaps.

Universal Studios hung a 50 foot billboard on the side of Matt Damon’s Manhattan coop apartment, where he lives with his wife and daughter, to promote The Bourne Ultimatum. The advertisement says “On August 3 Bourne comes home.” Universal has used this leased space for other movies such as Man of the Year.

That’s cool. I wish they’d hang a 50 foot billboard of me naked on the side of my apartment. Just kidding. I’m shy. Also, they’d need at least 80 feet of billboard and I don’t think my apartment building is that tall.

On Good Morning America, Matt Damon labeled his love scenes with Angelina Jolie in The Good Shepherd as “weird“. Neither Brad Pitt nor Matt Damon’s wife, Luciana Bozan, minded and Pitt even wished them luck. According to Matt,

Doing a love scene with the girlfriend of a good friend is weird. We all know each other.

Angelina Jolie couldn’t care less.

While Jolie was happy to kiss her lover’s friend, she found it harder to play a character who was her complete opposite in real life.

There’s really no way sex or even fake sex with the boner inducing Angelina Jolie could be weird. Kinky, filthy, hot, frightening or tearful maybe, but not weird. Sex with Angelina Jolie would be the pinnacle of my existence. It would be only the fifth time I cried after orgasm and it wouldn’t be from shame. But here Matt Damon feels awkward that Jolie is his friend’s wife. Oh please. If there’s one thing the Care Bears have taught me it’s that sharing is caring and that railing one of the hottest women ever is pretty damn awesome.

This is the only decent acting Matt Damon has done in a while. Jimmy Kimmel has had a long running skit of snubbing Matt Damon, but last week he finally got him on the show. After his long intro, he tells Matt he’s out of time and Matt gets pissed. Such passion. Such conviction. To have Ben Affleck as your muse is a most wonderful thing.

Matt Damon, who my friend affectionately refers to as hairy crack Matt, has captured the interest of J.J. Abrams. So much so that Abrams is looking to cast Damon as a young Captain Kirk in the Star Trek movie he’s directing and producing. Abrams is so serious that he even went as far as asking William Shatner, the original Captain Kirk, for his blessing which he indeed got.

The new Star Trek movie is said to center on Kirk and Spock’s early days in the Star Fleet Academy. So all you fans, dust off those uniforms, set your phasers on stun and glue on those Spock ears so you can once again hold your head up high as you brave through all the ridicule. Then when you get out of your parents’ house, go meet up with your fellow Trekkies to be ostracized one more time.