Matt Lauer giggled like a school girl during an interview with Jean Chatzky when she mentioned how companies shrink the size of their package to trick consumers. Because package is slang for penis, you see.

Lauer asked if the size of the package is important and then when Jean started explaining how it is, Matt broke down laughing. Then he pushed his tongue against his cheek and moved his hand back and forth in front of his mouth and asked her out to dinner. This gentleman really knows how to treat a lady.

Dina Lohan showed up on Today where she finally admitted Lindsay Lohan has a drug problem despite years of denial.

She says Lindsay is a changed person from only five weeks of rehab. “She’s just a different person. She’s been in a couple facilities, but this one to me has really changed her.” Consider that this rehab isn’t really a rehab because Lindsay can leave to shop and get Starbucks whenever she wants. The only thing that’s changed is she’s gotten pretty good at escaping a real jail sentence.

When asked why Dina denied her daughter was a drug abuser the last time she was on Today, Dina gave an excuse she found in a fortune cookie.

“Yes,” she is comfortable admitting Lindsay is an addict, Dina told Lauer. And the reason she’d been unwilling to admit as much before was because Lindsay had to admit it first. “As a mother it wasn’t for me to come and tell the world about her problem … I wasn’t in denial. It was for her to come to her evolution. As a mother we protect. Now I’m happy and relieved myself.”

Translation: I didn’t want to publicly admit Lindsay had a problem because she was still my golden goose but now there’s hard evidence she took cocaine so I kind of have to.

Dina later whispered in Matt Lauer’s ear, “Do you guys do direct deposit?”

Dina Lohan spoke with Matt Lauer on Today about, who else, Lindsay Lohan. Dina begins the interview by bragging, “Actually, the judge is now being recused. We have a new judge on the case. I don’t know if you know that. It just happened two days ago. So I think she went overboard and played serious hardball with Lindsay.”

Dina was then asked if Lindsay deserved jail time for her offense. She replied that Lindsay didn’t violate anything (she did) and she just missed a couple of classes that she made up and she was working at the time (she wasn’t). Then Dina once again goes back to how Judge Marsha Revel took herself off the case like it’s proof that Revel had it out for Lindsay.

Other important points in the interview include:

- Lindsay will be getting out of rehab early
- The media is a bunch of liars intent on pushing their propaganda to sell magazines
- Lindsay was in jail with murderers (implying she didn’t belong) and that she’s made friends with some of them
- According to Dina, Lindsay has only been in rehab twice
- She says she’s been there for Lindsay and then says she let Lindsay go to LA when she was 19 and let her fall and fail alone because without failure, there is no success. Uh huh.
- Dina was in the entertainment industry too! Although, no one knows it.

One of the biggest reasons Lindsay is the way she is is because her own mother makes excuses for her. She did nothing wrong, poor little lamb. Everyone is out to get her. They just want to see her fall. See? Dina can prove it because even the judge had to recuse herself before she was fired. A fact she mentions 10 times in the interview.

Ugh. Lindsay is surrounded by so many yes-men that she believes nothing she does is wrong. Lindsay could have been raised by wolves and came out with a better sense of responsibility.

Matt Lauer has denied ever having an affair with singer Alexis Houston. Alexis even held a press conference last week to confirm that. Well, Matt needs to modify his statement because Alexis Houston used to be Wellington Houston and in 1996, his original name was Stuart.

Whitney Houston sued Wellington (whose original name was Stuart) in 1996 because he was claiming to be her cousin. Whitney alleged that Wellington used the false relationship to defraud an elderly New York doctor of $100,000 using credit cards and forged checks, the AP reported at the time.

Wellington resurfaced in 2001 with a demo CD titled “All’s Well.” The Daily Record in Glasgow, Scotland, gushed: “Whitney Houston’s pop crown is under threat — from her own cousin. Wellington Houston, 23, is being hailed as the next big thing in the US. But although Whitney sings on his demo CD, Wellington doesn’t want to cash in on his famous family. He said, ‘All I want from my family are good wishes.’ ”

According to one source who has known the singer for years, Wellington had sex-change surgery three years ago after a man fell in love with the cross-dressing singer and paid for the operation.

“She told me they got married in Niagara Falls,” said our source, “but they have since separated.”

Alexis’ Web site said she started singing in the choir at the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark when she was 6.

“How many others have you fooled?!,” Matt asked before running to the bathroom and slamming the door shut to muffle his loud sobs.

Matt Lauer and his wife of 12 years Annette Lauer are splitting after Annette confronted him about cheating during the Today Show’s on-site coverage of the Winter Olympics. Matt chose to skip Valentine’s Day so he could flirt and drink with two pretty Canadian broadcasters. As he should have. You don’t pass up an opportunity like that. By law, when two pretty Canadian broadcasters hit on you and get drunk with you, you are required to ask for a threesome.

Bruno got emotional during an interview with Matt Lauer of the Today show when Lauer informed Bruno that the Austrian Minister to Great Britain had called for a boycott of the film Bruno.

A distraught Bruno, who said it was the first time he was hearing this, asked for a close-up on his sad face and went in to hug Matt. The show faded out before they embraced. Which sucked. I wanted some closure.

Miss California Carrie Prejean hit up the Today Show to discuss her vocal opposition to gay marriage. Last Sunday, Prejean said that due to her beliefs, she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman. This morning she defended herself to Matt Lauer and told him that if she could go back and do it again, she wouldn’t change a thing. Of course, Perez Hilton, the judge who asked the question during competition, was there via Skype to bitch and moan over what Prejean said because if you don’t agree with Perez Hilton, then you are wrong. In either case, who cares if people of the same sex marry each other. It’s not going to affect me in any way. What is going to affect me is having to listen to Perez be a whiny bitch because in his world, it’s whoever screams the loudest that wins. And I sure as hell don’t want to hear that little piggy squeal while I’m trying to surf for porn.

Matt Lauer missed the Today show this morning because of a deer. Over the weekend, Lauer flipped over his bike’s handlebars when a deer jumped in front of him. It’s believed Matt’s shoulder popped out. Co-host Meredith Vieira joked that she hired the deer. “Just to graze him.” Cue polite laughter.

In other news, bike is now a euphemism for car, deer is now a euphemism for hooker and flipped over bike’s handlebars is code for dumped in the river. It’s like those rich Hollywood types have their own language!

['Today' talk show hosts attend the 133rd Annual Westminster Dog show in New York City. Image via Splash News]

In 2005, Tom Cruise called Matt Lauer glib during an interview about psychiatry and antidepressants. For whatever reason, a big fuss was made because today, three years later, Tom Cruise returned to apologize to Matt and warn him that Scientology will crush him with their alien technology. No, not really, but Tom said he “learned a lesson,” a “really good lesson” and that he realizes he came off as “arrogant.”

“I thought about it a lot,” Cruise told Lauer. “It’s a subject matter that was important. After looking at it, I really thought, it’s not what I had intended. In looking at myself, I came across arrogant. I absolutely could have handled that better.”

Tom Cruise once again spoke effusively about his wife and noted that he’s seen Katie perform 25 times in her Broadway play, All My Sons. Of course, he was only there to remind Katie that “it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again” and to tent his fingers a few times while looking maniacally at her.