Someone once told Jersey Shore’s JWoww to aim high and she did and she got what she wanted. Finally appearing on the cover of Maxim after being featured in the magazine three times, JWoww tells the mag how this honor means everything to her.

You’ve been in Maxim three times now, but this is your first cover. How does it feel?
I cried when I found out. I was jumping up and down and totally bugging out. This is probably my highest accomplishment.

Whoa, whoa, Icarus. Don’t fly too close to the sun. Now that she’s reached the most pivotal moment in her life, what’s next for this over-achiever? Finding a 20% off coupon for Bed, Bath & Beyond? Walking and chewing gum at the same time? One day waking up with a recollection of the night before? Do tell.

Here’s Chuck’s Yvonne Strahovski and her hot Australian accent doing a mini-interview for Maxim during her photoshoot at what she describes as a porn ranch. If I could make love to her accent, I would. I’d even buy it flowers and take it to a nice dinner beforehand. Maybe even romp through a field of daisies hand in hand. We’d be so happy together, her accent and I.

Strikeforce ring girl and impossibly thin-waisted model Kelli Hutcherson did a photoshoot for Maxim and it was fantastic because there was a lot of under-boob. And anything beyond this point no one is going to read so oooga booga boo!

Remember Jordana Brewster? She was in that Fast and Furious movie with Vin Diesel but never really found success with a film career even though she’s sort of hot. Luckily, a fifth Fast and Furious movie titled Fast Five is coming out and she’s in it. As they say, there’s no job security like a franchise based on nonsensical car chases and hot chicks. Ergo, why she’s posing for Maxim in a bikini.

Olivia Munn is in the February 2011 issue of Maxim in a pair of see-through panties. Naturally, people (read: bored housewives and puritanical fameballs) are calling out the cover.

Dan Gainor, Vice President of Business & Culture at the Media Research Center says “it’s disgusting” and “Maxim has moved their magazine from tawdry to full-on pornography.” I imagine he said this with such vim and vigor that spittle flew out of his mouth, through the telephone and onto the reporter’s face.

“Any store could have children coming in. If I were a parent, and I walked into a store and saw that cover, I would make a scene until the manager hid it.” Wow. This guy doesn’t even have children and he’s getting butt hurt over this.

Far be it for me to defend Olivia Munn — I’m all for banning her from all media until she stops pandering to her fans — but this guy is a nut. You can barely see through those panties. I jerked off to the cover maybe once. Therefore, not pornography. I hope he falls off his soapbox and breaks his neck. No, that’s mean. Maybe a cracked vertebrae or some injury that everyone can laugh at.

Years from now people will ask the question, “Who is Stephanie Pratt?” But they won’t ask it like, “Who. Is. Stephanie Pratt?,” as if she’s the world’s most interesting person who’s surrounded by an impenetrable mystique. They’ll ask it like, “Man, who the fuck is this Stephanie Pratt bitch?,” as if they were going to kick your ass if you kept bugging them with your stupid questions. Anyway, here she is in Maxim.

You’ve seen the cover, now see the inside of the magazine. Olivia Munn did a spread for Maxim and, um, I’m not sure what’s so great about this girl. She has an ok face, a nice body and seems cool but that’s about it. Is it because she plays video games and is “just one of the guys”? Because that’s a very loose argument. Nerds don’t have high standards for girls. As long as they’re breathing and are skinny, they’re hot.

In fact, sometimes they don’t even have to be breathing. Robots will do just fine. And forget it if the girl knows anything about computers or plays video games. They’ll probably spend three weeks in retarded costumes fake-battling each other in the forest just to see who gets to be rejected by her first.

Ashley Greene had a bunch of naked pics of her leaked and now she’s posing in Maxim. I don’t like how this is progressing. She should be getting more naked each time not the other way around. I should be able to see inside her by now like those human anatomy exhibits. I want to speak to the manager about this. Is there one for these type of things?

Audrina Patridge is in the October issue of Maxim and she’s topless in one of the photos. Not actually topless, mind you, but magazine topless. The kind of topless where technically people are topless but they’re covered up so they really aren’t. Which is a travesty. I haven’t felt this cheated since I found out my 32 oz Slurpee wasn’t exactly 32 oz.

For whatever reason, Maxim asked Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose for them again. Most likely because their Photoshop interns needed practice.

Anyway, you can see Jennifer on the May issue in which you can read about why she loves posing for Maxim:

“It’s nice to have the Maxims of the world out there, because you can look at them when you’re 80 and be like, ‘See? No, really, I was cute, I promise!’”

How she takes bubble baths (hint: in a tiara):

“My new thing is that I always take my bubble baths wearing a tiara… I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara,” says Hewitt. “One that I got from Disneyland.”

Why she’s dating Jamie Kennedy (hint: because he’s funny?):

“The two biggest things are being trustworthy and funny,” she explains. “Humor doesn’t fade. If you’re a funny person, you will always be a funny person. You’re not just going to wake up one day and be like, ‘I’m not funny anymore.’”

Look, Jamie Kennedy is about as funny as prostate cancer and that’s not very funny at all, unless Jamie Kennedy has it. Then it’s hilarious. Jennifer must be easily amused. You could play peek-a-boo with her and she’d probably laugh herself silly until the chair she was sitting on broke because it wasn’t built for a Jennifer Love Hewitt size 2.