Hot off the heels of Victoria Beckham’s pregnancy comes fellow Spice Girl Mel B’s own thunder-stealing baby news. In an interview with HELLO!, Mel said, “We’re really thrilled. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four years to have a baby if we weren’t excited and ready for it.”

Dispelling any breakup rumors, she continued, “We’re really happily married and we’re both very much in love.”

Meanwhile, Victoria Beckham wrenched a HELLO! magazine in the corner while silently mouthing the words “that bitch” because she now has to share the spotlight with her former band mate.

Melanie Brown and her husband went to Scotts, Mahiki, Maddox, Spearmint Rhino and finally Stringfellows before heading home at 4 AM Saturday morning. You can tell Melanie was most moved by the Spearmint Rhino because she tried to give her husband a handy behind the velvet ropes but ended up awkwardly fondling his erection. He ended up skipping away in fear like a dandy.

Even though I linked to this earlier, Melanie Brown’s outfit at the MOBO awards was so ridiculous I had to post them. She dresses like an alien. It’s like she just landed and had to mesh together her culture’s fashion with our culture’s. I heard at one point she even started greeting people with “Nanu nanu.”

There’s nothing hotter than watching the elderly romp around onstage groping each other. That’s why I bought tickets to every Spice Girls show. By bought tickets, I mean, slammed a car door on my penis. Basically the same thing.

Melanie Brown married Stephen Belafonte secretly in Las Vegas two months ago. Today, Stephen’s ex-common-law wife, Nicole Contreras, has revealed he was physically abusive. In 2003, Belafonte plead no-contest to accusations that he “willfully and unlawfully” used violence against Nicole. His excuse, “This happened crazily, one drunk, retarded night.” Ordered to attend a domestic violence program, Belafonte skipped so many classes he was kicked out twice.

This charming individual was also married to Nancy Carmell back in 1997 while another one of his ex-girlfriends claimed he cheated on her throughout their relationship. As you can tell, she thinks very highly of Stephen,

“But he later told me that he was still sleeping with her throughout the whole time we dated.
“I knew in my gut something wasn’t right about this guy. He was such a psycho and all-round weirdo.”

Every girl has her prince charming. This is Melanie Brown’s. Right out of a fairy tale, he is. All he needs is a suit of armor, a lance and a unicorn to turn Mel. B’s fantasy into a reality. Oh, I bet all the ladies are so jealous.

Melanie Brown was at Miami Beach in a bikini which means I’m obligated to post these even if it’s Melanie Brown. On a related note, I’ve always wondered why Melanie was nicknamed Scary Spice. Is it because black people are scary? What? That’s racist. Shame on you for even thinking that. No, I like to believe she was given that moniker because she doesn’t shave her bush. It’s like a jungle down there. Not even Lewis and Clark could navigate through that. I heard a guy went down on her in 1999 and he’s still lost.

Melanie Brown aka Scary Spice has filed a petition in Superior Court to legally bind Eddie Murphy as the father of her child. Melanie wants sole custody and child support. Eddie took a paternity test earlier which definitively said the baby was his.

“I am here today for one reason and one reason only; her name is Angel,” Brown said. “Angel is my baby and Eddie’s. She will always know that she was planned and wanted by both of us.”

This didn’t sound planned. It sounds like the condom broke or Eddie Murphy doesn’t know how a penis works. Maybe he’s so used to his tranny hookers who don’t get pregnant. After five children, you’d think he’d learn. I bet every time Eddie’s girlfriend tells him she’s pregnant, he gets all wide-eyed and yells, “Sorcerer!,” and makes a cross with his two index fingers.

Eddie Murphy has continually denied being the father of Scary Spice’s newborn and was adamant about taking a blood test. Today, Melanie Brown’s rep revealed to People the results of the DNA test she conducted on her baby and Eddie Murphy. The consensus? Eddie Murphy is the father.

Of Brown, the source said, “There was no doubt in people’s minds anyways, least of all hers. It wasn’t a surprise to her. She knew all along.”

Eddie is probably still in a denial. Someone should explain to him this is what happens when you stick your penis in a real woman without protection. It’s kind of a lot different than sticking it in a tranny… so I’ve heard.

Despite Eddie Murphy’s adamant claims that he is not the father of Mel B’s baby, the former Spice Girl has named the “Norbit” actor as the father on her daughter’s birth certificate. Mel B is on the warpath to prove Eddie is Fortuna Daphne Bay’s daddy and has hired a lawyer to prove his paternity. Regardless, she doesn’t want Eddie in her daughter’s life.

“She doesn’t want him involved because he has hurt her too much. She just feels that he will have to accept responsibility at some point and there was no need for him to be so dismissive of their relationship.”

Whatever you do Eddie, don’t cover the baby’s face with whiteout and claim it couldn’t be yours because you’re black. That would be ridiculous. White paint from Walmart works just as well and all you have to do is dip her into one of those big paint buckets like an ice cream bar in crunchy almonds. Takes only 30 seconds.

Early Tuesday, Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown gave birth to what is assumed to be a human baby. Temporarily named Baby Brown, the 5lb. 4oz. baby girl is healthy and already has a good head of hair. The father is of yet unknown, but Eddie Murphy currently leads the race. Interestingly, the baby and Eddie Murphy share the same birthday. On a Dutch TV show last December, Eddie said about the pregnancy,

“I don’t know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, sir.”

Eddie Murphy wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina unless there was a prosthetic penis attached to it. So no, I don’t think Eddie’s the father either. On the other hand, this is Scary Spice we’re talking about. Factoring that in, Eddie may very well be the father. This is confusing. Why can’t they just toss the baby high into the air. If she lands head pointing to Scary, it’s Eddie’s. Otherwise she’s not. Simple, effective, brilliant.

TMZ has confirmed that Scary Spice (Melanie Brown) is 4 months pregnant with the transvestite loving Eddie Murphy’s baby. It is expected that these two will marry next month.

Brown, who has a 7-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, is a frequent shopper at the store and admitted the pregnancy had her feeling tired. Brown added that she was concerned she may be carrying twins since, she noted, they run in Murphy’s family.

That kid will have fun living with Eddie. Not because he’s a funny guy, but because they’ll never know if daddy is coming home with mommy or a tranny hooker. Now that I think about it, what’s the difference?