Melissa Ehteridge isn’t taking her ex Tammy Lynn Michaels’ accusations lying down. Melissa launched her own offensive, filing docs that claim Tammy accidentally burned one of their kids with a cigarette. She wants the judge to order both her and Tammy to not smoke around their twins so the “accident” won’t happen again.

Melissa then accuses Tammy of having no maternal instinct, meaning, she’s against a 50/50 joint custody deal. Though to be fair, when you get $23,000 a month in support like Tammy does, you can just buy maternal instinct. They sell that at Walmart, right?

She also included two emails Tammy allegedly sent her.

“You have to support so many households because YOU BROKE SO MANY HOUSEHOLDS, silly. If you had decided to have one ounce of integrity/honesty as a person or partner, you would NOT be in this predicament. Think about it.”

“They aren’t leaving my care while you are on the road — a completely inappropriate place for 3-year-olds — not to mention you can’t track them, have no child care, and they were bit by dogs in the house last time you had them.” TMZ

Usually when two women go at it like this, I get all sexist, er, sexy and suggest they settle it by wrestling in a tub of Jell-O. But in this case, they should just battle it out in court where they have to keep their clothes on.

Tammy Lynn Michaels, Melissa Etheridge’s ex-gf, says she’s barely getting by on the $23,000 a month she’s paid in child support. This gilded toilet paper doesn’t buy itself, you know.

Recent court documents reveal that Tammy is petitioning to have her monthly support raised citing that Melissa makes around $177,882.00 per month and it’s just not fair that she only gets $23k of that for doing absolutely nothing. And because she does nothing, she has “virtually no savings.” Except for those diamond encrusted elephants. But you can’t even really call those investments.

It’s not like she can get a job either. Tammy says she’d need “extensive retraining” if she were to rejoin the workforce. As in, she’d need to be reintegrated with society by learning how normal people function. “You mean the cereal you eat isn’t fortified with the bones of baby pandas?!”

In addition, Tammy alleges Melissa brainwashes their kids to be emotionally distant and rude to her. They won’t even hug her anymore. Of course, this has nothing to do with Tammy coming off as a huge b*tch.

Tammy also claims Melissa swears around their kids citing one instance where Melissa told Tammy to “get the f*ck off my back” in front of them. Gasp! Why won’t Melissa think of the children?

Why is Tammy claiming all this now though? Well, the two are going into a settlement conference in May to figure out support and custody issues so Tammy needs to show she’s the better mom if she wants a raise in child support. Oh and Tammy also wants Melissa to pay her $120,000 legal bill. Because, hey, it’s not like she can make herself look any worse.

TMZ says calls to Melissa were not returned. Naturally. It’s pretty hard to pick up the phone when you’re doubled over laughing hysterically.

Melissa Ethreidge’s ex, Tammy Michaels, used their 3-year-old twins as pawns in order to serve her divorce papers according to a declaration released Thursday.

“In a ploy to have me served, and mistakenly believing that by serving me I would have to dismiss my Petition, [Tammy Lynn Michaels] used our children as pawns,” Etheridge states in a declaration released Thursday in which she describes how she was presented with her ex’s petition for sole custody of their 3-year-old twins.

The Grammy and Oscar winner says Michaels told her the kids were going to meet Etheridge at her hotel. “Finally, I received a text message…stating, ‘My plans changed, sorry,’” the singer recounts.

Tammy now wants around $12,000 a month in spousal support and child support saying she gave up her “lucrative” acting career to become a stay-at-home mom. She lists her monthly expenses at $6,000 for rent, $1,500 for groceries, $800 for eating out, $50 for laundry and cleaning and $5,000 a month in clothes. Michaels claims Etheridge makes between $600,000 and $750,000 a month which is more than enough to pay her with.

If I was the judge, I’d give Tammy only enough money for the kids and tell her to go find a damn job. Boo hoo, you can no longer live your $20,000 a month lifestyle. Here’s the world’s smallest violin playing for you. The judge should tell Tammy to get her ass to Ross Dress For Less and apply for a Vons club card. Every expense she gives is ridiculous. And it’s not like it’s for the kids. You could give them an oversized box and they’d be happy.

The passing of Prop 8 has riled a lot of people up. Especially gays who wanted to marry. So it’s no surprise that there is some backlash. Backlash in the form of an angry Melissa Etheridge who suggests now that she’s a “second class citizen” she doesn’t have to pay taxes. Melissa wrote on The Daily Beast:

Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.

Okay, cool I don’t mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We’re gay! I am sure there will be a little box on the tax forms now single, married, divorced, gay, check here if you are gay, yeah, that’s not so bad. Of course all of the waiters and hairdressers and UPS workers and gym teachers and such, they won’t have to pay their taxes either.

If years of stereotyping have taught me anything, it’s that gay people suck at physical altercations. Fighting for them amounts to sissy flailing. Verbal altercations, on the other hand, they’re pretty good at. Just wait until the letter writing campaign comes into full swing. The people responsible for this proposition will beg for mercy after they begin to wither from the literary poison. Expect a lot of name calling as well, like, bitch or whore or the dreaded bitch whore.

[Image via Splash News]