Melissa Joan Hart is currently enjoying her place on the cover of PEOPLE magazine, a pinnacle of achievement for the teenage witch. She’s also wishing the cancer stricken Farrah Fawcett well. Because Melissa cares so much, you see. At KTLA in LA last Friday, Melissa was overheard saying off-camera that she hopes Farrah Fawcett doesn’t die because it would bump her off the cover.

Aww, what a sweet girl. Hopefully she enjoys hot weather since she’s probably going to hell. I’ll meet her there. We can have a barbecue. God knows how much Melissa likes anything with the letters BBQ in it.

News to me, but according to Melissa Joan Hart, blogs can’t stop talking about how fat she’s gotten after giving birth to two kids. Well, Melissa put herself in a bikini on the cover of PEOPLE to prove that one hater wrong. She’s slimmed down to 113 lbs from a hefty 155 lbs. So, suck it, Mary from Illinois. But Melissa doesn’t stop there, she also wants to tell us how she did it. Oh, you’ll never guess how.

Reclaiming her slim figure took Hart 14 months of hard work. “It didn’t happen by magic – it was as hard for me as it would be for anyone else,” she says. The fact that it took a little longer doesn’t bother her. “I didn’t want to take any time away from spending it with my sons,” she explains.

To get back in bikini shape, Hart worked with nutritionist Derek Johnson at New Metabolism to change her diet. She also hit the gym with her trainer Mark Harari at Pulse Fitness Studio.

You mean to tell me she got back in shape by eating right and working out? What kind of voodoo is this? We should burn her at the stake or throw her in the sea with rocks attached to her feet and see if she floats. Everyone knows that a healthy diet and physical exercise never work. That’s why they invented liposuction.

Looks like Melissa Joan Hart, our little teenage witch, is pregnant again. Here she is waddling down the sidewalk, desperately needing her morning cup of coffee. Look! It has opposable thumbs! It can hold things! What we don’t see is the giant net, right outside the frame. The one that’s about to come down over her and take her back to the ocean. Isn’t whale migration supposed to take place in the summertime? - CS

Three more days until NYE and by golly Tara Reid is still fugly.

1. Melissa Joan Hart is a giver. [Celebrity Smack]
2. Tara Reid’s ass is sexy. [Celebslam]
3. Keith Urban or Billy Ray Cyrus? [CityRag]
4. What? Black Christmas could be fun for gore hounds? [Pajiba]
5. Miss Nevada is still a whore. [Evil Beet]