Mark Wahlberg was caught on set of his new movie Pain and Gain with Tony Shalhoub showing off his biceps. Mark plays Tony’s personal trainer who gives valuable advice such as “do it, you pussy!” and “hey, how about 10 more reps?”

Wait, is that Michael Bay directing? That’s weird. There’s a distinct lack of model ass and explosions in these photos. Is he feeling alright? Well, with any luck, he’ll at least still use subtly racist caricatures for comedic relief.

Tyrese can’t catch a break. Earlier this month, Amber Tamblyn pretended to be Amber Rose and trolled Tyrese pretty hard. He didn’t figure it out until after the third fake track she sent him for their future album.

Now there’s this rumor (emphasis on rumor because this has to be fake) going around that Michael Bay has forbid Tyrese from publicly stating their friends by way of an informal cease and desist.

Tyrese has gone on the interview circuit proclaiming how cool he and Transformers director Michael Bay are. The only issue with that is Michael Bay doesn’t want to be associated with Tyrese. Bay and his attorneys sent a cease and desist letter to Tyrese. To add insult to injury, Tyrese was hit with a restraining order by the Hollywood director.

Sources close to the situation say Bay filed the restraining order when he heard Tyrese was going around telling industry insiders he and Bay were close friends. Michael Bay’s cousin Susan commented on the matter, stating, “Michael Bay has a cease and desist on Tyrese, and a restraining order on Tyrese. Michael didn’t like when Tyrese was calling out his name on television, like they were boys. Everywhere Tyrese went, he was calling out Michael’s name. Mike didn’t like that sh*t.” Foxync

Then there’s this site that says it’s just a demand that Tyrese stop name dropping Michael Bay.

First of all, how big is Michael Bay’s ego that he thinks he can forbid someone from calling him a friend. Second of all, I wonder how Tyrese felt after Michael sent him a notice that they weren’t boys. Can you imagine finding out not even that dbag wants to be your friend? You might as well just kill yourself.

After news that not only is Michael Bay producing a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie but that he’s changing their origin story from turtles mutated by green ooze to “these turtles are from an alien race, and they’re going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable [ed. note: studio buzz words!],” fans naturally experienced heightened levels of nerd rage and told Michael he was raping their childhood. Which you’ll know is going to happen if you’ve seen Transformers.

Well, Michael Bay has heard your concerns and wants you to calm down, maybe take a puff from that inhaler, dingus. On his forum, Shoot for the Edit, where all his sycophants hang out, Bay posted,

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

Translation: No one has read the script, thank god. We’re paying one of the original creators loads of money to lend credibility to the film. Relax, we are including an updated Vanilla Ice dance sequence. Maybe with Justin Bieber. We are just building a richer world. Constructed with bags of money we’re going to make off your nostalgia. Suckers!

Michael Bay has filmed commercials for Victoria’s Secret for the past two years. I heard the girls loved being demeaned so much they asked him back for another one. Michael Bay agreed and then jerked off a couple times into wads of $100 bills. His life is fantastic.

Anyway, here he is filming it. I’d pay anything to see the storyboard to this. I imagine it was pretty much tits everywhere while fighter jets flew by and random explosions went off. Bay is basically living every 12-year-old’s wet dream at this point.

When Michael Bay isn’t filming Megan Fox washing his Ferrari for his spank bank or dumping supermodels in the middle of the desert, he’s creating For Your Consideration ads like these. Transformers is nominated for Sound Editing, Sound Mixing and Visual Effects at this year’s Academy Awards and Bay really wants to win. According to him, an Oscar would look super sweet on his mantle next to his novelty beer mug and Axe body spray. Adds Bay, “And just think how much pu**y I’d score with that thing.”

This one is sort of old news but whatever. Back in June, Michael Bay told GQ that Steven Spielberg told him to fire Megan Fox after she compared his directorial style to Hitler.

Turns out that was a lie. In an Entertainment Weekly article when asked about the claim, Spielberg said, “That’s not true. That didn’t happen.”

So there you have it. Michael Bay dropped Megan Fox from the third Transformers film because she hurt his feelings and he’s very petty. Looks like he did her a favor because the entire franchise is terrible. The only way I could sit through that is if I went into the wrong theater.

Michael Bay and his girlfriend Lauren Stoner (Model Mayhem profile here with more pictures here)  hit up the beach in Miami on Tuesday. Much like his auditions, he lay down in a white robe and watched while the girl bent over him. The only difference here is he’s not degrading her. Yet. That’ll most likely happen in the bedroom when Michael puts on a custom montage of explosions from all his movies and cranks it to 10. As you know, that’s the only way he can get off.

A video on YouTube points out how Michael Bay recycled footage from 2005′s The Island for use in Transformers 3. The two scenes are basically the same sequence updated with a bit of CGI. SlashFilm notes that this isn’t the first time he’s done it as he’s used scenes from Pearl Harbor for the first Transformers.

Why reuse stock footage when you have millions of dollars from product placement and the studio? Naturally, he was probably too busy telling Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to shake her ass for the camera to be bothered to storyboard a new sequence.

Megan Fox famously said that for her Transformers audition, Michael Bay made her wash his car while he videotaped her. Seems like that’s not just a one time thing because he sort of did a similar frat boy-esque initiation with Megan Fox replacement Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Apparently the prettier someone is, the more Bay has to debase them.

“I first met Michael back in 2009; it was on the set of the Christmas commercial for Victoria’s Secret. I remember the first thing Michael said to me— before he even introduced himself or asked me my name—was “Can you walk?” And I looked at him like, “What is this man talking about? Yeah, of course I can walk.” And then he proceeded to tell them to get me in the car, and then I was driven—I mean, honestly, I want to say it was about half a mile out in the desert. I kept thinking, “This is a joke, right?” And the car dumped me in the middle of the desert. All I was wearing was a bra and underwear and a big, billowing, black, floor-length cape and high heels. And he says, “OK, when we shout action, you’re going to walk!” and I assumed I would be doing this in several stages. They yelled action, and the car sped off back to set, and I just was like, “Well, what am I supposed to do?” So I walked all the way back to where the camera was standing, which took me—I would say a good 10, 12 minutes, and it was a proper runway stomp—on salt flats; it was like 100 degrees, felt like fire. I remember walking back and being not impressed by the whole thing. I was pretty pissed off afterwards; I just looked at Michael, and he goes, “I guess you can walk, then.” [GQ]

Oh, quit whining. Half a mile isn’t bad at all. You should see all the other non-famous women Michael Bay dumps in the desert. Not only do they have to walk back, but they have have to first wait until the drugs wear off and then untie themselves.

I linked to this in the morning but I felt it deserved its own post. Shia LaBeouf did an interview with Hero Complex about the different vibe on the set of Transformers now that Megan Fox has left. He says it’s different. Obviously.

Shia explains that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is better prepared to shoot in a way Fox was not. Basically, being a Victoria’s Secret model, Huntington-Whiteley is more comfortable with people telling her to push her tits out and arch her back than Megan Fox was. Shia attributes it to this woman-empowerment thing Fox developed. Oh, one of those people.

“Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael, who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women,” LaBeouf said. “Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s summer. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Fox] never got comfortable with it. This is a girl who was taken from complete obscurity and placed in a sex-driven role in front of the whole world and told she was the sexiest woman in America. And she had a hard time accepting it. When Mike would ask her to do specific things, there was no time for fluffy talk. We’re on the run. And the one thing Mike lacks is tact. There’s no time for [LaBeouf assumes a gentle voice] ‘I would like you to just arch your back 70 degrees.’”

“Rosie comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different,” LaBeouf said.

Ugh. Don’t you hate it when actresses develop a sense of empowerment and stop wanting to be treated like objects? Where do they think they are, some liberal arts college? No, it’s Hollywood, baby, where women are passed around like a joint at one of Matthew McConaughey’s parties. At least, that’s what tv has taught me.

On the other hand, what did Megan Fox expect. Michael Bay made a private video of her washing his Ferrari for her audition. At least Bay seems pretty forward about what he needs. He’s not like those other directors who you have to decipher. If Bay wants a blowjob in exchange for a part in his movie,  he’ll probably ask for it straight up. It’s quite refreshing.

Michael Bay, director of explosion heavy blockbusters such as Armageddon and Transformers, directed the Victoria’s Secret holiday commercial. It’s very Michael Bayish. From the frenetic rock music to the hot chicks writhing around in lingerie to the ADD pacing. Then there’s the random white horses that appear out of nowhere. Christ. Even his commercials are full of plot holes.

One thing that’s missing though is a single explosion. Doesn’t Bay get off on those? Is he feeling alright?

Michael Bay announced on his blog yesterday that they have the Transformers 3 story ready with a release date of July 1, 2011. He then took the opportunity to poorly bash Megan Fox while simultaneously describing how I feel when I think about a third Transformers movie.

“Megan Fox, welcome back. I promise no alien robots will harm you in any way during the production of this motion picture. Please consult your Physician when working under my direction because some side effects can occur, such as mild dizziness, intense nausea, suicidal tendencies, depression, minor chest hair growth, random internal hemorrhaging and inability to sleep. As some directors may be hazardous to your health, please consult your Doctor to determine if this is right for you.”

How clever, Michael. You may have fooled the untrained eye, but I see your passive aggressive wish for her death by casually mentioning internal hemorrhaging as if it were as mild a condition as chest hair growth. Megan pegged you wrong. Where you’re reciting limericks of her contracting swine flu, Hitler would’ve shot her toe thumbs off and gouged her eyes out with them by now.

In an interview with Wonderland magazine, Megan Fox compared Michael Bay to a socially retarded Hitler. Specifically, when asked about working with Bay, Fox said:

God, I really wish I could go loose on this one. He’s like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he’s not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he’s so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it’s endearing to watch him.

Three crew members who’ve worked with Michael Bay wrote an open letter basically calling Megan Fox dumb as a rock and unprofessional.

Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses’ life. He told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelia is a professional.

We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies. We’ve spent a total of 12 months on set making these two movies.

We are in different departments; we can’t give our names because sadly doing so in Hollywood could lead to being banished from future Paramount work. One of us touches Megan’s panties, the other has the often shitty job of pulling Ms. Sour pants out of her trailer, while another is near the Panaflex camera that helps to memorialize the valley girl on film. (Read the rest on ONTD)

Now, Michael Bay has come to Megan’s defense. In an effort to bang Megan Fox, Michael wrote:

“I don’t condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don’t condone Megan’s outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3.”

And because we’re on the subject, here’s Megan Fox on the Today Show promoting Jennifer’s Body. This has nothing to do with the story above by the way. I just like watching her. She’s so pretty.