Following news that Lindsay Lohan has finally been confirmed to play Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s original movie, Rosie O’Donnell, who was on the Today show with Matt Lauer and Donny Deutsch, raged with enough spittle flying out of her mouth to fill a kiddie pool.

Rosie said Lindsay has no business playing Liz and isn’t capable of the role because her life is still a disaster.  ”I feel very sorry for her… I think she needs a lot of time away… She’s had a lot of trouble doing every single movie, including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she’s not in a place to work.”

Deutsch put on his troll hat suggesting, “She’s our generation’s Elizabeth Taylor,” which made Rosie go crazy. “You’re out of your mind! You’re a crackhead! The last thing she did good, she was sixteen. I don’t think she’s right for the role and I don’t think she’s capable at this point to portray that character.”

Naturally, Michael Lohan responded telling TMZ, “Who the hell is Rosie O’Donnell to judge anyone, especially Lindsay, who has far more talent than Rosie ever had?” Michael goes on to mention Rosie’s two failed talkshows and failed marriage. “He/she who is without sin. May they cast the first stone,” Michael said no doubt ironically.

Lindsay Lohan is facing allegations that she pushed a woman at Smoke & Mirrors in The Standard Hotel two weeks ago. So of course it was a great idea to go back to Smoke & Mirrors on Wednesday and tempt fate. Naturally, fate delivered.

Lindsay’s friend drove her to the hotel and while pulling into the parking garage, hit another car. Lindsay called her dad for help and he showed up. After much debate, Michael decided bad omens were stupid and took Lindsay into the club where they hung out for a couple hours without drinking any alcohol.

Near last call, a girl in the booth next to Lindsay and Michael made a sarcastic remark about Lindsay showing up with her dad. Lindsay got up and screamed “Shut the f*ck up,” at her. That’s about when the women threw a drink at Lindsay drenching her. Michael grabbed Lindsay and headed for the door which is what he should have done 2 hours before.

Any other parent would have told Lindsay to head home when they got that call. But Michael isn’t any parent. The first thought that popped into his head wasn’t, “Hey, why is my daughter hitting up clubs again when the judge advised her not to?” It was, “Hey, I wonder if I can get some publicity if I parade around this club with my daughter.”

According to Radar, Michael Lohan collapsed during an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and was taken to the hospital. After being examined at Palm Beach Gardens Hospital, doctors found another blood clot in Michael’s lung.

Lohan was given medicine to break down the clot and underwent CAT scans and a MRI. As for what’s causing all these blood clots, I have no idea. But being told by AA that he can’t get drunk and kick his girlfriend in the vagina anymore probably isn’t helping.

Vagina kicker extraordinaire, Michael Lohan, is undergoing heart surgery to unclog an artery. A rep says it’s to “repair a blockage.” TMZ says Michael had trouble breathing and speaking a couple weeks ago and the doctor said it was his heart.

Wait, seriously? Michael Lohan couldn’t breathe or speak and someone wanted to fix this? Where am I? Bizzaro world? Although this was probably safer for his girlfriend. Apparently Michael had developed his own method of communication. He’d kick his girlfriend’s vagina once for “yes,” twice for “no,” three times for “I don’t know,” and four times “just for fun.”

Michael Lohan was arrested for the second time in a week after violating a judge’s order to not contact his girlfriend Kate Major who refuses to give him a blowjob. On Wednesday, Judge Walter Heinrich told Lohan, “If you even dream about her and you violate my order, you will go to jail.”

On Wednesday afternoon, Lohan violated that order. He called Kate while she was in front of the police. So if you’re wondering why Lindsay Lohan is such an idiot. It’s genetic.

Investigators say while officers were talking with Major at her apartment, Lohan called again. She put him on speakerphone and police listened in.

Police say Lohan seemed to want to work things out with Major. After five minutes, they told her to hang up the phone.

After checking with the State Attorney’s Office, Tampa Police decided Lohan had violated the judge’s no-contact order.

They went to the Tahitian Inn on S. Dale Mabry Hwy. in South Tampa at around 1 a.m. Thursday to arrest him. WTSP

That’s when Michael tried to escape by jumping from his balcony, falling on top of wooden high chairs and then hiding in some trees. Yes, Michael Lohan’s life is a cartoon. He’s like Pepe Le Pew if Pepe Le Pew was an abusive boyfriend.

“we saw the def fall from a 3rd floor balcony next to the one we were standing on. The def apparently leaped up from his balcony and grabbed a hold of the roof. He then must have scurried across the roof (about 30 feet) until he thought he was hanging over top of the next balcony. The def then let go but missed this balcony. He came crashing down on top of wooden high chairs that were laying on the ground. This fall was 34 feet (measured with laser). The def then hid in some trees directly below where he was apprehended.”

Michael was taken to the hospital instead of being processed because he may have broken his foot. Once he’s cleared by doctors, though, he’ll go straight to jail.

As usual, none of this was Michael’s fault. It was entrapment by the conniving Kate Major. Remember. Nothing is ever a Lohan’s fault.

“She keeps doing this. She needs help, she calls me, and I’m a sucker. I call back, and I’m an idiot,” Lohan said.

“So the problem his hers or yours?” photojournalist Van Williams asked.

“Well, she keeps calling — she was getting evicted from the apartment — she called up, and she said she needed help,” Lohan answered.

What we can learn from all this is Michael isn’t a bad guy, he just cares too much. So much so that sometimes he just needs to kick his girlfriend in the vagina or beat her for not giving him a bj. It’s for her own good.

More details have emerged surrounding Michael Lohan’s arrest. Namely, the 911 call his girlfriend Kat Major made last night. A panicky Kate tells the operator, “I’m afraid of him. He’s gonna come in her and hit me.” You can listen to it here. Kate sounds real calm during the call like this isn’t her first domestic violence rodeo.

What was the cause of the argument though? Allegedly, Michael threatened Kate after she refused to give him oral sex. Ooohh, okay. Understandable. I’m pretty pissed if my girlfriend didn’t go down on me either. But usually I just stomp around angrily and plop down in a chair, cross my arms and go “hmph!” instead of threatening violence. See, they can’t call the cops if all you’re doing is throwing an adult temper tantrum.

Michael Lohan doesn’t do much these days besides kick his girlfriend in the vagina and talk to any media outlet that will listen about his daughter, Lindsay Lohan. The latest outlet that dared to give him a moment of their time is Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell on HLN. He made the not-so-startling claim that Lindsay is smoking crack or meth.

“That’s from smoking a pipe with meth or crack,” Michael said about Lindsay’s brown teeth. When Velez-Mitchell asked him to clarify what he meant he point blank said his daughter is abusing illegal drugs.

“She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it.”

“If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth,” Michael said about his daughter’s dental issues.

“You can’t dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus.” Radar Online

All I heard was “give me attention, look at me, I’m talking about something currently relevant, blah blah blah.” Michael Lohan could be warning me about an 18-wheeler barreling towards me and I’d still just stand there, roll my eyes and tell him to gtfo.

Literally. Lindsay Lohan’s crazy dad Michael Lohan was skulking around Lindsay’s apartment Sunday afternoon staring into her back windows, trying to see if she was inside, and started banging on the windows like a crazy homeless guy.

Lindsay thought Michael was trying to break in so she hid. Maybe in the closet. Because that would be very apropos. Michael eventually left without the cops having to be called. Probably because, like a bear, he lost the scent of a photo op.

Speaking of anger management. Michael Lohan was arrested on three felony charges Monday night in West Hollywood. Lohan was booked for inflicting corporal injury on a cohabitant, false imprisonment and preventing a report of victimization. His ex, Kate Major, accused him of domestic violence at his apartment.

“Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute,” Lt. Ratto said. “He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I’m aware of and has been cooperative.”

The victim, who sheriffs are declining to identify, suffered minor injuries and has declined medical treatment.

Lt. Ratto added that Lohan, while at the station, complained of a medical condition not related to the incident and was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where he currently remains, pending any treatment.

TMZ says Michael lost it when Kate came over to pick up a few things. Angry that Kate was leaving for good, Michael threw her across the room into a bedpost hurting her left shoulder. He then tried to choke her with a towel after she threatened to call the cops. Kate also claims Michael said if she called the police, he’d cut himself and claim Kate did it.

Michael and Chris Brown should start a support group for people unfairly targeted by the media. See the spin they put on this story? Clearly Kate just tripped, ran into a bedpost and then fell in a bathtub full of water. Michael, the ever compassionate man that he is, rushed over with a towel to dry her off. As he wrapped the towel around her neck and tightened it, she mistook that for choking when all it actually was was an advanced drying technique.

Now that Michael Lohan finally got on a reality show after trying all these years, he’s not going to squander this opportunity by not using his famous daughter. Michael, who’s been cast in Celebrity Rehab, plans on ambushing Lindsay Lohan during her court date. Lindsay’s family is trying to stop this but they might not be able to.

Michael told reporters last night about his plans to have the “Rehab” crew film him being a supportive father in court — when Lindsay will either plea to grand theft or go to trial — but we’re told Dina and the fam found out … and now they’re trying to stop the whole operation before it happens.

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ, the family is FURIOUS — claiming Michael is making a mockery of Lindsay’s court date … turning the entire thing into a spectacle … and now they’re scrambling to find a way to shut him down.

There’s a precedent though — cameras have previously been allowed in Judge Schwartz’ courtroom … so Mama Lohan and co. might be S.O.L.

I wonder how Michael will show himself being supportive. Hopefully he overreacts to the judge giving Lindsay jail time by punching a hole in the wall to really sell his anger and then the judge sentences him to 6 months in jail so he can’t do the show and then sources inside the jail will report how he cries into his pillow every night because he screwed up his only chance of being on a reality show. Also they’ll report how he’s now some big black dude’s b**ch. If you were looking for a silver lining, that would be it.

The new cast of Celebrity Rehab was announced yesterday and included in the lineup was Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael Lohan. Strange considering how he’s been sober for so long. Maybe his addiction isn’t drugs or alcohol. Maybe he’s addicted to loving Lindsay too much. Hahaha. Rimshot. Actually, Michael has anger issues from his mother not hugging him enough.

Regardless, soon after Michael’s participation was announced, Lindsay issued this statement which may or may not be related.

“I am sorry that my father has continually chosen to speak publicly about our relationship, my mother, my siblings, and my professional team,” Lindsay told RadarOnline.com in her exclusive statement.

“I am working through my recovery day-by-day and find his public media bouts unnecessary and damaging.”

Michael always somehow sneaks onto Lindsay’s coattails. No wonder this family is screwed up. I’m surprised her little sister and brother aren’t digging food out of trash cans right now because their parents are too busy attention whoring to take care of them.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet that read, “I am NOT going to be doing David Letterman, I’m not sure how this happened, but I am sorry for the confusion…” She was talking about a supposed appearance she was booked to make on Thursday’s Late Show With David Letterman where she would read the top ten list live via satellite.

A rep for Letterman says they were tricked into thinking the person who reached out to them was authorized to do so on Lindsay’s behalf.

Everyone started wondering which parasitic fame monger did it. There were only two choices, Dina or Michael Lohan. Looks like it was Michael.

Michael tells TMZ that he did it after Letterman did a joke about Lindsay on Friday’s Top 10. He claims Lindsay knew about the booking and they even talked about transportation to the studio but Lindsay’s handlers got wind of the appearance and put a stop to it. Now Michael is crying “anything positive that I bring into her life… [her people] try to nix it.”

Everyone in her life is using her one way or another. If it’s not for fame, then it’s for money. She’d be better off letting a magic 8-ball make career choices for her.

In an email sent to Radar, Michael Lohan says he agreed to bribe Dawn Holland into not cooperating with police but backed out when she got greedy. Michael says her silence was only supposed to cost him $25,000 but Dawn, ever the entrepreneur, also wanted a sit down interview with Lindsay so she could make more money. Michael’s lengthy email from Radar:

“From the night of this occurrence, I have been aware of the entire situation. “Dawn DID assault Lindsay while demanding a urine (test) and took it to another level when Lindsay demanded the phone.

Since then, Dawn has had her attorney meet with me, negotiate with me and even propose a “deal” with me, her lawyer and Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holly (Chapman) and while I agreed to Dawn Holland’s initial “number”, to procure financial stability due to getting fired, she got greedy and took it to another level.

Dawn DEMANDED that Lindsay agree to a sit down interview to make ‘amends’ for the sake of the public NOT because Dawn wanted to set the record straight, but because she negotiated a deal to make more money from the interview.

When Lindsay said that amends don’t need to be a public thing, and she would NOT do it publicly, Dawn fired her lawyer and hired another one out of vengeance. With Dawn Holland’s record for abuse, her assault charges, her credibility and desire for money, I believe that he courts and public will see, that this is a woman, who motives and intentions (sic), to set Lindsay up, so she could have financial gain.

If she really was or is in “recovery”, she would seek it in an emotional way, rather than financial. If this was any other person, in the same situation, Dawn, nor the authorities would ever pursue it in this fashion.”

The old switcheroo, huh? Step 1: Promise to pay Dawn Holland a large sum once she denies everything. Step 2: Watch Dawn deny everything. Step 3: Don’t pay her. Step 4: Spin the story to make her look greedy. Step 5: Profit? Michael Lohan may be a criminal mastermind. He’s like one of those idiot savants when it comes to bribery. Albeit a little more idiot than savant.