Olympic gold medalist/weed enthusiast Michael Phelps was uninjured after crashing his Cadillac Escalade into a Honda Accord in downtown Baltimore last night. The Escalade, Accord and a parked car were all “seriously damaged.” The driver of the Accord was taken to the local hospital as a precaution. Also, in case they want to sue him they’ll have a trail of evidence. Police questioned Phelps about what happened but have since stated that alcohol was not a factor.

Aren’t Escalades built like tanks? How big of a hit does it take to “seriously damage” one of those things? Are you sure Phelps wasn’t under the influence? A good test would have been to wave a bag of Funyuns in front of him and if he gets a wild look in his eye and says, “I’ll suck yo dick fo some Funyuns,” then he might be stoned.

Now that the bong thing has pretty much blown over, Michael Phelps can get on with what he does best. Chug Vodka and makeout with his girlfriend in front of everyone at Marquee. Gatecrasher says Phelps was drinking straight from a bottle of Grey Goose. When M.I.A’s “Paper Planes” began to play, Phelps danced liked a fool and kept shouting for “Shots!” Then he made out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend grossing everyone out.

“They wouldn’t stop making out! They were literally sucking face, and not caring that anyone was watching,” says our snitch, who added that Phelps danced up such a storm that he briefly went shirtless, changing out of his T-shirt in the club and putting on a zip-up hoodie with nothing underneath.

How this goofy looking dude got a girlfriend is beyond me. A caricature of him on rollerblades would be more handsome.

As a direct result of those bong photos, Olympic merman Michael Phelps has tinted the windows to his Baltimore house to stop paparazzi from photographing him. He has also taken to “hiding out in strip clubs” since that’s apparently the only place he can party where no one can take his picture.

Strip clubs are also the only places where girls are forced to take interest in his goofy ass. Seriously. He has a fifty pounds of gold hanging around his neck, but that doesn’t change the fact he looks like character out of a Nickelodeon cartoon. Every time he opens his mouth, I keep expecting a speech bubble to pop up above his head.

A photo of Michael Phelps smoking a bong at a University of South Carolina party was leaked to News of the World at the beginning of February. At the time, sheriffs wanted their 15 minutes so they told the media that they were thinking about whether or not to charge Phelps.

Today, Sheriff Leon Lott finally reached the thrilling conclusion that no, they’re not going to charge Phelps. The decision may stem from public sentiment that Lott’s investigation was a waste of taxpayer’s money and the fact that the most they could throw at Phelps was a minor drug charge.

The eight others arrested in connection with the photo have been cleared. Earlier reports indicated that the majority of the questions authorities asked them were about Phelps signifying they were trying to get him specifically. These included questions about his favorite color, what his hobbies are, what qualities he looks for in a person and do you think he’d like these flowers? All of which lead people to suspect that this was a completely different type of investigation.

Sheriffs made good on their promise of investigating that photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong. While Michael Phelps isn’t in trouble at all, Richland County Sheriff’s have arrested seven people for drug possession and one person for distribution.

The bong in question also been confiscated and the owner is one of the seven charged with possession. The guy who owns it was caught because he was retarded enough to put it on eBay for $100,000. Worse yet, he wasn’t even at the party so he won’t even have memories to keep him company in jail.

Congratulations are in order for Richland County Sheriffs. You’ve kept the world safe from stoner college kids once again. Looks like we’ll rest easy tonight now that we won’t have to worry about crazed lunatics high on wacky tabaccy breaking into our homes to steal money to support their addiction. Nor will we have to listen to their excessive giggling as they describe their vegetable powered time machine. Thank god.

Megan Driscoll, rep for Subway, responded to allegations that the company was dropping its endorsement deal with Michael Phelps. Despite removing his name from their website, Megan said, “Like most Americans, and like Michael Phelps himself, we were disappointed in his behavior. Also like most Americans, we accept his apology. Moving forward, he remains in our plans.” Visa, Speedo, Omega and PureSports are also sticking by Phelps. The only company to drop him so far is Kellogg’s.

Kellogg’s should think this through. Rolling papers as cereal box prizes. Weed shaped cereal. A list of the health benefits of marijuana printed on the back of their boxes. They’re missing the perfect opportunity to jump on the stoner bandwagon.

[Image via Splash News]

Michael Phelps’ troubles aren’t even close to being over. Subway has begun purging any reference to Phelps from their website in advance of publicly dropping the Olympian’s sponsorship, a deal which was made not too long ago at the end of November.

Sources tell Buzzroom that Subway is pissed off and are discussing legal and monetary ramifications. In short, they want to “get rid of this embarrassment.”

Phelps is still high so he probably doesn’t even know what’s going on. Here. I’ll put it in terms he understands. Without corporate sponsorships, you will have no money. Without money, you will have no pot. Without either weed or money, you will be nothing but a goofy face. Hence, you will not get laid. Wait. Did you hear that? It sounded like someone was screaming, “Noooooo!”

Kellog has decided not to renew their contract with Michael Phelps for their corn flakes brand after it expires at the end of February. This is a direct result of Phelps being photographed taking a bong rip. His goofy face didn’t help either. A spokesman for the company said:

“We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the U.S. Olympic team,” a company spokeswoman says in a statement. “Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract.”

In addition to being shunned by breakfast cereals, USA Swimming, swimming’s national governing body, has suspended Phelps from competition and denied him financial support for three months. They also issued a fancy shmancy statement.

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero,” the federation says in a statement. “Michael has voluntarily accepted this reprimand and has committed to earn back our trust.”

Kellog and USA Swimming aren’t the only ones that can issue statements. Michael can too.

“He feels bad he let anyone down,” the rep says. “He’s also encouraged by the thousands of comments he’s received from his fans and the support from his many sponsors. He intends to work hard to regain everyone’s trust.”

These tight asses need to chill out. They’re acting like Michael Phelps killed a hooker. Which he may very well have. But no body, no crime. So what gives Kellog? Do you know something the police don’t?

Michael Phelps should have tried harder to get that photo of him hitting a bong off the market because no authorities in South Carolina are considering a criminal charge against him. No specific charge has been mentioned, but Lt. Chris Cowan said Richland County sheriffs are investigating the photo taken during a November house party.

South Carolina police must have a lot of time on their hands to be looking into this. They must have run out of rapists and murderers to apprehend so now they have to devote their efforts to college kids smoking pot. What a valuable use of police resources. Maybe later they can hunt down children running lemonade stands and fine them for not having proper permits and licenses.

Goofy looking US Olympic hero Michael Phelps was caught smoking a bong. Sources told News of the World it happened at a party he crashed while visiting his girlfriend Jordan Matthews at the University of South Carolina in Columbia last November. It’s said that this was only one of many nights of debauchery.

“He arrived with a group of girls hanging all over him. Jaws hit the floor when he walked in. You don’t get many celebrities in Columbia, so when Phelps comes to your party it’s a very big deal.

“He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go.

“Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

As he basked in his hero status, Phelps knocked back beers and shots of spirits. And when a student offered him the glass bong engraved with red writing, he did not hesitate, says our source.

The 6ft 4ins athlete, in a white T-shirt and navy cap worn back to front, clasped the device in his huge hands and inhaled deeply.

Our source said: “You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do.

“He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits. Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.”

Phelps has since apologized. On Sunday, he issued a statement admitting he “engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgement.”

Phelps then hit up Facebook and wrote: “I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.” Meaning, he’s not going to be stupid enough to get caught next time.

The Swimming-IOC has forgiven Phelps and said that Phelps’ quickness in issuing the apology was proof of his sincerity.

“Michael Phelps is a great Olympic champion. He apologised for his inappropriate behaviour,” IOC spokeswoman Emmanuelle Moreau said on Monday.

“We have no reason to doubt his sincerity and his commitment to continue to act as a role model.”

When asked about this incident on Monday, Phelps replied, “I issued an apology?! Dude, I must have been so high.”

No longer in training and having accomplished the greatest feat in Olympic history, Michael Phelps went to the Playboy Club at the Palms in Vegas over the weekend to score some tail. According to Neel Shah at Radar,

“It was unreal. Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over… I’ve never seen such an aggressive grip.”

Apparently, this is what happens when you’re the greatest athlete ever. And here I am trying to lure girls to me by tying a $20 bill to a string when I could have just won eight Olympic gold medals.

The National Enquirer reports that goofy looking Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps and American Idol contestant, Carrie Underwood, have planned their first date after days of texting. No details on where they plan to go, but it will probably be a non-eating affair.

“I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

“Carrie needs someone who is going to stick by her,” a skeptical pal of Carrie’s revealed to the National Enquirer. “She was devastated when her relationship with Tony Romo broke. The last thing she needs is a relationship with another high-profile celebrity who’s going to end up loving and leaving her.”

Yea, yea. Carrie’s “feelings”. Whatever. More importantly, did you know Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day while training? His breakfast consists of:

— three fried egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayo
— one five-egg omelets
— a bowl of grits
— three slices of French toast with powdered sugar
— three chocolate chip pancakes
— two cups of coffee

For lunch, Phelps drinks 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks, one pound of pasta with tomato sauce and two large ham and cheese sandwiches (with mayo) on white bread.

For dinner, Phelps’ meal consists of six to eight slices of pizza, another pound of pasta with tomato sauce, and 1,000 calories of energy drinks.

This is otherwise known as the “Britney Spears Diet.” Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

A few blogs reported through sources (read: wild imaginations) that Amanda Beard and Michael Phelps hooked up / are dating. This video may be evidence to the contrary. Amanda called into the Johnjay and Rich show to deny the rumors. Her exact words were, “eww, eww, eww, eww,” and “C’mon, I have really good taste.”

Oh, I know, right? Michael Phelps is a goofy looking bastard and Amanda is a Greek goddess. Why would she ever willingly, without a gun to her head, date a guy (eight time gold medal winner in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, fourteen overall) who’s so obviously beneath her (two career gold medals). She’s Aphrodite incarnate.