Married for four months, Carrie Underwood said in an ABC Special that she’s not planning on having kids with Mike Fisher anytime soon. “We just want to be together and keep it as simple as possible. And I think a baby would just make things so complicated right now,” she said. Good. If I was Mike, I’d be pretty pissed if my wife decided to get fat four months into the marriage.

Carrie says she doesn’t go out and party either. She’d rather “go see a movie with friends or… like get together and play board games, or, something silly like that.”

She also says that while her husband chops wood, plays hockey and is outdoorsy, he also likes to shop.

Ha. What a queer. Get a load of this, you guys. Mike Fisher loves to shop. *Dangles limp wrist in air and begins speaking with a lisp* Oh, I just love theeth shoeth Carrie. They are thoooo thliming. But do you think blue will bring out the color of my eyeth?

Haha. Now let’s see what other minorities I can offend today.

Perhaps you heard. Mike Fisher gave Carrie Underwood an engagement ring. An expensive sounding flawless yellow diamond that she was flashing at the Ottawa Senators vs Boston Bruins game.

What you probably haven’t heard about is the ring I gave my girlfriend. It’s made out of air. It’s invisible. To see it, you just have to believe. Top that, Mike Fisher, you big showoff.

Having quietly dated for the past year, Ottawa Senator hockey player Mike Fisher has proposed to Carrie Underwood. At a press conference on Monday, Fisher confirmed:

“It’s true,” he said. “We’re both obviously excited and very happy.”

In related news, if Carrie Underwood took Mike Fisher’s surname, she’d be known as Carrie Fisher aka the girl who played Princess Leia. Hoping to get the world exclusive report, I used cutting edge image manipulation to re-imagine what Carrie Underwood would look like had she played Princess Leia (up top). When I showed my masterpiece to a 5-year-old, he ran away screaming and crying. That’s right. Run away, boy. Just like you do with all your problems!

Carrie Underwood is dating Ottawa Senators player Mike Fisher and either she’s really embarrassed about it or she saw me in the stands drawing a heart in the air with my fingers. Again.

To clear things up, I asked about her relationship with Fisher and Underwood said, “Mike? Mike who? What’s an Ottawa Senator? Hockey? No, no, what’s that? Where am I? Ahhh! Rape! Rape!”