If this dress was cut any lower, Minka Kelly would be topless and I would be freaking out because I would be convinced I’d have died and gone to heaven.

Remember when a source told JustJared that Minka Kelly and Wilmer Valderrama were definitely not dating? Turns out that source had no idea what they were talking about because friends don’t really sort of start making out while walking together. Unless I’m hanging out with the wrong friends.

Minka and Fez were photographed in Australia yesterday looking very much the couple despite reports to the contrary. It goes to show that no matter how much you say something isn’t true, doesn’t make it so. Isn’t that so Ms. “happy with her body” Christina Aguilera?

Despite earlier reports that the two were “all over each other” at a club, a source tells JustJared that Minka Kelly and Wilmer Valderrama are “definitely not a couple.” They merely have a lot of mutual friends and hang out in the same social circle jerks, er, social circles.

Oh, great. So does this mean she’s just Wilmer’s friend with benefits? That might make it even worse. How can my imaginary girlfriend do this to me? I thought we had something special. And not just that restraining order.

It seemed to be just a rumor at first that Minka Kelly and Wilmer Valderrama were together after allegedly meeting up at a club but now the relationship is pretty much confirmed after an obviously distraught onlooker says they were “all over each other” in a private booth at L.A’.s Greystone Manor. The source goes on, “They were very flirty and dancing close. They even left with each other.”

In the words of a thousand guys everywhere, “F**k you and your fantastic life, Wilmer Valderrama.”

New reports indicate Wilmer Valderrama is now parking his penis inside Minka Kelly or at least trying to. A witness at Beacher’s Madhouse on Saturday night says Wilmer exited the club to escort Kelly and her friend inside. This was “significant” because Minka could have gotten in by herself *coughpublicisspeakcough*.

Once insider Beacher’s, where Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus also spent the evening, the actor stayed by the side of Derek Jeter’s former squeeze for the entire night. The source adds, however, the pair were careful about appearing too affectionate inside the trendy club. A friend of Valderamma’s says the famous twosome “are getting to know each other” right now. NYDN

This is a little surprising because Minka Kelly is 31 which seems 13 years too old for Wilmer. This guy usually likes them young. Though maybe all those years of picking up the young ones were just practice and now he’s going pro. Which is the argument I tried using with the judge in my court case.

*Drops to knees* Nooooooo!

A source tells Page Six that they saw with their own prying eyes Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly strolling through Le Musee d’Orsay on Thursday and “brunching” (how delightful!) at a Parisian hotel in the morning.

“She looked really excited to see him,” our source said. “They didn’t kiss romantically . . . It was more of a hello hug.”

“When the waiter brought food over, Jeter seemed a bit impatient, grabbed it off the trays and served Minka first,” our spy said “He seemed to be saying, ‘You don’t have to do the whole pomp . . . We’re hungry, so let’s just eat.’ ”

The previous day, they were spotted browsing art at Le Musée d’Orsay. According to another spy in the gift shop, “They weren’t holding hands, but they were obviously together.” Page Six

A few people went up to Jeter at the museum and asked for pictures but Jeter refused saying he “wasn’t supposed to be there.” Which is the exact same thing I say when they ask me to pose for a booking photo but I say it in more of a sniveling, hysterically crying sort of way.

ABC has canceled Charlie’s Angels due to the show’s inability to recapture the 8.7 million viewers it had for its premiere. Each week, the Drew Barrymore produced reboot dropped a couple million in viewers. Combined with terrible reviews, it was inevitable that ABC would give it the axe.

Looks like not even a girl-on-girl kiss could save that show. A startling discovery that has turned my world upside down. I thought a girl-on-girl kiss was the answer to every problem? I don’t know what to believe in anymore!

Low ratings and poor reviews have forced creators of Charlie’s Angels to take drastic measures. This involves making co-stars Minka Kelly and Rachael Taylor lock lips with each other in some elaborate plan that no one cares about.

By that same token, can we stop watching Community for a while so we can get Gillian Jacobs and Alison Brie to make out?

Me: *Looks at header pic* “I’ll have what he’s having!”
PA: “Uh, sir, he’s having respiratory failure due to water in his lungs as a result of drowning.”
Me: *Stares blankly* “Where’s that on the menu?”

Here’s Minka Kelly filming scenes for Charlie’s Angels. How that guy didn’t get an erection is beyond me. He must be a warlock or something.

Apparently crew members can’t go around slapping the asses of celebrities anymore. Damn you, zero tolerance sexual harassment policies!

TMZ reports a crew member on Charlie’s Angels was fired after slapping Minka Kelly on the butt like a cheap stripper. Rumor has it that he was holding a hundie when he did it and that Minka slapped him back.

Sources explain it didn’t happen exactly like that. They say the man did slap Minka on the ass but she responded by telling him, “Please don’t ever disrespect me or any other woman like that again.” A calm, cool, collected, but overall disappointing response. A swift kick to the nuts would have been better.

Witnesses told the bosses at ABC and the guy was immediately banned from the set and fired. Oddly enough, Minka didn’t want to get the guy canned and had nothing to do with the decision. She was friendly with the guy and upset that he lost his job after moving his family to town for it. ABC sources say the guy was a serial ass slapper and had done it to other women.

This goes to show how nice Minka Kelly is. Some guy slaps her ass and she doesn’t even want him fired. A stern lecture would have been enough. Until today, I didn’t know it was possible to be more in love with Minka. But here I am, scribbling hearts around her name in my Trapper Keeper.

E! reports that the relationship between Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter fizzled out when Minka started becoming more famous. Derek loves obscure nobodies hence why he loved Minka during the Friday Night Lights era because no one watched the show making her relatively unknown.

When her career started to take off with The Roommate and now Charlie’s Angels, that’s when Derek lost interest. He just didn’t want the attention.

I know how Derek Jeter feels. That’s exactly why I dumped Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox. They started getting too popular. This playboy millionaire likes to keep under the radar. Modesty and chiseled abs are two of my best qualities.

Here’s the recently single Minka Kelly on the set of Charlie’s Angels and then getting ready for a photoshoot in Miami, Florida.

Hallelujah! Last we heard from Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter, they were getting married on November 5 in a castle. Now reps for the two have confirmed that they have split.

A source says, “The split was amicable. But they remain friends. They still really care for each other.”

Minka is busy shooting the Charlie’s Angels reboot in Miami and Jeter is still busy looking like a dork.

Not sure that title makes any sense but Minka Kelly was in NYC yesterday afternoon walking her dog in a low-cut dress. You know what that means. Summer is here! Oh and cleavage. Sweet, sweet cleavage.