Miranda Kerr gave a painful birth to a 10lb parasite living in her body last year and here she is now walking around wearing a see-through tank looking like nothing happened. In fact, she may look even better than before she was pregnant. How is this possible? If I didn’t know who Miranda was and you told me a 10 pound baby tore through her last year, I’d either call you a filthy liar or I’d try to stone her for being a witch.

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Mainly because it get’s messy. But here you go anyway.

Up top is the only decent sized photo of Stacy Keibler in Maxim.

• Brooklyn Decker in DT.
• Cintia Dicker in Men’s Health.
• Heidi Klum in Marie Claire Australia.
• Kate Upton models for Skullcandy.
• Michelle Hunziker for Vanity Fair Italy March 2012.
• Miranda Kerr in Harper’s Bazaar.
• Paz de la Huerta for Terry Richardson (NSFW).

Hopefully this is the start of a new feature where I go over all the photoshoots we missed this day/week.

- To start off, here’s the hottest bisexual in Hollywood, Amber Heard, posing for Women’s Health.

- Bar Refaeli gets wet in GQ.

- Daisy Lowe also did a spread for GQ. But hers was for GQ Germany.

- Jennifer Garner sat down with In Style.

- Here’s the pinnacle of JWoww’s life. Her spread in Maxim. She might as well kill herself now because this is as good as her life is gonna get.

- Katherine Heigl proves to everyone she’s not a man-hating shrew in her I Hate Balls campagin. Wait, I meant the opposite.

- Miranda Kerr posed half-naked for Grazia.

- I don’t know who Olga Fonda is but she looks hot as hell in FHM.

- And a few pics from Olivia Munn’s shoot for Maxim.

Miranda Kerr made an appearance at the Louis Vuitton store opening in Sydney yesterday. She looked fantastic. You can’t even tell she had a baby. Which is good news because a kid is the last thing I want to think about when I’m whacking off to a girl.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2011 took place on Wednesday in New York. Nicki Minaj, Kanye West and Jay-Z performed while models such as Adriana Lima, Miranda Kerr and Alessandra Ambrosio walked the runway modeling outfits you’ll never see a normal person wear. We in the business call that “fashion.” All the models looked pretty hot. As they should considering all the dieting they do leading up to this day. But, jesus, what’s with blurry pictures. Doesn’t anyone know how to focus a camera? You click the shutter button halfway and then press it down after it focuses. It’s not hard, people. It’s not like trying to find the clitoris. I mean, can someone draw me a map or something?

10 months after giving birth, Miranda Kerr is already getting naked for magazines like Harper’s Bazaar Australia. She was in shape probably two months after giving birth but now she looks like she never even had a baby. Which is good for us. You don’t want some stupid kid ruining your fantasies. Miranda tells Harper’s,

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Becoming a mother puts everything into perspective. You become more comfortable in your own skin.’” Harper’s Bazaar

I disagree. I think the best thing she’s ever done is hiring a nutritionist, personal trainer and chef after having her child. Babies are cool and all but her looking hot in magazines is better. At least for me, anyway.

Orlando Bloom’s girlfriend and mother to their gigantic baby, Miranda Kerr, is back in model shape. Ergo, she walked the runway at the Fashion Fest show in Mexico City and flashed everyone her sheer panties (can’t post it but check it out here).

“Encore! Encore!,” the crowd vehemently demanded. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” said security to me and my bullhorn.

This may come as a surprise to a lot of you as it did me but pushing a 10 lb human child out of your vagina without painkillers is really difficult. Some people like Aussie supermodel Miranda Kerr describe it as downright painful. Who would have guessed?

Flynn’s arrival into the world wasn’t easy. Kerr’s labour lasted 27 hours and she didn’t so much as sniff a painkiller, which is no mean feat with a baby weighing an eye-watering 4.5kg at birth. Yet the model insists she found the experience empowering.

“I’ve never been through so much pain, but I was totally present the entire time, focusing on my breath and meditating,” she says. “I kept thinking, how do women do this? But if other women have done this, I can do it, too. I was determined.

“I actually thought I was going to die at one point and left my body. I felt as if I was looking down on myself – the pain was so intense. Then he came out and we met, and it was the best thing. I think once you go through something like that, nothing else fazes you – it puts everything into perspective.” Kerr later revealed to US talk show host Conan O’Brien that she wouldn’t let Bloom leave the room while she was in labour, even making him pee in a bottle.

“Orlando was by my side the whole time,” she smiles. “I couldn’t have done it without him. Just to have his support was a really wonderful experience.” [Daily Telegraph]

Giving birth sounds horrible. If I was a woman, I’d tell doctors to pump me with as many painkillers as possible. Listening to Miranda Kerr, I’d rather be legally declared dead for however long it takes for that kid to come out then feel 1/10th of what she felt.

Miranda Kerr tweeted a picture of her feeding her kid on Thursday. It was adorable.

Everybody all at once. Awwwwww. Now move out of the way kid! You’re ruining the picture.

I’m not a woman and I’ll never experience a parasite feeding off my body but I’m still jealous Miranda Kerr had a baby a few months ago and she looks like this now. It’s made me hold the average woman to much higher standards. That is to say, if women don’t bounce back into bikini shape three months after giving birth, they get the hose.

Miranda Kerr gave birth to a 9 pound baby 3 months ago so naturally she’s already back in bikini shape. Hear that? That’s the sound of pregnant women everywhere pulling out a butter knife and swearing to “cut that b*tch.”

Miranda Kerr debuted her son Flynn Kerr-Bloom (puts envelope to head: what is the sound of an explosion) on her blog last night. The picture, most likely taken by Orlando, shows Flynn suckling Miranda’s teet. Ahhh! Someone move that stupid baby out of the way!

On the 6th of January I gave birth to our beautiful little son Flynn. We cherish him. He weighed 9lb 12 ounces (a very healthy and big baby boy). I gave birth to him naturally; without drugs or painkillers and it was a long, arduous and difficult labour, but Orlando was with me the whole time supporting and guiding me through it. I could not have done it without him.
Thank you everyone for your beautiful well wishes and your lovely thoughts and comments. I haven’t had a lot of time to read many comments or to respond, but please know I will when I do get a chance.

The attached picture is one that Orlando took of us.

Much love Miranda and Orlando

If you remember, this kid was reportedly 10 pounds. She gave birth to him naturally? Without drugs? This woman is brave. I had to lie down for an hour after jamming my finger on my door. On the flip side, I bet her vagina is like a black hole sucking in any and all light that passes by.

Miranda Kerr gave birth to a boy on Friday in LA. Now E! News has a few more details including one about how the kid weighed 10 pounds. Holy hell.

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have welcomed a baby boy—and, according to her family, the kid is a monster, tipping the scales at nearly 10 pounds.

Per Kerr’s local newspaper, Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, the super-sized bundle of joy arrived last Friday, and despite his size, the petite Kerr (as well as her Lord of the Rings hubby) are doing “very well,” according to a family friend.

For the love of all that is good and pure, please tell me Miranda Kerr got a C-section. That size thing should not be growing in a human much less come out of one of its orifices. The hospital would look like a horror movie if the 110 pound Kerr gave vaginal birth to a thing like that. A good way to see how it would feel is to shove a cannon ball into your uterus and then try to push it out.