Last night at the Miss Universe pageant, William Baldwin asked Miss Philippines Maria Venus Raj what one big mistake in her life was and how she fixed it.

She answered that “In my 22 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major major any problem I have done in my life because I am very confident with my family and the love they are giving to me. So, thank so much that I am here. Thank you, thank you so much.”

That’s about the point everyone scratched their heads and looked at her funny. I don’t think that was an answer. To anything. That’s like something Dina Lohan would say if you asked her why Lindsay is such a screw-up.

Heidi Montag performed at the Miss Universe pageant and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed. I almost shed a tear. It’s like angels themselves came down from the heavens and blessed me with their song. I knew right after listening to Heidi lip-sync her way through a pre-recorded track that I would never hear or see a performance as divine as that again.

No, but really. This has to be the worst thing to ever grace a stage. I’ve seen three-legged dogs on the verge of death give better performances than this. Heidi could barely follow the choreography or lip-sync. Not tripping and falling on her face was a moral victory in itself. I’d rather see a bear balancing on a ball while being zapped with a cattle prod. At least then you know something interesting might happen. Unlike this where the only reprieve from the ear bleeding music was a montage of all the contestants every couple of minutes. If it wasn’t for that, I would have thrown myself out the window.

Last year, Miss USA Rachel Smith became an internet meme after falling on her ass during the Miss Universe pageant. This year, Miss USA Crystle Stewart did the same thing. Both incidents have most likely done nothing but reinforce the popular “models are dumb” belief held by the majority of the world. Bad for models, good for men everywhere since dumb girls = easy anal.

And if you really must know, Miss USA did not win the crown. That honor was given to Miss Venezuela Dayana Mendoza who awed the judges by walking five feet without eating shit. Golf clap.

Miss USA Rachel Smith made a calculated error in her training for the recent Miss Universe pageant. She failed to perfect the art of walking and smiling at the same time. An error which brought hilarity to an otherwise retarded event. During some portion of the pageant, Rachel strutted down the runway. In mid-walk, her legs wobbled, she looked like she was about to recover and then bam, she falls right on her ass on the polished floor (video below obviously). Hilarity ensues. Miss Japan ended up winning while Rachel took fourth. Rightfully so too. Any nation mass producing robo-dogs and tentacle porn should always receive an automatic victory. It’s even written in the bible.

After Miss Puerto Rico, Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza, was crowned Miss Universe Sunday night, she fainted at a post paegent news conference. Luckily, someone caught her and she was revived with liquids. They blame it on her dress made entirely of metal chains and the hot stage lights.

I’ve never worn a dress made of metal chains, but I have experienced extreme heat this past weekend. Now that I have an online degree in medicine, I can tell you with authority that the only reason you faint from hot lights is by not eating or drinking for the whole day. I also give out free breast exams now. The requirements are that you have supermodel looks, c-cups and don’t know any better.