Molly Sims headed out of the Byron and Tracey Salon in LA on Tuesday without her eyebrows. Well, they’re there but really light. She looks like a cancer patient or like she just auditioned for the part of Lisbeth Salander from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (link sort of NSFW). If I were her, I’d always keep a Sharpie handy. That way I can draw my own eyebrows. I’d make mine seem like I was really excited. I think it’d put strangers at ease.

Molly Sims, who you may remember from MTV’s House of Style and Las Vegas, married movie producer Scott Stuber in Napa last Saturday. It was a good day.

“It was an incredible weekend for everyone,” the source adds. “They stayed at the Solage Calistoga Resort and had a party at the Napa Valley Wine Reserve on Friday night. Everyone was saying it was the greatest wedding they had ever been to.” Us Magazine

What was even a better day was when Molly Sims ended up in Maui for her honeymooon where she walked around in a bikini while paparazzi photographed her. Everyone came out a winner.

Every December, famous people like Molly Sims flee to Los Cabos, Mexico to get away from the rain of SoCal. What a bunch of p*ssies. What? Poor little babies can’t stand two weeks of rain? I hope they step in a puddle and ruin their Gucci shoes. That’ll teach them.

Molly Sims looked like she was having a good time while vacationing in Mexico. Smiling, running around like a dork, giving me an erection, relaxing. Whenever I go to Mexico, it’s “get out of our country” or “we don’t know of any donkey shows.”

On a slightly related topic, why do they paint their donkeys like zebras in Tijuana anyway? Do they think the chipped and cracked lead based paint is fooling anyone? I’d have an easier time believing the Viagra they sell in their pharmacies is actually Viagra and not just caffeine pills.

Molly Sims celebrated her 35^th birthday by seductively sucking cake off a candle. One witness called it “totally hot” while another witness ran off to the bathroom. Okay, I lied. There were no witnesses. That was just me.

I thank the man who invented beach volleyball from the bottom of my heart. Without him, women like Molly Sims would have never thought to hit a ball back and forth over a net in her bikini and she would never have given me this special moment of watching two hot half naked women hug. I’d like to believe that after they finished, they went to the locker room and discovered that there was only one working shower. Then there would be a lot of giggling, a lot of steam, really soapy water and me sitting in corner tenting my fingers saying “exxcccellent”.

I would also like to thank the man who discovered alcohol. Without him, I would see far less attractive people and would have never spent so much quality time with my toilet.