Before I forget, Selena Gomez won Celebrity I’d Most Like to Do at the VMAs on Sunday. What devil did he have to promise his soul to for this? Because I’d like their name and number. Do I contact them by standing in a pentagram, saying their name three times in the mirror or what?

Guess who else showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards. That’s right. Kim Kardashian’s ass. It wore metallic dress with a flesh-colored back from Kaufman Franco. All the other celebrity asses were reportedly very jealous.

Uggggghhhh. Lady Gaga dressed up as Ralph Macchio but called herself Jo Calderone at the MTV VMAS last night where she delivered a pointless monologue that everybody quickly forgot 30 seconds after she finished. Then she launched into the equally forgettable song You and I.

The only saving grace is she smoked on stage which caused a few uppity people to criticize her for setting a bad example. Yea, because kids these days think it’s cool to look like a human rat.

What would the MTV Video Music Awards be without Justin Bieber? Tolerable. But, whatever. He showed up anyway with a baby boa he calls Johnson. Tee hee. Get it? Because Johnson is a euphemism for penis. *Giggles like Justin Bieber*

“I have a snake. I have red pants. And I have cheetah shoes.” And what is the snake’s name, asked Gomez? Bieber: “My snake’s name is Johnson.” — EW

*Golf clap* Here’s the conversation EW had with him.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What your snake’s name?
JUSTIN BIEBER: Johnson.
Johnson! You dirty boy!
I know. [laughs]
Dude, your Johnson is small.
[Laughs and shakes his head.]
What is he?
Justin: It’s a boa constrictor. It’ll get like four feet. It’s gonna get big.
Has he peed on you yet?
Justin: No. I hope not!!

“Well, if you touch it, it’ll get bigger,” is what Justin should have said. Then everything would have gotten real awkward because it would sound like someone was hitting on a 17-year-old kid.

I didn’t watch the VMAS on Sunday night because I had better things to do like stare out the window. Luckily I didn’t miss much as one of the few exciting things to happen, and “exciting” in this case is relative, was Beyonce announcing her pregnancy. This will be her and Jay-Z’s first kid.

Beyoncé, 29, posed for photos with her hands cradling her belly, teasing, “I have a surprise!”

“I’m happy to say it’s true,” her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

Later, during the show, she performed “Love on Top,” introducing the song by telling the Nokia Theatre LA Live crowd, “I want you to stand up on your feet. I want you to feel the love that’s growing inside me.”

After her song, she unbuttoned her sparkling jacket and rubbed her stomach. The crowd roared.

Way to beat a dead camel. What did she do next? Point to herself after asking the crowd who has two thumbs and a fetus inside them?

It was a toss-up between who was hotter at the VMAs. Katy Perry or Ashley Greene. Katy Perry had the sort of see-through top and gigantic rack while Ashley Greene had the bedroom eyes. It feels like the only way to choose between the both of them is to use my penis as a divining rod. Which one will it pick? Oooo, this will be so exciting!

Lady Gaga was the big winner at this year’s VMAs winning Video of the Year for ‘Bad Romance’. She accepted her award in a meat dress. Probably just to piss off PETA some more. She also wore a couple other outfits. One of which included lobster claw heels. Man, that Lady Gaga. So edgy! Amiriite?

Have you ever wondered what Schroeder from Peanuts would be like if he grew up in the 90′s? This.

Taylor Swift performed ‘Innocence’ (or was it ‘Forgiveness’?) at the VMAs on Sunday, a song written for Kanye West forgiving him for what he did to her at the last Video Music Awards.

Judging by how over-the-top melodramatic this was, Kanye raped her dog live on stage or something. I must have missed it last year. Not only that, everyone in the audience sat in silence because no one knew what was going on.

Reports say Taylor was supposed to do a duet with Kanye to close out the awards but spent the entire show deciding whether or not to do it only to opt for this confusing mess instead.

Edit: Nevermind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuOB9WMOyO8&feature=player_embedded

Katy Perry showed up at the VMAs last night in this see-through top looking hot. Mainly because of her huge rack. For a moment I was hypnotized by them like I was looking at one of those spinning pinwheels. I’m so glad I don’t have to interview her because I’m pretty sure the entire time I would be talking to her breasts and getting really frustrated at them when they don’t answer my questions.

Lindsay Lohan showed up in a taped Chelsea Hanlder skit at the VMAs. Her first public appearance since she got out of jail/rehab. The gist of the skit was Lindsay made self-referencing jokes to Handler and slapped her ass. One of them was, “Really, then why is your ankle bracelet going off?” Handler answered, “Oh that just means that my table’s ready at the Cheesecake Factory.”

The skit kind of sucked and wasn’t too funny but what was funny is the fact that everyone thinks Lindsay is a screw-up. The only way MTV let Lindsay be at the VMAs was if she taped the skit instead of doing one live. From Popeater,

“Lindsay knows she has a ways to go before she gains back the trust of everyone,” a friend of the troubled actress tells me. “But she’s just grateful to be getting these offers again.”

I know it’s hard to fathom, but there was actually a time when Lindsay was being offered presenting gig after presenting gig for A-List awards shows. Been a while, right?

“Now she’s just grateful to be asked back even if she has to tape her performance,” my source reveals.

I wouldn’t even trust Lindsay with a pet rock. If I were the producers at MTV, I’d have attached strings to her hands and feet and mouth like a marionette to make sure she did everything right.

In case you missed it, here’s Lady GaGa’s other two outfits at the MTV VMAs yesterday. On the left, GaGa is sporting the latest in retarded fashion. She adds a little flare to it by tipping her crown to the left like a b-boy. On the right, GaGa is in costume as the newest villain in the Twilight series. The albino werewolf.

Katy Perry fought off the urge to wear another apocalyptic Hello Kitty outfit and instead wore something much more kick-ass. A spiked, glittery, silver number that showed off her huge rack. She seemed very demure too which was hot.

In this photo, I like to think she’s saying, “Are you taking pictures of my ass? Tee hee!,” in this one, Katy and Kristin Cavallari’s breasts almost make contact and in this one, she shyly poses for the camera, unsure as to why the photog is grimacing (it’s because his pants have become much too tight).