This is really happening. Kim and Kourtney Kardashian went on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show today to debut Kim’s new single Jam, which I think is short for “Jam this sharpened pencil in my ear so I don’t have to listen to this terribleness anymore.”

The single, produced by The-Dream, features Kim’s monotone voice digitally enhanced by computers. There’s even one melody that sounds straight ripped from one of Rihanna’s songs. This should have been aborted. It sounds like she’s just talking into the mic. This might as well have been spoken word and at the end they could have added in sounds of fingers snapping to avoid any awkwardness from people who may feel obligated to clap after she finishes singing this.

It’s also amazing how she manages to stretch the song out for nearly 5 minutes. But that’s bound to happen when you repeat “turn me up, turn me up” 16 times at the end.

Seacrest out!

One day before its official release, Hold It Against Me, Britney Spears’ latest single, has leaked. Produced by Max Martin and Dr. Luke, the song is another synth pop dance track about getting laid. This a little in your face. The lyrics needs to be more subversive like those 90′s Disney Movies. The dubstep around the 2 minute mark makes me feel like I’m in an episode of Skins. The video for this should just be Britney shooting lasers out of her eyes and jumping around while bass thumps for 4 minutes.

Somehow at the end of last year, Kim Kardashian hooked up with The-Dream to produce a single called Turn it Up. Much to people’s disappointment, Kim debuted it on NYE at TAO (video below). She started it off by saying, “I did this song with The-Dream and it’s really fun. I hope you guys like it.” At that point, everyone started running towards the doors like Kim just yelled “fire.” MTV described it as,

…a straightforward dance floor banger with a thumping Euro club beat and Kardashian’s heavily processed vocals. The video for the tune was filmed last week in Los Angeles by famed video auteur Hype Williams. After she was spotted in the studio with Kanye West, it was reported that the MC could make a cameo in the clip.

Pretty much as you imagined. An underwhelming, cookie cutter song backed by heavily processed vocals from Kim. She might as well have sung it with that computer Stephen Hawking uses to speak with.

They’re already filming or filmed the video which is a good sign we’re about to have this forced down our throats. But you know half the idiots out there are going to eat this up. Just look at Ke$ha for proof.

Jessica Simpson’s next release will be a country album. A far cry from the manufactured pop ballads she’s known for. Expect lots of whining and songs about unrequited love. Basically emo for the south. If you’re curious, the first single, Come on Over, was “leaked” and can be heard above. I don’t know what to make of it. On one hand, she has a decent voice. On the other hand, she’s not naked.