The Octomom masturbation video none of you have been waiting for will soon be upon us. Nadya Suleman filmed her first scene for her self-pleasure porn after studying similar videos and talking to porn stars at the porn mansion she was shooting at. She went totally method.

Producers say she was nervous at first but quickly blossomed. A source tells TMZ, “She was a natural …she looked great.” Which is not as big a compliment as you’d think it is. This is basically saying, “Hey, you’re pretty good at this. You must masturbate a lot.”

At the height of her fame, Vivid offered Octomom Nadya Suleman $1 million to star in a porno. They even offered full medical and dental for her children if she signed on to do multiple films. She refused saying she’d never do porn or pose nude for money.

On Monday, Suleman filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection. Now her tune has changed. Sort of. While she’d consider starring in porn, there would need to be certain rules. “I would not kiss somebody. I wouldn’t touch somebody,” Nadya said. Which kind of defeats the purpose of a porno. There’s no one on earth who wants to watch a woman who’s had 14 kids pleasure herself solo.

“If it’s a job, and it’s a well-paying job, and it’s going to allow me to get us out of here and into a very safe huge home that they deserve, then I’m going to do it.”

“You know, if the opportunity comes up, I’ll be the first to admit I’m gonna eat my words, because all that matters is that I can take care of my family.” Showbiz

It’s highly unlikely Vivid will give her anywhere near the same offer especially since the only thing Nadya wants to do is solo porn or be a cam girl. A genre that’s boring as hell not to mention frustrating. “I’ll take off my top but you’ll have to deposit some virtual coins. *Casino slot machine sound goes off*” Not that I know anything about that. I just, um, get a lot of pop-ups. Yea, that’s it.

Octomom spoke with Good Morning America today after TMZ posted those photos of her children living in what her hairstylist described as squalor. Naturally, Nadya Suleman alleges “I think maybe me and my kids were set up.” Ah ha! I knew it.

Though to be fair, Nadya’s hairdresser was probably fishing for a payout from TMZ worth more than that $520 she got from giving her that Brazilian blowout.

Anyway, in the GMA interview, Nadya tries to explain away everything. Nadya quips about the hairdresser, “She thought it was unacceptable that they’re, you know, half-naked, goin’ potty.” Then Nadya looks to an imaginary coalition of understanding parents to back her up. “I mean, moms out there, come on.” Yea, moms out there are really going to nod their heads in agreement that letting their kid run around half naked pooping in a fake toilet in the backyard is normal.

Nadya then explains the chair propped against the door. “I didn’t want the kids to go in there at the time and one of my older kids jammed the chair up there so they wouldn’t keep opening and closing the door.” Why don’t you just tether those kids to a stake in the yard? Works for me when I babysit.

She then defends herself from people angry that she would spend $520 on her hair while still receiving welfare. Octomom says that it isn’t a fair criticism. She says $520 was for 15 haircuts in all and not just the single cut. Still, that comes out to a $35 haircut each time. She goes on to say that it’s not even an issue because this is her last month on welfare and that the “$4,000 to $5,000 per month she receives in public assistance” (what?!) goes towards the children and she only pampers herself with the money she earns from her jobs. She continues,

“I’ve been using the media to pay the bills,” she said. ”Any offer now is to take care of my kids. I had to strip myself of pride.”

As for the public image of her as an unfit mother – emphasized again by the leaked photos for her graffiti-covered home — Suleman says she wants to change that image.

“I hate ‘Octomom,’” she said. “I wanna’ take a freaking sledgehammer and crack her in half. That is some freak that they created in the media. I need it to be done.”

Right, the media created Octomom. It had nothing to do with Nadya telling the fertility doctor to put eight babies inside of her and then giving birth to the eight babies and than perpetuating the image of Octomom so she could make money off it to buy things with. Oh but now that “Octomom” conjures up images of a inept mother who can’t take care of her 14 kids, she wants Octomom to disappear. Someone should explain to her that’s not how things work. You can’t just say you’re done with an image when the image you created starts working against you. Just ask Paris Hilton who thought it’d be a fabulous idea to celebrate the fact she’s a functional retard.

Octomom Nadya Suleman’s hairstylist Stephanie went to the La Habra police  to file a formal complaint on Tuesday alleging Nadya’s kids are living in squalor. This after seeing the living conditions after giving Nadya a Brazilian blowout. Nadya even locked her kids in the bedroom by propping a chair up against the door during the session. Can’t have those screaming monsters running around when you’re getting your hair did, ya know.

A La Habra cop and three reps from child services went to investigate. What they found was what you’d expect. A woman who hadn’t thought things through before asking herself, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to pop out 14 kids through my vagina?”

One photo shows two kids taking a dump in a portable training toilet in the backyard. Stephanie said the plumbing was broke and that only one toilet worked. According to her, a plumber gave Nadya a $150 estimate to fix it but Nadya declined saying it was too expensive. You can sort of see how that makes sense until you find out Nadya is pulling in $2,000 a month from welfare and just cut Stephanie a $520 check for a Brazilian blowout and two previous cuts and then spent $80 on hair products.

Another photo shows the kid’s bedroom with 2 cribs and a mattress. Stephanie says some of the kids have to sleep on the floor. Yet another shows kids running barefoot, dirty and pantsless in the backyard. Yeesh, you’d think they were bloggers or something.

After an hour and a half, authorities concluded the kids were not in danger but there will be a follow-up. Hopefully next time child services, who are unable to charge her with neglect, comes with nails, 2x4s and caution tape to finally board up her vagina.

At the height of her fame and even a little bit after, Octomom aka Nadya Suleman was offered a lot of money to show her body. Vivid even offered her a $1 million deal to star in one of their films. At the time, Nadya had a little too much of that annoying thing called “dignity” and swore she would never do nudity. But dignity doesn’t feed 14 genetically engineered babies so as the years passed and overdue notices began piling up, that dignity slowly started being whittled away. Eventually, she was doing fetish photoshoots and now she’s doing topless shoots for overseas magazine. However, she’s not commanding the same price she used to.

TMZ reports that days away from being foreclosed upon, Nadya has decided to go naked for Euro mag “Closer.” Sources say she only made $10,000 off the shoot. A paltry sum compared to a few years ago but enough to rent a new place. She tells the mag, “I’m doing that (posing nude) because I need to feed my kids. I need to pay the bills. And I’m still very cognizant of the repercussions of my choices.” I believe this is the same thing strippers say before they make a career out of it.

Nadya also tells the mag that guys hit on her all the time. “I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 – I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off.” I know what she means. I have to beat girls off with a stick whenever I step out into fantasy land.

She’s so blessed in fact that she didn’t even have to diet after having kids. “I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st to over 19st, but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself.” Granted, she also probably doesn’t weigh herself because she doesn’t want the kids to hear mommy crying in the bathroom again.

Octomom supposedly did pretty well for herself last year with appearances and celebrity events but today comes news she’s been dropped by her management because she became a burden to deal with. Wow, that’s exactly how Octomom must feel about her 14 kids. Sources say Nadya Suleman would find any reason to cancel a paying gig. The most used excuse was she couldn’t find a babysitter.

“I quit on her because she is unmanageable. She would not reply to anything work-related we would call or text about especially if it was not paid.”

Gina added, “Regardless of the $70k we made her, she still claimed to not be able to pay any of her bills. We no longer wanted a part of any of it and we feel sorry for the children.” TMZ

Her Facebook, Twitter and UStream accounts have all been shutdown. However, to hear Nadya tell it, she was the one who did the firing. “I fired my manager today and she’s a little upset so she shut down all my profiles online. “I chose not to work with her anymore. New year, new beginning. I’m not technologically savvy but I’ll have to now start from scratch and set up my own Facebook and Twitter as she had done all that for me.”

Sure, her kids are about a month away from going hungry and resorting to eating the LV purses she spent all her money on, but on the bright side, we’re only a few months out from never hearing about this woman again.

In bizarro world news, Nadya “Octomom” Suleman inked a 6-figure deal to star in her own show on Ustream. She will broadcast live from her home every Sunday to talk about, “Parenting, fitness, diet, nutrition, shopping on a budget and all those crazy rumors.”

There is no way this is true. First, the only parenting advice this woman has to give is to incubate eight babies in your uterus and hope for a 6 figure deal from a video streaming site. Second, if I know the internet and I’d like to think I do, the only questions that are going to be asked are how one can exercise after taking an arrow to the knee and “show your tits!”

At the end of June, InTouch released an interview with Octomom where she allegedly said she hated babies and that her older six children disgusted her, that she locks herself in the bathroom to cry and that she sometimes contemplates suicide. Octomom then went on Today to do damage control. She denied what In Touch printed and said she was considering suing for slander.

Of course, the best defense against slander is the truth. Which is what you hear in this tape obtained by TMZ (listen here).

Octomom states, “Whenever I hear a baby cry, I cringe. I do not like babies.” Nadya continues, “I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick … I don’t even look at them. I have to look away.”

Octo also admits to locking herself in her bathroom just to get away from it all — a statement she partially denied to us, claiming, “I hardly have 30 seconds to go to the restroom, I could never lock my self in the bathroom for hours.”

Nadya’s rep tells TMZ that, “Nadya never gave an interview to InTouch magazine. She never once said she was disgusted by her own children.” In a sense, that’s true. She gave an interview to a freelance reporter and said she hated every baby besides hers.

If you read between the lines, all Octomom is saying is if a pillow were to fall on their faces and suffocate them while they slept then c’est la vie.

Octomom Nadya Suleman made an appearance on the Today show this morning and brought along her eight kids that she wants dead. She talked to Ann Curry about barely making ends meet while her kids ran rampant around the studio. One of them even plowed through the backdrop and almost ended up on the street.

She also claimed she never told In Touch that she wishes she never had them and that she’s contemplated suicide. Nadya says she’s looking to sue In Touch for slander. Meanwhile, her kids are still going crazy and Nadya has to count them off to see if she got them all.

I’m getting fed up just watching this. If I was her, I’d think about killing them too. I mean, is there any way we can gift these kids away. You might never be invited back to another Christmas party but at least those damn monsters would be gone.

What do you do when your fame runs out, you’ve squandered all the money you’ve made off of popping 8 kids out of your vagina and no doctor will put another litter in you? You hold a bikini car wash to save your house, that’s what.

Nadya Suleman, Octomom, is doing just that. She’s enlisting a bunch of D-listers like Charlie Sheen’s porn star Capri Anderson, Tila Tequila, Reggie Bush’s mistress January Gessert and Mel Gibson’s mistress Violet Kowal to help her in her quest. A car wash will run you $20 or $30 for SUVs.

This sounds like a good deal. I can’t think of anything better to spend $20 on than to have a no-name D-lister scratch up my car with her fake tits. It’s for a good cause. As legend has it, if fame whores don’t get attention regularly, they wither away like Jennifer Aniston’s womb.

Nadya Suleman, Octomom, is broke and she has 14 little chirping mouths to feed so she did what any mother would do and starred in her own fetish video.

TMZ has stills from the shoot and it looks ridiculous. The whole thing seems like a gag which it probably is because the guy being whipped is “an LA radio personality featured on Rick.com” named Tattoo. The set was actually Nadya’s home and the horsey the guy is riding is her kid’s.

If you think about it, this sucks for the kids. No one wants a grown ass man in a diaper defiling their toys. If I saw this, I’d stab him with a sword made out of Legos and then bury him under my Barbie Dream House.

Remember Nadya Suleman aka Octo-Mom? She got famous for giving birth to octuplets and trying to look like Angelina Jolie. At one point she was looking to buy a $1.24 million house.

Well, her and her 14 kids are broke now and about to go on welfare. Looks like it’s time to put a few of them in a bucket and throw in the ‘ole river. From Radar:

“Nadya is running out of money very quickly,” a source close to the infamous mom told RadarOnline.com. “She’s still hoping to pull off a deal that will pay her a fortune but at this point it just doesn’t seem possible.”

“She was hoping for merchandizing deals, but those never came through,” the source said. “And she’s written a book but no publisher wants it.”

“Nadya has nannies and huge expenses raising 14 children,” the source said. “She needs a lot of money just to keep up with the basics. And now the income has dried up and she didn’t make enough in the past year and a half to live off of it.

“Nadya will never come out publicly and say she’s going on welfare but everyone close to her and familiar with her situation knows that it’s going to happen very, very soon. She needs the money. She has no choice at this point.

“And she’s been on public assistance before.”

Good. Someone should take this woman’s children away. The only reason this psycho had eight kids in addition to her six was to get famous or land a series on TLC. She might as well turn herself into a traveling circus where her kids are midget carnies and the main attraction is her unholy womb.

Jimmy Kimmel Live had a bit where former Miss South Carolina Teen USA interviews Octomom. And I’ve never heard Octomom speak before. Two words: whack job. Her laugh reminds me of a serial killer. If she ever does get a reality show (or has she?), don’t expect The Girls Next Door or Jon and Kate plus 8. Think more Behind the Eyes of the Insane.

Watch the video and look for the shot of the 14 babies. I love how two nannies feed her babies while she’s off doing her motherly duties, i.e. filming tv segments. If I were those kids, I’d form an escape plan right now. Although, it’s gonna be tough to make any plans using only the words ‘ga ga’.