In completely stupid news of the day, to promote their new Bliss chocolate, Cadbury used the tagline “Move over Naomi, there’s a new diva in town.” Most intelligent people with a modicum of sense would be able to tell Cadbury was marketing this as a chocolate for those with a more refined taste. The only reason they referenced Naomi Campbell was because she’s well known for her diva-like fits. Oh, hey, guess what happened?

Naomi Campbell threw a diva-like fit and is looking to sue Cadbury because she says the ad is blatantly racist. She told The Independent, “I am shocked. It’s upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all black women and black people. I do not find any humor in this. It is insulting hurtful.”

First of all, that gust of wind that lifted Naomi’s weave? That was the joke going over her head. Second of all, I can think of five other worse names to call black people than “chocolate.” In fact, I bet a few other minorities would welcome being compared to a candy that 90% of people love. But no. This is Naomi Campbell. The only reason she’s outraged is because they called her a diva and the only way people get behind the cause of a whiny diva is when they shout racism. It’s a claim every overly sensitive person falls back on.

And it’s working. Naomi’s mother backs her saying, “I’m deeply upset by this racist advert. Do these people think they can insult black people and we just take it? This is the 21st century, not the 1950s. Shame on Cadbury.” Operation Black Vote even got involved calling Cadbury to apologize or face a boycott. They’ve even started riling up Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. The best part is when OBV’s Simon Woolley stated,

“Racism in the playground starts with black children being called ‘chocolate bar’. At best, this is insensitive, and at worst it demonstrates Cadbury’s utter disregard for causing offence. Its lack of apology just adds insult to injury. The Eurocentric joke is not funny to black people. It’s particularly galling because we’ve just had a week that saw the establishment fall over themselves to be close to the Obamas and yet black people are being derided in such an insulting and negative way.”

I’ve never once heard people make fun of a black kid by calling them a “chocolate bar.” I’d think that if it ever did happen, it would be met with a look of utter confusion and the racist kid’s friends would turn on them for throwing out the world’s weakest insult.

Look. Racism is terrible and anything that promotes it shouldn’t be tolerated but this clearly is an overreaction. This situation is more like if an ad for a herpes medication came out and referenced Paris Hilton. Even then, I bet instead of moral outrage, everyone would nod their heads in mutual understanding.

Years of assistants pulling at Naomi Campbell’s hair while she held their heads underwater have left her bald. Actually, The Daily Mail says it’s from years of tight hair extensions causing severe breakage but I like my theory better.

‘The biggest potential problem is traction hair loss and breakage because of the pulling involved.’

But Naomi appeared oblivious to the revelation as she posed at a gas station in the Meatpacking district.

Not even Naomi’s hair wants to stay with her. It literally quit her head. Probably got tired of all the screaming. I mean, Naomi doesn’t actually style her hair. She just yells at her hair until it does what she wants.

[Bauer]

Unless Naomi Campbell can float around the event like a celestial being, don’t even think about having her promote her own perfume. Campbell, who’s being sued by Moodform for backing out of their 12-year-old perfume deal, once refused to do a televised awards show because she had to walk up some steps.

In an affidavit, Campbell’s former agent Carole White said Campbell backed out of a televised awards show in Australia after finding out the elevator had broken and she’d have to walk up two flights of steps. “Her failure to show was not only embarrassing, but caused friction with [the] Wella [perfume] people in Australia,” White said of the 2000 event.

In Naomi Campbell’s defense, walking is hard and takes years to master. That’s why only the most talented walkers become supermodels. Walking also takes a toll on the body. Much like football players after years in the game, professional walkers’ bodies just aren’t the same. This is probably what Naomi whines about to her gardener when they make idle chitchat. I imagine Naomi does this while sitting in a wheelchair wearing a sunhat and sipping on lemonade while she watches her migrant worker slave away in 95 degree heat.

In 1997, representatives of president Charles Taylor, a Liberian strongman currently on trial for war crimes and crimes against humanity, knocked on Naomi Campbell’s door and gave her a huge uncut blood diamond. Page Six explains,

The excitable supermodel and the genocidal warlord were overnight guests of Nelson Mandela, correspondent Brian Ross reports, as was Mia Farrow, who has campaigned to bring attention to Taylor’s diamond-fueled campaign of terror over the Liberian border in Sierra Leone.

Farrow tells Ross she learned of the diamond at breakfast: “Naomi Campbell came down . . . she said during the night some men had knocked on her door and she, half-asleep, had opened the door and it was representatives of President Charles Taylor and that they had given her a huge diamond. And we were like, ‘Oh, my gosh.’ ”

Ross narrates: “Prosecutors say Taylor was in South Africa . . . to buy weapons for the Sierra Leone rebels with blood diamonds and that Mia Farrow’s information about Campbell helps tie him to the purchase.”

Farrow says, “You don’t forget when a girlfriend tells you she was given a huge diamond in the middle of the night . . . There’s no doubt in my mind. All I thought was, ‘Gosh, what an amazing life Naomi Campbell has. Probably lots of men are always giving her diamonds.’ “

Now Naomi is being asked to testify. Oh, but do you think Naomi is willing to give up that big uncut diamond? Hell no. At a recent Fashion Week appearance to raise money for Haiti, Naomi was asked about it and she said, “I didn’t receive a diamond and I’m not going to speak about that.” Then she slammed the camera to the floor.

Asking Naomi to give up a huge uncut diamond is like asking a starving bear to give up a New York steak. There’s no way Campbell is risking that being taken away even if it was literally stained with the blood of a hundred innocent lives. Plus, I’m sure the way it sparkles under the light washes away the guilt real quick.

Police are no longer interested in questioning Naomi Campbell about an alleged assault that took place Tuesday afternoon in which she punched her driver in the back of the head. No charges were filed and police consider the case closed.

A spokesman for Campbell said people shouldn’t rush to judgment and that “there is more to the story than meets the eye.”

This is the thousandth time Naomi has “assaulted” one of her employees so I fail to see how there’s more to this. Maybe there was a reason. Maybe the driver said the dress she was wearing made her look fat. In which case, I guess the punching him in the back of the head while he wasn’t looking was justified.

Naomi Campbell is once again in trouble for assault. Police are searching for her after she clocked her driver in the back of the head.

Campbell was picked up at the Mandarin Hotel and being driven to a studio in Queens earlier today. Heading east on 58th Street, Campbell brought up a year-old incident involving her boyfriend, Vlad Doronin, where she called him and the driver, both of whom didn’t pick up. Naomi thought the driver was covering for Vlad.

Angered by this thing that happened 12 months ago, Campbell hit him in the back of the head at the intersection of 58th Street and Second Avenue. Yes, she pretty much donkey-punched the guy. In his own car. Didn’t even buy him dinner first. Naomi allegedly punched him so hard his head hit the steering wheel resulting in bruising and swelling under his left eye.

The chauffeur got out, went up to a traffic enforcement agent and told him what happened. When they returned to the car, Naomi had fled. She’s probably halfway across the country with those long model legs of hers.

If I was the driver, I wouldn’t tell anyone I got my ass beat by a model. I’d like to think I could sort this out on my own, if you know what I mean. Heh heh heh. Wait. This ass kicking will stop if I curl up in a ball and start crying, right?

[Images: Pacific Coast News]

By internet standards, this is pretty old but issue three of Love magazine is out and if you love models, especially naked models, you’ll want to see this. Love magazine managed to trick girls like Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Lara Stone and Kristen McMenamy among others into posing nude for them. Obviously they were more successful than I was. Except mine wasn’t a trick, it was more of a pretending to fall over and grabbing onto their dresses in hopes that it’d rip off. NSFW obviously. Gallery starts here.

I was sent these two covers done by that crazy David LaChapelle for the new issue of Flaunt magazine. One of Naomi Campbell with her nipple exposed. Another with her nipple covered by hair. They say one of the covers will be a collector’s item due to limited printing. Can you guess which one? I know it’s hard to figure out, so I’m gonna give you time to think about it.

Naomi Campbell has finally settled the lawsuit brought forth by her former maid, Gaby Gibson, who called her a “violent super-bigot” and alleged that she was beaten by Naomi over a pair of lost jeans. Lawyers for both sides said they were pleased with the outcome which means Naomi gave Gaby just enough money to be happy, but not enough to put a dent in her wallet. That or Naomi threatened to put her fist so far up Gaby’s ass, so help her god, that she’d be eating knuckle sandwiches for the rest of her life if Gaby ever mentioned this suit again. That bitch is crazy, although, very convincing.

Naomi Campbell plead guilty in court today admitting she assaulted two police officers in London’s Heathrow airport. She has been fined $4,500 and sentenced to 200 hours of community service.

The supermodel, 38, admitted guilt to four of the six charges she was facing – two counts of assaulting a police officer; one of using threatening, abusive words or behavior to cabin crew; and one of using insulting, abusive, threatening behavior or disorderly conduct likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress.

“Ms. Campbell was aggressive, hostile and violent to people who were simply trying to do their jobs,” C.P.S. director Nazir Afzal said in a statement. “Her behavior fell far short of what is acceptable.”

Granted, last year in March, Naomi was also sentenced to community service for throwing a phone at her maid. She didn’t learn anything. Instead, Naomi turned her punishment into a photo shoot so maybe the judge should have sentenced her with something worse. Like, being shot with bean bag guns, being tased or wiping Rosie O’Donnell’s ass crack with one square’s worth of toilet paper.

Pictures of a drunk Naomi Campbell going limp and falling down circulated across the internet the other day. The 38-year-old was shown eating it as a guy tried to grab her arm and a woman helped her up. Today, Naomi claims she wasn’t drunk, she was just playing a trust game.

Her agent told The Sun: “It was just a bit of fun and not down to drink. Naomi was playing this trust game, where you fall into a friend’s arms.

“It’s very hot there, so that could also have had something to do with it.”

Naomi and her rep are idiots. With the trust game, you fall backwards into the person’s arms, not sideways onto concrete. And the only way the weather could have had “something to do with it” is if the heat accelerated the absorption of alcohol through her body. Her rep should have just said Naomi was trying to do that Matrix move. You know, the one where Keanu Reeves gets plastered and trips over himself almost cracking his skull on the ground? Yea, that one.

Naomi Campbell underwent corrective womb surgery or something like that and is now able to have babies. Elated, the 38-year-old model insists on living out her dream of becoming pregnant. She’s even willing to use a turkey baster.

“Now I can have a child I would like one. I’m even willing to have one without a father. I know that I am ready.”

Naomi also suggests being a mother would make her less prone to violence.

“I know that with a baby I would change, I’d calm down. With a child you cannot accept compromises. You have to give your full self.”

In Naomi’s house, discipline will be a little different. Instead of spankings and timeouts, punishment will be doled out by grabbing various types of communication devices and throwing them at the head. This will either make her child an excellent dodge ball player or turn them into a retard of Paris Hilton proportions.

[Naomi Campbell at the CFDA Fashion Awards. Image via Splash News]

More details have surfaced regarding Naomi Campbell’s arrest at Heathrow a week ago. Naomi claims they only arrested her because she was black and at the time, went into a racial tirade screaming “fucking white honkeys” at the cop. The Sun writes:

Now cops claim she called a WPC a “white ****” and a “white s**g” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs.

Feel free to mad lib that the best you can. I don’t even know how they expect you to guess with four asterisks. This is like an advanced game of hangman.

After all this, Naomi voiced her displeasure at whitey’s apparent oppression:

“It just goes to show I have to fight for who I am. It’s because I’m black.”

And she’s right. The world is conspiring against her because of her skin color. That’s exactly why her luggage went missing and why they arrested her when she threw a temper tantrum and spat on a cop. Bravo. She’s figured it out. Now British Airlines and the police have to alert the Klan that Naomi is catching on. But, wait. What’s this? They can’t! Their emergency Klan phone is missing! Oh no!