Naomi Watts, her faint camel toe, Leiv Schreiber and their naked kid were in Barbados over the weekend. While Naomi and Leiv snuck into the ocean to make out, their kid ran around with his wang flopping around.

The Tourism Board of Barbados must be trying to figure out how to spin this in their favor. Um… “100% more celebrity child penis than that other Caribbean destination, St. Lucia?”

Naomi Watts and Robin Wright are filming The Grandmothers in Sydney, Australia and that was a terrible way of introducing these two near middle aged women in their bikinis. Albeit, somewhat appropriate.

Look at Naomi Watts. So constipated. Someone better make sure she got her 8 cups of prune juice.

Liev Schreiber supposedly skipped out on the Salt press junket to go to Tahiti for a week. A source says he left with friends and is there to decide if he wants to break it off with Naomi Watts.

But our insider says the actor is skipping the publicity-go-round for some free time away from work and family, to “sort things out mentally.”

A rep for Schreiber calls our story “ridiculous,” saying: “Liev went on a diving trip with a group of friends, and his boys are too young to go.”

Good news for me because there’s nothing that will send Naomi Watts into my arms faster than a break-up. Except for a gun. That works pretty well too.

Admittedly, these pictures of Naomi Watts at the pool with her son in France could be a lot hotter. First, she could get rid of that kid (throw him in the pool and don’t look back?). Second, she could wear a two-piece and walk around heel to toe while conga drums play to the beat of each ass cheek bouncing up and down.

Too bad none of that’s going on here. In fact, she looks like an old lady in the header photo. I don’t know whether I should catcall or give her a Wurther’s Original and talk about the weather.

[Fame]

Naomi Watts took a dip in the pool the other day and once again, those stupid kids are in the way. Remember when Naomi Watts used to be really hot? Now she’s 41 with two kids. The only way this could get more uncomfortable is if while breastfeeding, I walked up and said I used to masturbate to her. Oh, uncomfortable for Naomi, I mean.

If you couldn’t deduce from the title, this is Naomi Watts naked on a balcony. And not just topless, but fully nude. With bush. Also, remember she had a baby in December. Which explains a lot of things. Like why she got all huffy when I called her a fatass four months ago.

Sorry about the quality, but I wanted to show you what the world would look like if you had cataracts. Not so nice now, is it?

And if you want some back story, this is her filming a seduction scene in Mother and Child where she’ll be doing full frontal.

Update: More and higher quality.

[Images via Coqueran/Daniel Mayer]

Naomi Watts birthed another baby boy last Saturday confirms PEOPLE. This is her second son with Liev Schreiber. Their first being only born 3 years ago  is just old enough to force his new brother to wear out-of-fashion hand-me-downs resulting in years of ridicule from his peers which will eventually developing into seething contempt and, during puberty, manifest itself as insolence and hatred towards his parents. Enjoy your second child!

Naomi Watts, 39, is four months pregnant with her second child after only giving birth to Alexander Pete 10 months ago. She was last seen in the US remake of Funny Games and is set to star in the Alfred Hitchcock remake of The Birds. Up until two years ago, she made regular appearances in my fantasies, pleasuring me with naked lap dances and complex math equations. Now she just mopes around in my dreams bitching until I throw a donut at her. So, I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Fuck you Liev Schreiber.”

Thus continues my posting of “kids sticking fingers in their mom’s mouths” banner pictures. Except, this time it looks like the kid is making Naomi do the blowjob motion making it even more weird and awkward.

It’s been a while since Naomi Watts was seen anywhere. Plus, the police came over this morning and said this site needed to be sexier. Like me. Aww, you’re too kind officer.

Former personal trainer to the stars and unnecessary consonant enthusiast, Robb Parr, has a new book coming out titled “Star Quality.” In it, he tells of how celebrities like Demi Moore, Madonna and Naomi Watts were unshapely beasts before they met him.

“[Demi] lacked a defined waist, carried too much meat on her thighs, and was, by movie-star standards, thick overall. To taper her waist, we decided to accentuate her shoulders, creating a V-shape. We trimmed her thighs, shaving off some of the excess fat from above her knees, and accentuated her butt, further emphasizing her waist.” As for Madonna, whom Parr also whipped into shape, “When [she] and I started working together, she was very soft . . .” As for Aussie cutie Naomi Watts, she came to Parr “fleshy, and we needed to trim and tighten so that she would fit the mold of a bikini-clad babe.”

And when exercise didn’t work, Demi Moore got plastic surgery. Oh, snap!

By the way, was it Robb’s plan to make Madonna look like She-Hulk? I bet even her cooch is buff and that people parise her all the time for her vaginal dexterity.

Life&Style reports Naomi Watts gave birth to a healthy baby Thursday morning. The sex of the child is still unknown.

“Naomi was planning on giving birth next week– her due date was early August — but since she insisted on delivering naturally, she knew there was a chance she would have the baby before the due date. That’s what wound up happening.”

This will hopefully put an end to the rumors of what Naomi Watts was carrying. My money was on a Ford Pinto. Everybody else chose “human”. I’d have to have been stupid to pass up those odds.

Update: It’s a boy named Alexander Pete Schreiber.

With each passing day, Naomi Watts grows bigger and bigger. I no longer have any idea what she’s giving birth to. My guess is an entire NFL roster or, more realistically, a herd of buffalo.

Naomi Watts walked the streets with her boyfriend Liev Schreiber looking like she was about to explode. Is it triplets? Is it a rhino? Is it a car? Because her belly is huge. She reminds me of Gus Gus from Cinderella. She’s so spherical that when you push her over she’ll be stuck on her back like a turtle. Even when she flips onto her stomach her little arms can’t reach the ground. That’s when you start rolling her to wherever you want. Like the bowling alley. Steee-rike!