Natalie Portman looks like she bounced back pretty well after having that baby. Here she is with that creepy Benjamin Millepied at the 2012 New York City Ballet Spring Gala. One of the side effects of carrying a parasitic entity in you for almost a year is the temporary increase in breast size. Which is fantastic news for me.

Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied were both spotted wearing what looked to be wedding rings at last Sunday’s Academy Awards which led many to believe they secretly married. Surprising news because celebrity weddings usually come with a 5 page spread in a weekly and million dollar interviews about what kind of dress they wore which no regular person could afford. I mean, what kind of celebrity are you, Natalie Portman? Kris Jenner is just sitting there shaking her head muttering, “Oh, this will not do.”

But it’s true. The news has been confirmed by Jamie Wolf, the jeweler who made the rings. “I designed the rings worn by Benjamin Millepied and Natalie Portman,” Wolf tells Us. “They were made with recycled platinum and conflict free diamonds.” What? Second hand precious metal and diamonds mined with no bloodshed? This is bullsh*t.

No details on when or where they married and their manager didn’t care to comment so it’s safe to assume either Natalie and Benjamin don’t want you know about their private life or they’re just playing hard to get. She’s such a tease.

Apparently when you win the Oscar for Best Actor like Jean Dujardin did for The Artist, not only do you get a golden statue, but you also get Natalie Portman. These awards shows are really upping the ante on their prizes.

Natalie Portman gave birth to a baby boy earlier this year but details have been scarce. No one even knows his name. Until now maybe. A report from Israel’s top daily newspaper claims Natalie named the kid Alef. Do we need an explanation or can we go straight to making fun of him?

The first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, Alef (or Aleph) apparently also means leader. Though neither Natalie or Benjamin have commented on the report, the name was reportedly confirmed by the Oscar-winner’s cousin.

Natalie, whose real last name is Hershlag, was born in Jerusalem and lived in Israel until her family moved to the US when she was 3. She maintains dual citizenship and has said that though she “really love[s] the States… my heart’s in Jerusalem. That’s where I feel at home.” She also studied at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. [Baby Center]

Are we naming kids after letters of a foreign alphabet now? Aleph? When I say it out loud, it sounds like a retarded kid trying to pronounce ALF.

Natalie Portman’s first baby (boy?) pirouetted from her uterus on Tuesday, reports PEOPLE.

Natlie and fiance Benjamin Millepied haven’t released his name (or any other details) but expect it not to matter because he’ll just change it anyway when he gets into the business. Right, Natalie Hershlag?

Previously thought impossible, Benjamin Millepied managed to get a contact high off Natalie Portman’s fame. Being Mr. Natalie Portman has gone to his head it seems.

At an awards party a few nights ago, a New York Times reporter dared to ask how Natalie Portman was doing which pissed Benjamin off enough to try and have them thrown out of the event.

According to the NYDN, the reporter’s questions were innocuous enough to begin with, asking about his background and career, but then they jokingly asked if Millepied had done anything “armylike” to receive his award. “She was riffing on the fact that in the U.S., the Medal of Honor is the highest military decoration bestowed by the government to brave American soldiers, not French ballet dancers,” explained NYDN.

That went over his head prompting Millepied to shoot back, “You’re being funny?” Well, I don’t know, were they? Maybe he was asking an honest question. Regardless, everything went downhill from there.

The worst was yet to come. As Nir wrote in The Times, shortly after her reporter politely asked, “How’s Natalie doing?” “Mr. Millepied stormed off, oozing exquisite hauteur. The kind, we suspect, that can emanate only from a ballet divo engaged to a megastar.”

Although our source says reporters had not been warned in advance to refrain from asking about Portman, Nir wrote that shortly after Millepied stalked away, “we were told by the organizers that our inquiring after Ms. Portman’s health was ‘inappropriate’ and that Mr. Millepied wanted us out.”

“Later still, we were told we could stay if we didn’t report,” Nir continues. “We left.” Bravo.

Mr. Natalie Portman seems easily offended. Maybe all those years of being a high stakes ballerina have gotten to him. “It’s not your life on the line, man!,” he’s been known to say while doing a pirouette.

Natalie Portman tells Entertainment Weekly that she no longer partakes in weed but that she did when she was younger. OMG, she’s so easy to relate too!

“I smoked weed in college, but I haven’t smoked in years. I’m too old. I wish I was that cool, but I’m like an old lady now. I’m in bed by 10 p.m. I can’t do that anymore.”

While she doesn’t smoke anymore, she did profess her love for “stoner comedies.” Coincidentally, that was a perfect segue into her upcoming movie Your Highness. Damn, this college girl is smooth.

“When I sat down with [the director], he was like, ‘The girl’s going to be funny here.’ To have him be able to think of me in that way was so lucky, because [the role] is a real departure from anything I’ve done on film.”

Uh huh. Okay. Back to the weed thing. Even if she did smoke weed still, everyone would be whining because they’d just assume she’d be toking while she was pregnant. Which isn’t a bad idea actually. I bet it makes their baby much more mellow and manageable. Possibly retarded as well. But let’s not focus on the negatives.

To recap, Natalie Portman’s body double dancer Sarah Lane said she danced most of the full body dance shots in Black Swan. Both Benjamin Millepied and Darren Aronofsky said Natalie did 85% of all the dancing. Aronofsky even offered hard numbers. And yet not a single f*ck was given. That said, the controversy still hasn’t died. In fact, just recently, Natalie Portman commented on it. Ugh. Please stop. No one cares who danced what.

“You know, I, it’s it’s….um…I know what went on. We, we had an amazing experience making the movie and I don’t want to tarnish it by entering into nastiness, because it’s such a positive thing what we get to do. We get to create things. I feel so lucky to be part of that, and um, I’m so proud of everyone’s work on that movie and my experience. And I’ll have that forever. And and and and and it’s important for me to remember that no matter what nastiness is going around.” [Dlisted via E!]

In Natalie’s defense, at least she chose to scoot around it and not ruffle any feathers. If I was Natalie, I’d be offended that everyone cared so much about how much someone danced for me. I’d shout at them, “Didn’t you see me make out with Mila Kunis?!” Actually, I’d say that regardless of whether or not I’m Natalie because… MY GOD MAN, DID YOU SEE NATALIE MAKE OUT WITH MILA KUNIS?! Guys. I think we’re missing the big picture here.

Darren Aronofsky and now Mila Kunis have both come to the defense of Natalie Portman amidst her body double’s claims that she performed 95% of Natalie’s dance scenes in the movie. Kunis denies it saying Natalie danced her ass off.

“Natalie danced her a– off,” says Kunis. “I think it’s unfortunate that this is coming out and taking attention away from [the praise] Natalie deserved and got.”

Kunis also says Portman has been honest about how much of the demanding footwork she was — and wasn’t — able to do. “She’ll tell you [that], no, she was not on pointe when she did a fouetté [turn]. No one’s going to deny that. But she did do every ounce of every one of her dances,” she says. “[Lane] wasn’t used for everything. It was more like a safety net. If Nat wasn’t able to do something, you’d have a safety net. The same thing that I had — I had a double as a safety net. We all did. No one ever denied it.”

Sure, sure. That’s all well and good but let’s move on to more important questions such as, how many takes did that lesbian scene require, will you do another lesbian scene again and any other news related to girl on girl. Maybe a description of past real world experience, perhaps?

Last Friday, Natalie Portman’s body double in Black Swan, Sarah Lane, told EW that she did most of the dancing in the movie and that studios were trying to cover it up because they wanted Natalie to look like a prodigy during Oscar season.

In a statement released through Fox Searchlight, director Darren Aronofsky scoffs at the claims and uses his fancy college boy reasoning to debunk the rumor.

Here is the reality. I had my editor count shots. There are 139 dance shots in the film. 111 are Natalie Portman untouched. 28 are her dance double Sarah Lane. If you do the math that’s 80% Natalie Portman. What about duration? The shots that feature the double are wide shots and rarely play for longer than one second. There are two complicated longer dance sequences that we used face replacement. Even so, if we were judging by time over 90% would be Natalie Portman.
And to be clear Natalie did dance on pointe in pointe shoes. If you look at the final shot of the opening prologue, which lasts 85 seconds, and was danced completely by Natalie, she exits the scene on pointe. That is completely her without any digital magic. I am responding to this to put this to rest and to defend my actor. Natalie sweated long and hard to deliver a great physical and emotional performance. And I don’t want anyone to think that’s not her they are watching. It is.”

Uh huh. You think you can throw out a bunch of numbers and percentages and everyone will believe you? Oh, look at Mr. Fancy Pants here. He knows how to add, subtract and divide. What? You think you’re better than me? Is that it?!

In a recent LA Times article, Natalie Portman’s fiance, Benjamin Millepied shot down rumors that Natalie’s body double, Sarah Lane, did most of the dancing in Black Swan. People argued that there’s no way Portman could have perfected all those moves in just a year and a half. However, Millepied claimed Sarah only did the footwork and a few other moves and that the film was 85% Natalie.

“It was so believable, it was fantastic, that beautiful movement quality, ” he says. “There are articles now talking about her dance double [American Ballet Theatre dancer Sarah Lane] that are making it sound like [Lane] did a lot of the work, but really, she just did the footwork, and the fouettés, and one diagonal [phrase] in the studio. Honestly, 85% of that movie is Natalie.”

Now Sarah Lane tells EW that it’s not true. That there’s a conspiracy to diminish the amount of dancing she did in the film. Sarah said Black Swan producer Ari Handel even told her not to talk about her work to the press to make it seem like Natalie Portman was a ballet prodigy. The end game was to win her that Oscar.

“The shots that are just her face with arms, those shots are definitely Natalie,” she says. “But that doesn’t show the actual dancing.” Lane admits that she was never promised a particular title for her six weeks of work on the film, though she was disappointed to see that she is credited only as as “Hand Model,” “Stunt Double,” and “Lady in the Lane” (a brief walk-on role).

Lane also says that Black Swan producer Ari Handel specifically told her not to talk about her work to the press, even though she claims there was no such stipulation in her contract. “They wanted to create this idea in people’s minds that Natalie was some kind of prodigy or so gifted in dance and really worked so hard to make herself a ballerina in a year and a half for the movie, basically because of the Oscar,” says Lane. “It is demeaning to the profession and not just to me. I’ve been doing this for 22 years…. Can you become a concert pianist in a year and a half, even if you’re a movie star?”

Well… yea. Movie stars are not like regular people. They’re superhuman. Capable of learning complex skillsets in a matter of months. You know that movie Limitless? It’s not fiction. It’s actually a documentary about actors. Oh. That was a rhetorical question.

Anyway, Sarah says Natalie wasn’t very good regardless. She was stiff. Almost as stiff as I was during that Mila Kunis lesbian scene.

According to Lane, Portman’s dramatic transformation into a ballerina — a narrative firmly at the center of her successful Oscar campaign — wasn’t as impressive as the public was led to believe. “I mean, from a professional dancer’s standpoint, she doesn’t look like a professional ballet dancer at all and she can’t dance in pointe shoes. And she can’t move her body; she’s very stiff,” says Lane. “I do give her a lot of credit because in a year and a half she lost a lot of weight and she really tried to go method and get into a dancers head and really feel like a ballet dancer.”

And out come the claws. “She sucks as a dancer but I give her credit for trying. I mean, at least she tried. She lost a lot of weight and pretended to be a dancer, I’ll give her that.” That’s like the sort of barbed compliment a first grade teacher gives the slow kid in class. “Well, you failed the color by numbers test but, hey, at least you didn’t eat your crayon this time!”

The hacker ring that has allegedly grabbed nude photos of 50 celebrities such as Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Hudgens and Renee Olstead are now purported to have gotten into the accounts of Natalie Portman, Gold medal skier Lindsey Vonn and gymnast Carly Patterson and 100 other celebrities, politicians and sports stars. In addition, TMZ says Glee’s Dianna Agron and a prominent 17-year-old actress were also hacked. The FBI apparently knows the identity of the ring leader but have made no arrests.

Let this be a warning to the guy doing the hacking. The cops are closing in. You must dump all these pictures now. Quick! You don’t have much time! *taps foot on ground impatiently*

Soon after video surfaced of John Galliano proclaiming his love for Hitler and telling a girl her mothers and forefathers would all be gassed, he was fired from his position of head designer at Christian Dior. The fact that people like Natalie Portman, who signed to promote a Dior perfume and said she was “deeply shocked and disgusted” and no longer wanted to be associated with him, didn’t help either.

“I very firmly condemn what was said by John Galliano, which totally contradicts the values which have always been defended by Christian Dior,” Christian Dior Chief Executive Sidney Toledano said in a statement.

Paris prosecutors are expected to decide by the end of the week whether Galliano will face trial over Thursday’s incident in the trendy Marais neighborhood of Paris.

Maybe no one finds the humor in him saying “I love Hitler” because Hitler wasn’t known to be gay friendly. The only way Hitler would have reciprocated his love was by giving him a 5 second head start before shooting him.

How much do you think it pained Galliano to dress as a Rabbi during this fashion show? You can almost see the look of disgust in his face or is that just the alcohol.