Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey returned to LA after finishing up their honeymoon in St. Barths. Which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. These two don’t really do anything. Every day could be considered a honeymoon for them.

Anyway, this was a good opportunity to stare at Vanessa Minnillo’s cleavage while she walked through LAX. Oh, don’t pretend you weren’t squeezing the air and making honking noises too, Mr. High and Mighty.

A few days of hyperventilating in a brown paper bag later, Jessica Simpson put on her happy face and told Us that she isn’t flipping out and she’s actually real happy about Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo’s engagement.

“I am extremely, extremely happy for him,” she said in the interview, released Thursday morning. “I don’t know where all those rumors came from. My mom actually called me and said that everyone was saying that I was ‘saddened.’ I was just in complete shock. I couldn’t be more happy for Nick.

“Our relationship was over a really long time ago, and it would be nice if everyone could move on with us and really just celebrate the love between him and Vanessa [Minnillo],” she went on. “I do, and I really wish them nothing but the best”

Said Jessica Simpson while violently stabbing a Nick Lachey voodoo doll with a 10-inch hunting knife.

Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey, who swears they were famous at one point, recently engaged. Both their birthdays are also this Tuesday. What better way to celebrate their joint birthday and pending nuptial than to fly down to Mexico and hang out in a bikini.

This was probably a plan by Nick to shove his fiancee’s incredible body in Jessica Simpson’s face. If you read between the lines, it’s like a “haha, the girl I’m banging doesn’t have to go to magazines claiming she’s fine with her body because she is.”

In way less exciting engagement news, as if that was even possible, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are engaged. The couple, who were famous at one point in time, I swear, said in a joint statement, “We’re excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together.”

Nick confirmed the news Thursday tweeting, “Hey all. If anyone’s heard the rumors of my engagement, they are absolutely true! Vanessa and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks for all the love.”

Meanwhile, I managed to make it through this story without falling aszzzzzzzzz. Aw. Dammit.

Joe Simpson used to be a reverend. Now he manages his two daughters, is creepy and crashes Super Bowl parties. No doubt all in the name of God. Joe was in Miami when he walked in on his ex-son-in-law Nick Lachey’s event at Hotel 944. Joe was overheard saying, “Nick doesn’t know I’m here!”

“I was so confused because I thought they hated each other,” the eyewitness tells OK!.

Joe had been rumored to be one of the reasons Nick and his daughter Jessica Simpson split in 2005.

The onlooker tells OK! Joe was staying at the Eden Roc, where Nick and girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo are also celebrating the Super Bowl.

Joe has a pretty sweet gig. He gets to crash parties without being thrown out and stare at Jessica’s ass during photo shoots. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were directly related, I’d say he has the most awesome life in the world. And if anyone tries to criticize him, all he has to say is he’s doing the lord’s work because apparently god is a big pervert.

It’s been a while, but Vanessa Minnillo is finally relevant again. At least for today. Here she is at Miami Beach with that douchebag Nick Lachey. Thankfully, he’s cropped out of almost every picture. For the one he isn’t, I’ve put a big ‘X’ over him so as to not to distract you from Vanessa. Although, that could potentially be more distracting. I admit, this wasn’t really well thought out.

Realizing that all they had was each other in this crazy d-list world, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are back together again. That or they simply enjoy “steamy makeout sessions” at LA bar Dime.

“They were making-out in one of the booths and seemed totally into one another.”

Lachey and Minnillo arrived with friends around 11:30 pm, but sources said the one-time couple was enjoying some not-so-private time just 20 minutes later when they started hooking up.

Throughout the night, Minnillo joined her friends on the dance floor, while Lachey sat back and enjoyed the view.

Of course, you may remember Nick from some boy band and Vanessa from some show on MTV. No one remembers how they met because no one really cares. Nice to see things haven’t changed. The “not caring” part. I’d have been more interested in this story if, right next to the report, you showed me a picture of a bear balancing on a ball. How does he do it?!

Nick Lachey used to bang Jessica Simpson back when she was in her prime. Then they broke up. He moved on to bang Vanessa Minnillo in Mexican hot tubs. Then they broke up. Now he sits alone in the corner at clubs sipping drinks while women avoid him like he was the sole carrier of a horrible disease. He eventually leaves the club alone, dejected and sad.

Nick’s fallen past irrelevancy. Stories don’t even mention him unless it’s to humiliate him like this one. If that wasn’t enough, Page Six wrote a sarcastic title mocking him, “Nick Lachey likes being single,” and had to throw in something about Jessica Simpson, who’s been spending a lot of time at her parents’ home in Encino, to make this even remotely interesting. Reading about Nicky Lachey’s life right now is so depressing that even I want to shoot myself.

Two people who were once famous back in the day, but now not so much, have broken up. Intrigued as to who they are? Well, whatever. You’re going to find out anyway. It’s Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo! You might have figured it out from the title and header photo though.

Sources say it was an amicable break-up. These sources then went on about how they’re still friends. The reporter just rolled their eyes, made a jacking off motion and then asked, “So… how does Jessica Simpson feel about this?” The source then said they had no idea and that maybe they should ask Jessica Simpson herself. Geez. People are so unhelpful these days.

Vanessa Minnillo magically aged 20 years in this photo from LIV in Miami. Just add a pair of old people’s glasses and it’ll be like you stepped out of a time machine. Also, I’m 100% positive it’s a bad angle, but Vanessa’s mouth looks like a prolapsed rectum. And to think, Nick Lachey gets to make out with that. Lucky bastard.

Earlier reports indicated OK! Magazine paid $400,000 for those Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo’s sex pictures for their personal collection to whack off to to protect the couple. Today, a couple shots from the set showed up. Although not the sex pictures, it is Vanessa Minnillo naked. Or an unshaven Cabbage Patch doll with wonky nipples. I don’t know. I was never too good at these guessing games. Pictures are NSFW of course.

Translations of the speech bubbles

• “Now I’ll get rid of the tan lines.” – Vanessa Minnillo
• “Squeaky clean.” – Nick Lachey

OK! magazine paid $400,000 for the sex pictures and sex video of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo at their Mexican villa. But they won’t be published anytime soon because the mag bought the pics to take them off the market. Aww, somewhere a kitten is being born.

“There’s much worse stuff than what got out there on the Internet,” says a snitch. “If Nick’s fans saw it all, it would definitely change his career, because he kind of has a squeaky-clean image.”

The last thing Nick needs is to ruin his squeaky-clean image with sex photos. They might make him appear “manly” and give him a little credibility with men. Right now, if you ask any guy, Nick might as well be a baby seal. You know, something you want to club and throw back into the ocean.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo should think about hiring scarier lawyers because one magazine isn’t listening to them. An Australian rag called Famous has published the first set of “hardcore sex” photos of the two during their Mexican getaway. Whatever. I do this all the time too. Sometimes even without the ridiculously hot girl. Just a romantic evening with me and the spa jets, baby.

Note: Lawyers are scary. They use big words like “disseminate.”