Paris and Nicky Hilton showed up for the USO Swinging Salute to our Troops event in NYC on Wednesday. Although, if you knew this event was happening, their attendance was already a given if not mandatory.

As the old saying goes, wherever seamen can be found so can the Hiltons. Don’t even mention alcohol either. Paris will be gone so fast that all you’ll see is a clown-footed, wonky-eyed puff of smoke lingering in front of you.

Yesterday, cops were called to Tila Tequila’s home to sort out an argument between her, Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips. Nicky and Bijou were there to pick up Casey Johnson’s dogs and belongings at the request of Johnson’s family, but Tila refused to hand them over.

The officers quickly became referees and restored order. Tequila wheeled out a rack of clothing that included fur coats and a Christmas blanket. Both little dogs, who had been locked in a bedroom, were also handed over, as were some bathroom products and packages of insulin.

Later, Tila told the press that they were going to put the dogs to sleep and bury them with Casey. Bijou said they weren’t.

Isn’t Nicky Hilton twice the size of Tila Tequila? She could have just knocked her over and taken the dogs. Or put her hands on Tila’s head holding her at a distance while Tila punched wildly at the air. Maybe even stuffed her in a trash can and rolled her down a hill. Why can’t arguments ever be funny anymore?

I can’t wait for the day I read a story about how one of the Hilton sisters were punched in the face. Why? Because they do shit like this.

Instead of enjoying the Absolut Vodka party inside, Nicky Hilton and her boyfriend David Katzenberg sat outside of East Hampton club Lily Pond Saturday night making fun of people who tried to get in, but were ultimately rejected.

Hilton “stayed outside, hysterically laughing every time someone wasn’t let in. She was loving it.” Finally, the tipster told us, Katzenberg “dragged Nicky inside” where she partied until 1 a.m.

I wouldn’t know how any of those people who were turned down feel because I always get into clubs on account of me being so handsome and stylish, but I imagine they get sort of angry. Especially when they’re being made fun of by the lesser Hilton. Who has done nothing, by the way. Not even a sex tape. That’s like being mocked by that Jared guy from Subway. Which is also infuriating. Hey, not everyone can lose weight just by eating six inch subs, you jerk!

Nicky Hilton had shuffled her bony ass over to IHOP in West Hollywood at 5:00 a.m. this morning when she was shoved to the ground by a transient. Nicky wasn’t having any of that so she made a citizen’s arrest. She kept the guy tied up while cops arrived. When police took the guy away, he claimed he was Nicky’s boyfriend.

Nicky Hilton can barely hold down food and you expect me to believe she subdued a homeless guy? You could blow on Nicky Hilton and shatter her femur. The only way this makes sense is if what really happened was Nicky drove drunk to IHOP, fell asleep at the wheel, pinned a transient to the wall with her car and the cops came. If that’s what they mean by “held down,” then yea, okay, I believe it.

I haven’t seen this intense of a stare since I told Rosie O’Donnell that underneath one of the three cups I had shuffled was a quadruple stuffed Oreo cookie.

You can tell by these pictures of Nicky Hilton in a bikini in Maui that she’s not at all like her sister Paris. Her huge ham-like hands are awkwardly placed in front of her body, she wears her bug-eye sunglasses in and out of the water and both her breasts rest comfortably inside her bikini; all of which reveal her self-consciousness.

If this was Paris, she’d have her hands raised proudly over her head in a look-at-me pose, her sunglasses would only be on to hide the glee of people taking pictures of her and both her breasts would have accidentally “fallen” out of her bikini. No, wait. Make that one breast. She doesn’t want to look like a whore.

At the BlackBerry Curve launch party, Nicky Hilton spoke out about her sister’s impending jail sentence calling it “absurd.” The 23-year-old tells People,

“I think she should definitely be punished, but going to jail for a traffic violation is pretty absurd.”

Offering more proof the Hilton sisters are simply retarded. They’re actually sub-retarded. Paris Hilton knowingly violated probation by driving on a suspended license yet this functional moron insists the punishment should just be another slap on the wrist. Welcome to the real world bitch. If you tested the IQ of both Nicky and a monkey, you would catch Nicky looking at the monkey’s answers for 9 out of every 10 questions. And the monkey wouldn’t even be bubbling in A, B, C or D. He’d be smearing feces over the answer key. Nicky would probably just sit there bewildered and when it was all over, ask the monkey what he studied in college.

Nicky Hilton’s “Nicky O” hotel in Chicago is in trouble after a Chicago development group filed suit against the other Hilton sister. Robert Falor Investments and Grand USA Hotel Supply & Restaurant argue Nicky Hilton failed to promote the hotel which was part of their deal. Nicky also allegedly contracted out design work and attempted to charge it back to the developers and misrepresented her and her associates’ experience in hotel design. Hilton’s publicist Elliot Mintz then proceeded to play his usual mind games.

“Things are not always as they appear,” he said. “When the facts surrounding this matter are known to the public I think you will find out that the person who has been most impacted by this action will be Nicky Hilton… In the meantime, I don’t think anybody should draw any conclusions based on the simple filing of a lawsuit.”

Their first mistake was assuming Nicky had knowledge of anything other than condoms and caviar. You may not agree, but I think it’s actually kind of cute that Nicky thought playing with her Barbie dream house qualified her to design a real hotel.

Jesus, there’s a lot of Anna Nicole stuff. Thankfully, these news bits have nothing to do with her.

• Fun facts about Kim Kardashian. In addition, she also enjoys being peed on. [Evil Beet]
• Mischa Barton might star on ER. [Celebitchy]
• I can’t believe it. Norbit is out. Will it be everything I hoped for? [Pajiba]
• Ryan Phillippe on the split from Reese Witherspoon. [About]
• Sheryl Crowe and Lance Armstrong back together? [Celebrity Smack]
• Fergie and Brooke Hogan juxta-pose. [CityRag]
• Nicky Hilton’s “O” could be in deep trouble. [MollyGood]
• Eva Mendes does bikini shoot. [Bastardly]
• Ryan Cabrera’s new look. [Glitterati]
• Halle Berry pregnant? [Yeeeah!]
• A.J. Discalia likes them young. [ASL]
• Tom Cruise has an expensive bed. [Celebslam]
• Donatella Versace on Jimmy Kimmel. [Popbytes]
• American Idol all-stars special? [SOW]
• Britney Murphy does ballet. [Drunken Stepfather]
• Camerion Diaz is nice, but still creepy. [Derek Hail]

Sweet Jesus. How did they fit this much ugly in one place? News of the World says they shot this over the weekend at the Playboy Mansion. Yep, it’s confirmed. Paris and Nicky are whores.

At the Playboy Halloween party, Paris and Nicky were the center of attention. Paris danced on a table while lip-syncing to her single, Stars Are Blind.

The reaction is now always the same – her posse of sycophants surrounds her, cheering her, as most people groan,” said our witness. “This is really getting old.”

Nicky’s plan was a little different. She was

“being bent over backwards against the stage by a height-challenged young man as she wrapped a leg around his hip and they played tonsil hockey. She later spent an hour crawling under the tables (apparently) looking for a lost purse. When upright, she was stumbling all over . . . as she was fondled everywhere but the bottoms of her feet by the little ‘dance’ partner .

When people finally invent a time machine and travel back to our time, they’ll step out, stare at the Hiltons for 5 seconds, shake their heads, leave and never come back. The Hilton sisters are jerks. People of the future. Come back. I need the winning lottery numbers. Nooooo.

Because MySpace is a mess, some users on ONTD posted info on how to view comments on private profiles. If you’ve ever wanted to hear the inane ramblings of celebrities and their friends, then fire up your mouse. I feel so useless that this is old news, but better late than never. Here are Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Hilary Duff, Ashlee Simpson, Mischa Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicky Hilton, Mary Kate Olsen and Jessica Simpson.

Some highlights include Jessica Simpson telling Ashlee, “i was practically humping his face! Ickkkk” and Lindsay Lohan calling Nicole Richie a “fucktard.” After 5 minutes I stopped because my eyes started to bleed.

Update: Looks like they fixed it.

To promote her new Nicky O Hotel in Miami, Nicky Hilton took it upon herself to have a photoshoot with some naked men and women. Excuse me if I don’t understand this genius marketing campaign, but how is staring at some guys balls going to tempt me into staying at the Nicky O Hotel. Then again, what do you expect from a girl who’s business proposal was made by a 2nd grader. These pictures are NSFW and includes lots of shots of one guy’s junk. You expect that blonde to stop covering herself and turn all the way around at some point, but it never happens.