At the Toronto Film Festival promoting his new thriller Trespass, a home invasion film, Nic Cage shared his own home invasion story which actually sounds way more exciting than the actual movie.

“It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed,” he told reporters on Wednesday.

“I know it sounds funny … but it was horrifying.” — Reuters

Cage managed to coax the naked man out of his house and the cops came. He didn’t press charges because the man had mental problems. Which is quite presumptuous. Maybe the man really loved fudgesicles and it was a hot day and he wanted to watch over Nic? Protect him. Who wouldn’t want their own naked fudgesicle munching guardian angel? I’ve been wishing for one my whole life.

The New Orleans District Attorney has decided not to file any charges against Nicolas Cage for his mid-April arrest where he was charged with domestic abuse and disturbing the peace. This included grabbing his wife’s arm, maybe dropping his kid when he was drunk, running away from police, taunting them and refusing to get out of a taxi. No harm no foul apparently.

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg tells PEOPLE. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nick and the matter has been closed.”

New Orleans sounds like the perfect place to be a bro. You can be fall down drunk, endanger children and force the cops to chase you around town like you were Benny Hill and the worse that will happen is a night in jail. The DA will probably even high five you.

Last week, Nicolas Cage was arrested for domestic violence. Now it’s being reported he was also investigated for child abuse.

During his drunken stupor in New Orleans, a witness says they saw Cage pull his 5-year-old son to the ground. Cage’s wife, Alice, told police she and Nic had been arguing when they picked up their son from a friend’s house. The argument lasted until they got home where “Mr. Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

However, a witness claims he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.” Hence, a child abuse detective was called. When interviewed about the incident, cops described Cage as “hysterical” and “irrational”.

First of all, it’s probably not a good idea to be letting a drunk guy hold your son. That’s just me though. I’m no parent or anything. Second of all, maybe this is being blown out of proportion. Maybe after Nic fell, he was just using his 40 pound kid as leverage to get back up. Like Chumbawamba said, “I get knocked down, but I get up again (with the help of my tiny child). You’re never going to keep me down (because I used my tiny child to get back up).”

Nicolas Cage and his hair were arrested for domestic violence on Saturday morning after New Orleans police found him “heavily intoxicated” and arguing with his wife Alice Kim. The two were arguing over which apartment they were staying at. Nic said it was the one they were in front of. It wasn’t.

Sometime after, Cage started grabbing Kim’s arm and hitting cars before taunting a cop. He was arrested after refusing to get out of a taxi when asked by the police. In the end, he was booked and charged with domestic abuse, disturbing the peace and public drunkeness.

Witnesses say before he was arrested, Cage was in a tattoo parlor throwing his clothes around and demanding a tattoo. He told the employees to call the cops. Asked why, he said he didn’t remember where he lived.

I think observing a drunk Nic Cage would be amazing because he’d be acting like does in the freak out video below but with ten times the enthusiasm. If that were possible. Also, there’d be a lot of hair flipping and if Willow Smith has taught anything, hair flipping is awesome.

Over the weekend, Nicolas Cage took a break from shooting Ghost Rider 2 in Romania and hit up a club. He ended up outside screaming at his friend stuff like, “I’ll die in the name of honor,” and “I thought we were brothers, man!” Then he flipped his crazy hair around while his people told him to get in the car.

What’s impressive is Nic Cage acts just as over the top in real life as he does in his movies. Now whenever I want to imagine Nic Cage yelling at me, all I have to do is watch the video below and my life will be complete.

It’s no mystery Nicolas Cage is a big weirdo. He named his son Kal-El after Superman and once owned a medieval castle. Regardless, this is weird, even by Nicolas Cage standards. Cage says he’ll only eat animals that have dignified sex.

“I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles.

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex.

“I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds.

“But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

Fish don’t so much as have sex as they lay eggs and have sperm blast over them. Is that dignified? Because I blasted my sperm over a girl once and she didn’t like that. It didn’t help that it was at a McDonald’s.

Then again, some fish have sex the “human” way. Maybe he’s talking about that? But what does Nic have against pig sex? It looks pretty natural. I mean, what does he want from them. What if they wore a top hat and a monocle while having sex and oinked in Old English? Would that be dignified enough for Nic?

Nicolas Cage owes the IRS around $14 million and a tax lien was placed on his real estate holdings. His house was put up for auction in early April for $10.4 million, much less than the $35 million Cage tried to sell it for earlier, but it failed to sell again. Probably due to the fact that the interior was described as “frat house bordello”. One agent who visited it said, “There must have been 300 comic book covers elaborately framed and hanging on the walls.” Also, model train sets on raised tracks a couple feet below the ceiling circled the inside of the breakfast room and two bedrooms.

Consequently, you’d think Nic would be more frugal and hold off on making wild purchases. But this is Nic Cage we’re talking about. “Fuck that,” Nic said. Which is why he just bought a 9-foot tall pyramid-shaped super-tomb in New Orleans cemetery where he plans on being buried.

Nic is like that friend who’s really fun to hang out with but at the same time is an idiot. He’s the type of person who’ll suggest to go skydiving and then in the plane, relentlessly tries to convince you to replace your chute with “this really cool Superman costume.”

Nicolas Cage debuted his new receding surfer hair while promoting The Sorcerer’s Apprentice at WonderCon in San Francisco. Nic explained, “I’m doing a movie called Drive Angry and I’m trying to tap into my Celtic roots, so I dyed it blond.” Similarly, I’m trying to tap into this sexy redhead which is why I dyed my hair red.

Nic Cage looks more like he’s about to do a Hulk Hogan biopic in these pictures. He should have came out to “I Am A Real American” and ripped his shirt in half.

[Fame]

Back in the 90′s, Nic Cage was attached to play Superman in Tim Burton’s version of the film in which Superman dies. After spending an insane amount of money on it, the studios decided to dump the project.

Fast forward to today. This photo making the rounds on the internets today is supposedly the costume test Cage did for the movie. It looks fake, like someone shopped his head onto a toy, and it probably is, but can we all just point and laugh anyway at how much he looks like a stoner surfer on Halloween? It’ll make me feel a lot better about myself.

Back in the day, Nicolas Cage was a cool actor starring in films like Face/Off and Con Air. These days he can barely put asses in seats. After National Treasure, his career took a nosedive for whatever reason.

Things aren’t getting better either. According to the IRS, Nicolas Cage owes $6.2 million in unpaid taxes from 2007. That year he had the pleasure of being in Ghost Rider and Grindhouse. He’s planning to raise the money by selling off his homes in Louisiana and Hollywood.

The bright side in all this is his upcoming film Kick-Ass is supposed to be awesome. The downside is that Ghost Rider 2 is still in development. That’s like escaping a burning building only to shoot yourself in the face the next day.

A few days ago while filming a chase scene involving a Ferrari and a Mercedes for Nic Cage’s new film The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, the driver of the Ferrari lost control, hopped a curb and crashed into a Sbarro’s injuring two people.

Yesterday, nine more people including crew members suffered minor injuries from another car accident near the Times Square set. This time a SUV unrelated to the film hit a parked car near the movie set.

The SUV’s driver told reporters she tried to avoid hitting a taxi cab and instead struck a parked car. Both vehicles jumped the curb where some crew members were sitting under a marquee. It’s unclear how many crew members were among the injured.

This is what happens when people try to make a movie based on the poem that inspired Fantasia and throw in Ferrari car chases. The guy who wrote it had to do more than just roll over in his grave. He had to haunt the set.

Another angle of the original crash.

Robert Dennis Furo, 45, is accused of breaking into Nicolas Cage’s home and standing naked in a bathroom doorway wearing only Cage’s leather jacket. The actor was upstairs with his wife and son at the time of the incident.

The guard called police, and when officers arrived Cage had already asked the man to take off the jacket and escorted him outside “without struggle,” Fox said.

Why, if I had a nickel for every time a guy stood naked in my bathroom doorway wearing only my jacket, I’d be a millionaire or at least a hundred-aire. The one thing I’ve taken away from my horrible experiences of late night bathroom usage is to choose your roommates wisely and maybe ask him to shave once in a while. It’s the polite thing to do.

It’s my birthday Saturday so I’ll be in Vegas over the weekend until Monday. Maybe you’ll see new posts Monday and maybe you won’t. Maybe I’ll come back a millionaire or maybe I’ll come back with two broken legs. The only thing we know for sure is I lead a life of mystery and intrigue.

• Lindsay Lohan shows her belly. [The Skinny Website]
• Nelly Furtado will guest star on CSI:NY. [I'm Not Obsessed]
• Nicolas Cage is quite the looker. [ICYDK]
• Sienna Miller is into older men. [Popsugar]
• No lesbian sex for Penelope Cruz. [Ninjadude]
• David Arquette Blames Angelina for Brad and Jenn’s Break-up. [A Socialite's Life]
• Hilary Swank never actually graduated from college. [Celebslam]
• Tara Reid swims with dolphins. [Celebrity Smack]
• Jessica Biel’s butt is nice. [CityRag]
• Nipply Michelle Monaghan. [Bastardly]
• 50 Cent makes condoms too. [Evil Beet]
• Yvonne Decarlo from the Munsters died. [Popbytes]