A lady in the sense that she’s wearing underwear. Nicole Kidman had a little trouble keeping her panties out of sight while getting out of a car for a photocall in Cannes. This coupled with the premiere of that movie where she pees on Zac Efron could make this her best year yet!

The Cannes Film Festival always has a bunch of weird films. It’s pretty hard to find just one to highlight. The Paperboy starring Zac Efron, Matthew McConaughey, John Cusack and Nicole Kidman might just make the cut.

The Paperboy is about two brothers, Efron and McConaughey, investigating whether or not Cusack really committed a murder. Vulture has more detailed description.

One of the more important takeaways from Vulture’s rundown is that Nicole Kidman’s character might be sexually insane. She’s so fixated on Cusack’s character that the first time she meets him she has an explosive orgasm.

Later on in the movie, Zac is stung by jellyfish and drags himself to shore. Kidman pushes her way through a bunch of girls to get to him and shouts, “If anyone’s gonna pee on him, it’s gonna be me,” and blasts a stream of pee onto his face and chest thereby making this an Oscar contender for 2012. In fact, just give her that little gold statue now.

Here’s Nicole Kidman entering into social media for the first time by way of a YouTube video thanking her fans. The video is, er, interesting in its awkwardness. Echoing Salon’s sentiments, some celebrities should just stay off YouTube and Twitter. Or at least do a couple of dry runs before releasing it onto the net. Sitting alone on the cold, dark set of Hemingway & Gellhorn doesn’t quite make her come off as personable.

It’s nice that Nicole is trying though but it feels like she’s sitting slightly to the right because she doesn’t want people to see the guy pointing the gun to her head forcing her to do this.

I haven’t heard anything about Just Go With It until now so I can’t tell you what it’s about but apparently Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler are in it. They showed up at the premiere on Tuesday and it looked boring as hell. I’d rather have gone to the Justin Bieber Never Say Never premiere. At least there I’d get to see Taylor Momsen be all slutty.

What’s wrong, Jennifer and Nicole? Too classy to wear a leather corset and let your ass hang out? Pssh. Pssh, I say.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban revealed on Monday that they have a new baby girl named Faith Margaret Kidman via surrogate. Oh, I’m sorry, “gestational carrier”. Is that the PC way of saying it? Because it makes it sound like they’re a kangaroo.

Born Dec. 28, Nicole and Keith managed to keep it a secret until they released their statement. They’re either good at keeping their mouths shut or no one cares. From PEOPLE,

“Our family is truly blessed, and just so thankful, to have been given the gift of baby Faith Margaret,” the family says in a statement. “No words can adequately convey the incredible gratitude that we feel for everyone who was so supportive throughout this process, in particular our gestational carrier.”

Nicole gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose in July 2008 while she and ex-husband Tom Cruise adopted two children during their marriage, Isabella and Connor.

I don’t blame her for having another kid. Once they get to a certain age, they’re not cute anymore. This is one of those out with the old, in with the new type of deals, isn’t it?

Nicole Kidman has long denied using Botox insisting that her mannequin-like forehead is all natural. Everybody knew she was lying, of course, but we humored her anyway. Much like when that retarded kid tells you he can hit a home run. Sure you can, kid. And I’m the queen of England.

Now, in a German magazine interview, Nicole admits that she did used to get Botox injections but has since stopped because she didn’t like the results.

‘I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help,’ she replied. ‘I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore – and I can move my forehead again.’

If you forgot, her face looked like a taut, unnatural mess. There was so much Botox in there that a cow could have grown out of her face.

Before she started injecting her face with sausage poison, her lips with silicone and dyed her hair blonde, Nicole Kidman used to be hot. Thankfully, she’s back to being a redhead and stopped with the injections. Two steps in the right direction. Now if only she could turn back time to get back those six years she spent insulting my wiener by looking fug.

Here’s Nicole at the HFPA Annual Installation Lucheon at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills.

[Bauer]

Either Nicole Kidman is going to beat her make-up artist like a red-headed stepchild when she finds them or she’s finally decaying after plastic surgery has finally failed to hold her face together.

Kate Hudson almost fell out of her top at the American Music Awards last night. It could have been a potential Janet Jackson-esque disaster if it wasn’t for the fact Kate Hudson’s chest resembles that of a 10-year-old boy’s. If you think about it, it’s impressive that this is the first time this has happened. Other females keep their dresses up with their amazing racks and a little bit of tape. Kate needs a little bit of tape, super glue and a nail gun.

Don’t get me started on Nicole Kidman either. She looks like a robot after all that plastic surgery. The Japanese make women who look more real than her.

These days, Nicole Kidman is hellbent on turning herself into a plastic marionette. Suffice to say, this story would have been much hotter back when she was doing movies like To Die For. Now, it’s sort of like listening to your grandmother talk about how she used to be a real slut back in the day.

Kidman talked to Gay Quarterly, sorry, GQ, and teased that her experiences of love ranged from “mundane” marriage to “strange sexual fetish” stuff.

‘I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

But while she confessed she had previously experienced the ‘mundane’ side of relationships, she described her present marriage as ‘raw’ and ‘dangerous’.

‘You work on it,’ she said. ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea. You’re exposed. You could drown.

Naturally, Kidman doesn’t expound upon these strange fetishes because that’d make her far too interesting. But considering she was married to Tom Cruise for 10 years, it probably involves Keith Urban not wanting to be sodomized by a 10-inch dildo during sex. That guy is such a freak.

Nicole Kidman appeared before the US Congress in her role as UN ambassador and sort of condemned Hollywood for contributing to violence against women by portraying them as weak sex objects. In all fairness, she also said Hollywood was contributing to the solution.

When asked by Republican representative Dana Rohrabacher whether the film industry “played a bad role” in the way it portrayed women, Kidman replied “Probably”, before going on to say that she refused to take roles that portrayed women as weak sex objects. “I can’t be responsible for all of Hollywood, but I can certainly be responsible for my own career.”

Nicole should also blame Hollywood for placing too much emphasis on youth and beauty thereby forcing aging actresses to inject their faces with Botox. I think it would have been a powerful statement if after Nicole said that, she pointed to her waxy, unwrinkled, paralyzed face and shouted, “Look at me! Look at what they’ve done to me! I’m a monster! A monster!”

Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali, 9, just became the youngest person to have an autobiography (written by someone else). Her 192-page memoir, “Slumgirl Dreaming: Journey to the Stars,” spends 24 pages talking about her life in Mumbai before she became a big star for a couple weeks and went back to Mumbai only to have her house demolished.

She also writes about Nicole Kidman who she starred in a recent commercial with. Rubina calls Nicole “strange.” She probably doesn’t know about the words “ghastly” and “creepy” yet. Anyway, Nicole reportedly stayed in her trailer for most of the shoot in fear that the sun may damage her skin. Redheads are sort of like vampires in that way.

So how’s the little child actor doing now? Just great. Really great. She was paid three times her paycheck from Slumdog Millionaire to shoot a 3 day commercial. So she has a whole $21! Exciting. You’ll also be happy to know she has great hygiene. “Instead of using the public space by the railroad tracks as a restroom, Ali now walks a long distance to find a pay-for-use toilet.” You see? This little bitch Rubina has it made. She’s out there in these fancy restrooms and here I am using my own sink and my own shower like a sucker. [NYDN]

Marley & Me over Bride Wars: I guess people like dogs.

Patrick Swayze is in the hospital: Not only does Swayze have pancreatic cancer, he now has pneumonia, possibly due to a change in his chemotherapy regime. He’ll be in the hospital the next few days for observation. Swayze recently commented that he may not even have five years left. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is walking around as the picture of health. Life is fair.

Dexter married his sister: Michael C. Hall eloped on NYE with his Dexter co-star, Jennifer Carpenter, who plays his sister on the show. What are the chances viewers are going to pick up on the sexual chemistry between these two. This is gonna be awkward.

Nicole Kidman thinks her movie sucks too: Speaking to the Sydney Herald, Nicole Kidman admits she’s not very proud of her performance in her latest epic, Australia. Specifically, Nicole says, “I can’t look at this movie and be proud of what I’ve done. I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, ‘Am I any good in this movie?’ ” The person who interviewed Nicole said it was the strangest thing ever. Even though she sounded depressed, she had a permanent smile on her face.