A new report by The National Enquirer, who, let’s face it, is a bastion of truth, says O.J. Simpson bragged to friends that he is Khloe Kardsahian’s father. Kim Kardashian got all sarcastic about it tweeting, “Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan!”

‘O.J. told me Khloe’s his child,’ a source is quoted as telling the publication.
They allege that Khloe’s mother Kris Jenner had several trysts with O.J. around the time Khloe was conceived.
They also point out the similarities Khloe shares with O.J.’s 26-year-old daughter Sydney.
Robert and Kris were friends with O.J. before the late Hollywood legal eagle helped get the sportsman off for the double murder charges of his wife Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman in 1995.
The National Enquirer claim that Kris had an affair with O.J. years earlier in 1983, and shortly after fell pregnant with Khloe.
‘It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss,’ the source told the tabloid.
‘And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived.’ Daily Mail

Look, we can sit here all day comparing Khloe Kardashian to men and speculate whose well-defined chin hers most resembles… so let’s do that because implying Khloe Kardashian looks like a dude never gets old.

Contrary to previous reports, O.J. Simpson wasn’t beaten unconscious by an enraged white supremacist.

In fact, when guards pulled Simpson out of his cell to tell him about the rumors, he “laughed his ass off.” An official rep for the prison tells TMZ, there have been “no incidents regarding O.J. in any shape or form.”

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but maybe you can still take solace in the fact that his prison food is only marginally better than your regular food.

The Enquirer reports that O.J. Simpson, 63, who’s doing nine years in Nevada’s Locelock Correction Center for armed robbery, was beaten senseless in the prison yard by a white supremacist.

The incident started when a group of skinheads overheard O.J. bragging about nailing beautiful white women and you know how much skinheads hate that.

Inmates cheered as a muscular young skinhead knocked him to the ground, punching and kicking him to a bloody pulp and inflicting injuries so severe he secretly spent nearly three weeks in the infirmary before he recovered.

Simpson has become so depressed that he’s afraid to leave his cell. Officials from the prison haven’t responded.

He should do what I did and start secretly training in his cell until one day he defeats his attackers in an unsanctioned no holds barred prison tournament organized by the warden, his success turning him into an unwilling hero who eventually earns his release. Wait, was that me or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Whatever the case, at least he didn’t get raped. Silver lining and all that.

O.J. Simpson was given 15 years in prison for kidnapping and armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers in a Palace Station Hotel room in Vegas. He will be eligible for parole in 6 years. During the sentencing, O.J. whined:

“I just wanted my personal things. I was stupid. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was doing anything illegal. I thought I was confronting friends. I thought I was retrieving my things. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody and I didn’t mean to steal anything.”

Here’s some words of advice for The Juice. One: Where you’re going, apologizing like that is a sign of weakness. You might not want to do that. Two: Remember to relax your ass cheeks before Big Bob shanks your butt with his penis. It’ll hurt a lot less.

A long time coming, O.J. Simpson may spend life in prison after being convicted of conspiracy, burglary, kidnapping, robbery and assault. Jurors were convinced that Simpson and five accomplices robbed two sports memorabilia dealers at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino last September. The defense said O.J. was only trying to steal back personal items and that he didn’t know two of his people were armed. Suffice to say, jurors didn’t buy it. O.J. faces a minimum of five years and at most life in prison.

Simpson’s lead attorney, Yale Galanter, said he would appeal the conviction, which came after some 13 hours of deliberation in a single day by the jury of nine women and three men.

Galanter said Simpson’s past as a notorious murder defendant, widely seen as having eluded justice in Los Angeles, was a factor in the swift verdict reached by the Las Vegas jurors.

Amazingly, the verdict came on the 13th anniversary of his acquittal. Poetic justice some might say. Others, those not great with words, might simply point at O.J. Simpson and laugh, “Ha ha,” Nelson Muntz style.

O.J. Simpson convicted, jailed in Las Vegas [Yahoo]

Last season, Piers Morgan, a relative unknown, won The Celebrity Apprentice barely beating out lovable country music star Trace Adkins. OJ Simpson, sensing that the time was nigh, is now petitioning Donald Trump to put him on next season’s The Celebrity Apprentice. According to Page Six, “Simpson really wants to do it. Trump and NBC are thinking about it, but are being very cautious,” our source said. “There’s a certain amount of heat associated with Simpson.”

If I was OJ, here’s what I’d do to win. Every task, I will make at least one stabbing joke. During the project or boardroom whenever one of the other contestants complains or displeases me in any way, I’d give them a mean look and do the throat slitting motion with my finger and point in their direction to make sure they know that message was specifically for them. I’d also constantly stab at my food. Angrily. And if none of that works, I’d shank them while they slept because it’s not like I got in trouble for it the first time.

OJ Simpson was arrested on $78,000 bail yesterday on robbery and assault charges after he and several men carrying firearms stole sports memorabilia from a hotel room. It is unclear whether OJ himself carried a gun. OJ claims that he did nothing wrong and was merely taking back stuff that was stolen from him which is odd because a pair of Joe Montana cleats were also stolen. TMZ has audio of the incident here.

Simpson, 60, was taken into custody at the Palms hotel just off the Las Vegas strip on Sunday morning without incident and booked on suspicion of armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy and burglary, Las Vegas police said. If convicted on all charges, Simpson could face some three decades in behind bars.

OJ stands to do a lot of time if convicted. In spite of that, he seems really jovial. You would too if you got away with murdering two people and now you had to stand trial for a simple robbery. That’s like having to climb a jungle gym after climbing Mt. Everest. The only hard part is pushing the little kids off. Some of them just won’t let go no matter how hard you step on their fingers.

OJ Simpson put himself back in the news after he and five men allegedly robbed a man at gun point in his hotel room.

It happened at the Palace Station Hotel last night at around 7:15. Alfred Beardsley, a memorabilia dealer, had secured various items once owned by Simpson. Beardsley has said he had the suit OJ wore the day he was acquitted of murder.

Beardsley tells TMZ he had arranged to meet with someone last night who was interested in buying the suit and other Simpson memorabilia. Beardsley says the man was actually a member of Simpson’s crew. He says the men stormed the room, two of them with guns drawn.

Beardsley says the men claimed to be police officers. OJ and others demanded that Beardsley and two other men surrender their cell phones. Beardsley refused to do so. Beardsley says the group stole every piece of memorabilia in the room, including items signed by Joe Montana. They also took a case of never-released leather editions of Simpson’s book, “I Want to Tell You.”

OJ Simpson is shocked at these allegations. He says it wasn’t a break-in,

“Everybody knows this is stolen stuff,” Simpson said. “Not only wasn’t there a break-in, but Riccio came to the lobby and escorted us up to the room. In any event, it’s stolen stuff that’s mine. Nobody was roughed up.”

Investigators were reviewing a complaint of a break-in at the hotel late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said.

“When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that he believed the memorabilia was his,” Montoya said. “We’re getting conflicting stories from the two sides.”

A kid stole my juice box once and I just sat there and cried. 10 years later, I ruined his life by registering him as a sex offender. My point being that, if your things were really stolen, either call the police or deal with it like a mature adult and move on. Like me.

O.J. Simpson doesn’t care what’s been said in the press about his book because he still got paid. Simpson tells a Florida newspaper he hoped the book would never come out.

“It made it look too much like an admission of guilt,” Simpson said to the Palm Beach Post. “I wasn’t happy with the hypothetical paragraphs. A ghostwriter wrote the whole thing, and I OK’d it. But there were a lot of inaccuracies about the case and about how I would have done things. But I figure I’d let it go since I didn’t kill anyone.”

I’m going to get O.J. a Burger King crown and scepter for being a prince among men. It’s not often you read about someone with such high moral standards. If Mother Theresa were alive, she’d trek across the Mojave desert just to ask O.J. for advice. I can save her some time. The answer is “Bleach. Lots and lots of bleach.”

I watched Beauty and Geek yesterday. I was pretty disappointed since I thought beauty meant something along the lines of hot, but I found out in tv world it means ugly and annoying. There were possibly two attractive girls, some average girls, one girl who looked like Brooke Hogan and another was so wholly unattractive and peppy that putting a stun gun to her thorax would be too good for her.

• Tyra Banks discusses poop. This clip reminded me why I don’t watch daytime tv. [BWE]
• Paris Hilton attempts the toughest illusion of all. Cleavage. Copperfield would be proud. [Celebrity Smack]
• Perfume: The Story of Murder. Meh? [Pajiba]
• O.J. Simpson was jealous and paranoid. [Celebitchy]
• Drew Barrymore is single. Well lord have mercy. [Evil Beet]
• The Rosie-Barbara-Trump thing is still going on? [A Socialite's Life]
• Heather Graham at a pre-screening. Fact: Did you know she plays a sex shop worker/lesbian in The Oh in Ohio? [ICYDK]
• Idiot Nicole Richie being entertained by idiot Joel Madden at the idiot beach on some idiot rocks. [Popsugar]

Sheesh the site was slow yesterday. I’ll be moving hosts soon, very soon. Probably during Christmas when the only people visiting this site are drunk and choking on their own vomit.

1. Larry King loves Christmas. Yes! We found the real Scrooge. [CityRag]
2. The Shrek 3 trailer is…um. Is this series still going on? [Celebitchy]
3. Lindsay Lohan won’t be back on Oprah? Who invited her in the first place? [The Evil Beet]
4. Ron Goldman’s father is suing O.J. Simpson. Luckily O.J. is still a millionaire because of his untouchable pension. [Gawker]
5. John Travolta is fat, but not phat. [Celebslam]
6. Heather Graham isn’t what she used to be. [Celebrity Smack]
7. The Pursuit of Happiness may be worth watching. [Pajiba]
8. Adriana Lima vs. Kelly Brook. I vote Kelly Brook all the way. [The Bastardly]

O.J. Simpson has conducted an unrestricted interview with Fox in which he discusses how he would hypothetically kill his ex-wife and friend. The interview, which will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, is just a look into how low Simpson has sunk after he was acquitted in 1996. On Nov. 30, his book “If I Did It” will go on sale and has the full story of his hypothetical murder.

This is lame. I can hypothetically do a lot of things. The one thing I can’t do is hypothetically explain how I would have murdered someone in vast detail without being a forensic scientist or smart. O.J. is neither. His job was to run around a field carrying a piece of leather not conduct tests on uranium. If you click that link you can see a mini trailer for the interview where he says he has never seen so much blood in his life and later it cuts to this thespian crying his crocodile tears. I’ve seen better acting in Naked Gun.

The National Enquirer is reporting O.J. Simpson has been paid $3.5 million for a hypothetical book detailing his relationship with Nicole and the murder of her and Goldman in great detail.

In the book, “he describes how he grabbed a knife from a man who accompanied him to Nicole’s home — and moments later found himself covered in blood and looking down on the bodies of Nicole and Ron,” said the source.

But O.J. insists the murder part is just hypothetical. Like me claiming I’m going to hire someone to punch Paris Hilton in the face with a toaster at 2:30 pm this afternoon. That’s if I were to do it, but I don’t have that kind of money right now. In any case, I’ll just buy the book and give O.J. my money. Hypothetically.

I didn’t have the patience to find a picture of O.J. so I put up Pamela Anderson. In their own way, they’re both kind of whorish.