At one point, Mel Gibson’s ex, Oksana Grigorieva, had a $15 million settlement in her hands. But Oksana wanted to play with the big girls so she decided to hold out for more.

Sadly for her, like Icarus, she flew too close to the sun that is Mel Gibson’s pocketbook and raging hard-on. An agreement was reached yesterday as part of their custody settlement. According to the terms, Oksana will only get $750,000 from Mel. Over five years. Bwahahaha.

The settlement will be paid in three installments of $250,000. The first was made when the deal was signed, the second on Sep. 15, 2013 and the third on Jan. 1, 2016.

Not only that, but originally, Oksana wanted full custody of their daughter Lucia. After yesterday’s ruling, she’ll have joint legal and physical custody of Lucia. The judge also said the house she and Lucia are living in now will be sold when Lucia turns 18 and the money put in a trust for Lucia.

Of course, another condition is neither couple can speak publicly about Oksana not blowing Mel before the hot tub.

Oksana supposedly said, “Thanks to the judge for the tremendous help to resolve this matter.” What she really wanted to do was drop to her knees, shake her designer purse at the heavens and scream, “Why has god forsaken me?!”

Mel Gibson won’t receive jail time after striking a plea deal in his criminal case. Mel will appear in court Friday to plead no contest to simple battery in his case with Oksana Grigorieva.

Instead of jail time, he’ll have to go to counseling. Because that obviously works so well. Supposedly, Mel decided to plea because he didn’t want to put a strain on his family and children from the prolonged court case.

Blair Berk, released the following statement to TMZ: “I know from almost 20 years as a criminal defense lawyer that sometimes justice can come for a client at too high a personal price. That is particularly so for Mel, whose right to due process can only be exercised in this case with an enormous media circus attached.”

Berk goes on, “Mel’s priority throughout all of this has been that the best interests of his young daughter Lucia and the rest of his children be put first in any decisions made. It is with only that in mind that he asked me to approach the District Attorney with a proposal that would bring all of this to an immediate end.”

What they’re saying is you can threaten to bury your girlfriend in your rose garden if she doesn’t blow you first before going to the hot tub in hundreds of voicemails and all you have to do is go to counseling? Excuse me. I have to make a few calls. Yes, operator. Please connect me to my third grade teacher who gave me an F. I have a rose garden with her name on it.

Oksana Grigorieva, Mel Gibson’s ex, is trying to keep the spotlight on her custody case by introducing new allegations that she never mentioned during her multiple interviews with the LA County Sheriff’s Department.

In her deposition on Tuesday, Oksana testified that Mel had performance problems and could only get aroused by beating her.

Oksana’s plan is ingenious. Even if she doesn’t win her case, she’ll make sure no woman ever sleeps with him. Not only would Mel be constantly shouting at you during sex and sweating profusely but instead of Viagra, he’d be punching you in the face. I may not know a lot about women but I assume that would be a turnoff.

Early on in the Mel Gibson/Oksana Grigorieva saga, Oksana submitted pictures of their baby, Lucia, who she claims Mel accidentally hit, drawing blood. The picture she had supposedly showed a small abrasion on the chin. It looked more like a pimple though.

TMZ obtained a video of Lucia shot three days after the incident between Mel and Oksana which Mel hopes proves Oksana is a liar and that she doctored the photos. The stills from the video show nothing at all on her chin. Even when Oksana took Lucia to the pediatrician, they made no mention of any injuries.

So what does this prove? That Oksana and Mel know how to drag out a scandal. This thing feels like it’s been going on for half a year. If this doesn’t end soon, I’m going to have to hit the baby myself.

In a sworn declaration obtained by TMZ, Mel Gibson admits to slapping Oksana Grigorieva but only because she was shaking the baby around and he feared for her safety.

During their argument on January 6, 2010, Oksana alleges Mel punched her in the temple and mouth, knocking out two of her teeth. According to Mel, however, during the argument, Oksana grabbed baby Lucia out of the bassinet and screamed, “Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!” Which, if this is made up, is a pretty accurate imitation of how Oksana’s speaks.

Oksana ran into her older son’s room and then out into the backyard. Mel says the yard is set on different levels and dimly lit making it a hazardous place to run at night. He says Oksana ran about 75 yards near thorny trees. Mel should have added that 25 more and she would have ran for a touchdown and might have spiked the baby.

Anyway, Mel begged her to bring Lucia inside and Oksana ran back into her older son’s room. She “started swinging Lucia erratically in her arms, jerking her body from side to side to keep Lucia out of my reach.”

Oksana was “hysterical” and her “rapid movements were causing Lucia’s little body to be flung from one side to the other, her head shaking violently.” Mel, fearing Shaken Baby Syndrome, slapped Oksana with an open hand to “bring her back to reality.” Mel says he didn’t slap her hard, just hard enough so she would stop screaming and shaking the baby.

In retrospect, maybe pushing a baby in front of Mel’s face and telling him he’s going to make it retarded while shaking it around wasn’t a good way to stop an argument. Hindsight is 20/20, you know.

Oksana Grigorieva claims Mel Gibson was cheating on her with at least four women during their relationship and now she wants to find out if they were ever told to blow Mel before getting in the jacuzzi.

As part of her plan to prove Mel is too violent to be around their daughter, Oksana wants to find out if Mel ever attacked them. Oksana’s attorney, Dan Horowitz, has hired a crack team of investigators to track down these women and have them come forward to admit Mel was violent towards them. Oksana’s lawyer even provided a soundtrack with the song “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places,” to keep the investigator motivated. No joke. Horowitz said this to TMZ.

Clearly Oksana’s attorney is insane. Next thing you know Horowitz is going to tell TMZ he ordered stuff from ACME Industries like Wil E. Coyote to aid the investigator. If the guy slams into a wall while running around town in rocket powered roller skates, Oksana might as well wrap that baby in a neat little bow and deliver her to Mel personally.

Sadly, we won’t be seeing how stupid Oksana Grigorieva’s tits look because she just turned down a $75,000 offer to pose fully nude for Playboy. Her PR guy told TMZ, “Not now, not ever, nor for any amount of money, would our client, Oksana Grigorieva, even consider any offer to pose for Playboy. Someone might have sent an email to one of her representatives but that’s not news.” I mean, what do you take her for? An opportunist?

Plus, Oksana already gets $20,000 a month in child support, more than enough to live comfortably without needing to show off her bladder sacs. This attention whore has standards, you know.

Contrary to earlier reports, Oksana Grigorieva will not sit down with Oprah and talk about her stupid fake chest bladders. Due to her currently ongoing custody case against Mel, the judge put a gag order on both of them.

When her lawyers found out about the appearance, they shook their finger at her and hit her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. However, Oksana still managed to sneak in an interview with PEOPLE magazine violating the seal and pissing off her lawyers. The PEOPLE interview wasn’t even interesting. Just more of the same.

“I thought he would kill me,” says Grigorieva. (Gibson, who declined to comment for this story, has disputed her account and a source close to him has said he intervened when she was shaking the baby.)

The Russian-born musician says Gibson often flew into jealous rages, talked about suicide and once brandished a gun in front of her.

She also discusses why she decided to tape Gibson’s angry phone calls. “I needed to document his threats,” says Grigorieva, who denies she leaked the tapes. She also refutes Gibson’s claim that she used the tapes to extort him.

“I’m not angry at him,” she says. “For the sake of Lucia, I really want him to be well. He has to have the courage to be responsible for what he’s done.”

In Mel’s defense, it’s really frustrating when your girlfriend won’t blow you first and say thank you. Why, if I had a nickel…

Mel Gibson’s ex with the stupid fake tits scored an extra $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in her child custody case increased her monthly stipend to $20,000 a month. Oksana’s lawyers originally wanted $60,000 a month.

This may sound like a lot for an 11-month-old baby but don’t you worry, not all of the money is going towards that dumb kids medical costs, food, clothing and gas. Sources say a lot of it is going towards the $100,000 debt Oksana racked up in legal fees, PR costs, etc that she used to destroy Mel’s reputation. Thank god she doesn’t have to pay for that herself. Oh and not to mention round-the-clock security for her 11-month-old. You know, in case an assassin tries to take baby Lucia out like Martin Luther King, Jr.

Not only that, but simply put, they, meaning Oksana, became accustomed to the Mel Gibson’s lifestyle. Although if that were true, Mel would get to stand over Oksana yelling about her dumb, fake bladder tits and for her to “suck my cock and say you’re sorry. In that order.”

(In best Oprah yell) Someone needs mooooooneeeeey! Us reports that Oksana Grigorieva, who still refuses to blow Mel Gibson first, will talk with Oprah about her relationship with the actor. Oprah beat out 60 Minutes for the coveted interview. No word on whether or not Oksana’s breasts will look stuuuupid during the interview or if she’ll be parading around like a Vegas whore.

Not only does Oksana Grigorieva want $40,000 a month in child support, she also wants Mel Gibson to pay for all her PR expenses. Oksana, who’s spent $84,000 in PR and legal fees, is asking the judge to clear the debt.

We’re told Oksana racked up $84,000 in PR expenses and certain unpaid legal fees. As for the PR fees, our sources say Oksana felt hiring PR reps was the only way counter someone as big and powerful as Mel Gibson. Oksana — who insists she didn’t sell the tapes — felt she was getting trashed in the media.

Well it just makes sense that Mel has to pay to trash himself in the media. He wants a fair fight, right? This is like me challenging Lebron James to a 1 on 1 game and forcing him to shoot all my shots.

Mel Gibson’s ex, Oksana Grigorieva, is asking the judge to increase her child support for their 9-month-old from $5,000 a month to more than $40,000. This is in addition to paying for their Sherman Oaks house. By contrast, Timothy Dalton, who Oksana has a 13-year-old son with, only pays $2,500 a month in child support.

One source scoffed, “Lifestyle is not an issue for a 9-month-old. Think she knows the difference between a Ford and a Bentley?”

What the hell is she buying this kid? Gilded diapers and pureed Panda? No baby needs $40,000 a month to survive. They don’t even need $5,000 a month. Just give them a cardboard box to play with and they’ll be happy for an entire year. They say the judge hasn’t made a decision yet. Probably because he’s not done laughing.

Police are meeting with Oksana Grigorieva’s former lawyer to determine whether or not Oksana said anything inconsistent or incriminating during her mediation with Mel Gibson. The one where they agreed to a $15 million settlement that ended up not happening for whatever reason. Some think Oksana wanted to hold out for more money. Now investigators want to see if this is true.

Our law enforcement sources say investigators are particularly interested in what Oksana is reportedly claiming now, but failed to claim during the mediation, notably:

- During the mediation she never expressed any concern that Mel was a threat to baby Lucia
- During the mediation she never said that Mel threatened to kill her, Alexander, Lucia, and himself
- During the mediation she never made any mention nor produced any photo of a black eye

We’re also told investigators are interested in any information related to the 2 text messages Oksana sent Mel during the mediation — saying she taped his phone calls because he was not taking care of her. Mel’s people claim they have hard proof Oksana left a trail of evidence showing she was holding the tapes over Mel’s head for a price.

Of course this was about money. No person would be so hurt and in fear for their lives that they’ll sell Radar enough material to run once a day every day for a whole month before going to the cops. The way she makes Mel look, I’d be halfway around the country by now living under an assumed name and waiting for my sexual reassignment surgery.