The final episode of Oprah aired today and, unlike what Oprah said, it was way more bitter than sweet. At least if you were one of the audience members clamoring for tickets to the two part show. That’s because Oprah wasn’t giving out cars or vacations, just “quiet reflection.” Aw, crap. It’s like graduation all over again. From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Your real job in life is to figure out what your calling is, and then do it.

“You can help somebody, you can listen, you can forgive, you can heal, you have the power to change someone’s life. Start embracing the life that is calling you, and use your life to serve the world.”

Take responsibility for your life. “You are responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.”

You don’t have to depend on anyone else. “‘Jerry Maguire’ was just a movie. No one completes you.”

There is a common thread that runs through all our pain and suffering: the feeling of unworthiness. “We block our own blessings because we don’t feel worthy enough. You’re worthy because you are born and because you’re here. Your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”

Everyone wants validation. “They want to know, Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?”

Pay it forward. “Be that safe harbor for somebody else. Connect, embrace, liberate, love somebody, just one person, then spread that to two, then as many as you can. You’ll see the difference it makes.”

You can imagine how disappointed some of the people there were. They were probably expecting something big for her final show and even practiced their surprised face in the mirror the night before. Went something like this: o_0 I bet a few were still checking under the seats while the janitor turned off the lights at the United Center like a junkie searching for leftover crack rock.

Last time Oprah gave each of her audience members a Pontiac, they had to pay a $7,000 gift tax. Turns out people weren’t too happy paying $7,000 for something they never asked for. She’s hoping to keep people from hating her for leaving them with a hefty gift tax again this time by paying all the taxes for the Australia trip.

To avoid the messy fallout from her 2004 giveaway, Winfrey reportedly had a certified public accountant on hand after Monday’s 25th and final season premiere (which actually taped last week), informing the future travelers that the Oprah show would, quite unlike the last time, be paying every last cent of tax, excess fines, baggage costs, passport fees and pretty much any other unexpected expense the vacation may have in store for the audience.

If I was Oprah, I’d tell them to screw themselves and then I’d let out a maniacal laugh. Basically what I do anytime someone asks me for money. I guess this is why bums throw bottles of urine at me.

Kirstie Alley has been going on and on about her crush on Jaime Foxx and telling the world how she wants him to be her booty call. In an interview with Oprah to air Thursday, Alley admits “I haven’t been having sex. I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx. For real. I’ve always had a bit of a thing for him.”

Because this is Oprah, overweight people’s dreams are made into reality which is how Jamie Foxx ended up in front of Kirstie via closed-circuit TV. Foxx said to Kirstie, “Kiristie… with Oprah’s permission, I”ll be your boot call.”

Desperate, horny, fat and possibly hungry is never a good combination. Jamie just signed his death warrant. Luckily Jamie didn’t appear in person and escaped being raped and devoured because he smelled like that bacon sandwich he’d eaten earlier.

My god, she tried to eat the TV! And why did Jamie look disgusted when he told Kirstie she looked fine the way she is.

[Images: Bauer-Griffin.]

Jay Leno sat down with Oprah Winfrey and Oprah was disappointed. Oprah basically said America hates Jay and thinks he’s a selfish asshole who screwed Conan O’Brien out of the Tonight Show gig. Jay’s response was that it all comes down to numbers and that neither Conan nor Jay had them. What Jay glossed over was the fact that he was giving Conan a crappy lead-in unlike the much better news lead-in he had. One could even argue Jay sabotaged Conan. Maybe he planned it all along. Jay seemed bitter at being forced into retirement. He also said he “thought” Conan was going to take the deal to move back half an hour later without even confirming with Conan.

Anyway, Jay comes off as a sneaky rat in the interview. The only way this could get worse is if when Oprah turned her back to get a glass of water, Jay pushed her over in her chair and took over the show. Part 2 & 3 under the cut.

Comedian Mo’Nique could win an Oscar for her performance in the much buzzed about Precious, a film backed by both Tyler Perry and Oprah. However, she probably won’t even win a free buffet if she keeps acting like a diva. Mo’Nique was slated to appear at the New York Film Festival to promote the film, but no-showed. She also no-showed at the Toronto Film Festival after being denied a $100,000 appearance fee.

In stark contrast, the films other stars, Mariah Carey and Gabby Sidibe, showed up for both. Although, Mariah was 30 minutes late, but whatever. The point is even Mariah Carey was smart enough to show up and she’s the type of diva that requires a bowl of purple M&M’s in her dressing room even though they don’t exist. Oh, but Mo’Nique won’t even show and wants her “glam squad” to fly first cast. She’s a big star now. Such a big star that not even Oprah could deflate her ego.

According to our snitch, exasperated studio chiefs suggested that executive producer Oprah Winfrey get involved to deflate Mo’Nique’s substantial ego, but even O couldn’t stop the actress from seeing green.

“Mo’Nique said she signed on to do this film for a small amount of money. She said she didn’t care about ‘no Oscar’ – all that mattered was ‘those Benjamins!’ Because Oprah and Tyler Perry are backing the film, she feels as though there should be a budget to pay for her promotional duties,” the source explains.

But the star’s attitude is starting to work against her. Winfrey and Tyler have reportedly instructed Lionsgate to put their promotional machine behind fellow stars Mariah Carey and Gabby Sidibe for the Oscar race.

Mo’Nique responded:

“When people say, ‘You care more about money than winning an Oscar,’ well, what does an Oscar mean? An Oscar means more work when you win it, and that means more money!” retorts Mo’Nique in response to the allegations. “I couldn’t eat that Oscar. Everybody needs money, baby. That’s how we survive, right?”

Surprise, surprise. Mo’Nique worked in something about eating the Oscar. I bet she’d be real happy to win that Oscar if it was made of pure chocolate. Her acceptance speech would probably consist of her shedding a single tear and biting the head off the statue.

[Image: Splash News]

Now that he’s conquered Larry King, Chris Brown wants to conquer Oprah Winfrey. He’s speaking out about the domestic violence episode Oprah did which was “dedicated to all the Rihanna’s of the world.” Brown said,

“I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face,” Brown told People. “I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could’ve been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’”

Whoa, calm down there Kanye. One source said Chris Brown is “done” and “whatever goodwill he had, he’s totally ruined it by saying that. What was he thinking? And who the hell goes up against Oprah? It just shows he doesn’t think. No one is going to want him as the face of their brand.”

Winfrey verbally bitch-slapped Brown by responding, “Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school, but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs.”

Brown’s not going to find a lot of sympathy. People don’t take kindly to beating defenseless women. Unless it’s paid for. Plus, you don’t go up against the all mighty Oprah without some fallout. Oprah will eat you. Both literally and metaphorically. By this time tomorrow, don’t be surprised to find Chris Brown in a dumpster foraging for food after Oprah takes away all his sponsors.

Page Six really goes after Oprah today. They write that despite recently expressing concern about her weight, Oprah “ate her way through the city” over the weekend.

The daytime queen brought a group of girls from her Leadership Academy in South Africa to town, and she didn’t watch her diet. Oprah and crew, including Gayle King, ate shrimp fajitas and potato skins at Planet Hollywood in Times Square Saturday night. On Sunday, the group went to Dylan’s Candy Bar on Third Avenue, where Oprah walked out with bags of Starbursts, Hershey Kisses and Malt Balls, according to a source. Later that day, everyone had more dessert at Serendipity 3.

More like Oprah ate the city. Amiright? Asked for comment, Oprah said she was doing it (eating everything) for the kids. When one of the kids she was doing it for ran past her with an ice cream cone, she said “gimme gimme gimme,” snatched the cone from their hand and swallowed it.

Back in 1998, Vogue magazine editor-in-chief Anna Wintour told Oprah Winfrey that she could stand to lose 20 pounds to be on the cover. The issue featuring Oprah eventually went on to become one of the most successful covers for Vogue. Wintour said,

“I’d just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses,” Wintour said. “There’s such an epidemic of obesity in the United States, and for some reason, everybody focuses on anorexia.”

She adds, “We need to spend money, time and education on teaching people to eat, exercise and take care of themselves in a healthier way. It [has gotten people] provoked, which is really the point.”

I agree. Fat people should be rounded up and chained to a treadmill, but I definitely wouldn’t say that to Oprah Winfrey’s face. There’s no way I would piss off the richest and most powerful person in the world. I don’t want to be stuffed into the back of a trunk and hunted for sport. Again.

In the January issue of O, Oprah Winfrey admits she’s “fallen off the wagon” and is mad at herself for ballooning to 200 lbs after slimming down to 160 lbs in 2006. Oprah admits to feeling like a fat cow and wanting to disappear. She also describes her low point when she clomped around town to find a gown for the Barack Obama inauguration in January. I’m assuming being too fat for dresses made her realize she wasn’t the obese person she thought she was, but actually a less obese person trapped in the body of an obese person. Poor Oprah.

To say Oprah has fallen off the wagon is an understatement. She’s actually broken the wagon. To get back on again, she’d need a Ford F-150 pickup but even then when the truck is gunning it, the wheels will be spinning into the dirt like it was stuck in mud.

If you look real close, you can see Satan propping himself up on Oprah’s shoulders.

Oprah has confessed to fans that she had a baby with an unknown father when she was only 14 after years of sexual abuse and promiscuity. The child was born premature and died shortly after birth, but Oprah felt the need to reveal her dark secret after one family member sold the story to the National Enquirer.

Man, she had a baby at 14 and it took her all this time to lose that baby weight? Sheesh. Talk about lazy. I couldn’t even imagine what sex with Oprah would be like. No really, I can’t. I told doctors to install a chip in my head to prevent these type of “fantasies.” I use that word very loosely. In related news, Oprah is number one on Forbes’ list of richest women entertainers. So by the time you read this, Oprah would have already instructed her robots to kill me and make it look like a suicide.

Oprah built a $40 million school complex in South Africa. When asked why she didn’t build it in the U.S., Oprah basically said American kids did not deserve it. The fatty explains,

“I became so frustrated with visiting inner-city schools that I just stopped going. The sense that you need to learn just isn’t there. If you ask the kids what they want or need, they will say an iPod or some sneakers. In South Africa, they don’t ask for money or toys. They ask for uniforms so they can go to school.”

Those damn materialistic Americans with their gadgets. So, what are some things these underprivileged South Africans can expect at the Oprah School for Poor Girls? A yoga studio and a beauty salon. Now they can be poor, bendy and pretty. This’ll probably help them when they’re swatting away flies from their bodies. They can use their feet too!

Tom Cruise has slapped Oprah in the face again by not inviting her to his post-wedding party this Saturday. The purpose being to celebrate with the people who couldn’t make it to his wedding. Couple this with being left off the guest list for the nuptials and I’m starting to get the feeling Tom Cruise doesn’t like her. When asked for comment Oprah said “I’m so hungry.”