True story. Before the show, Hugh Jackman told Oprah, “I would die for you, brother,” and Oprah said, “Okay, prove it.” Hence, this.

Oprah held her show at the Sydney Opera House on Tuesday with guest Hugh Jackman. Hugh was zip-lining in from the top sail of the Opera House but hit the brakes too late and injured his eye after running into a lighting rig. Medics rushed in but the injury was minor so they gave everyone the go-ahead to laugh at him.

Jackman made it clear that it was his fault and not the stunt team’s as he became distracted by the crowd. “I came down waving to everyone, looking over Sydney Harbor, saw my dad, the kids and you, went to pull the brake and then boing,” he explained to Winfrey. “Totally my bad.”

Who hasn’t become lost in the crowd as they zip-lined down at 15mph from the roof of the Sydney Opera House and forgotten to hit the brakes? Happens all the time. Coughidiotcough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBgtleSbHgk&feature=player_embedded

Contrary to earlier reports, Oksana Grigorieva will not sit down with Oprah and talk about her stupid fake chest bladders. Due to her currently ongoing custody case against Mel, the judge put a gag order on both of them.

When her lawyers found out about the appearance, they shook their finger at her and hit her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. However, Oksana still managed to sneak in an interview with PEOPLE magazine violating the seal and pissing off her lawyers. The PEOPLE interview wasn’t even interesting. Just more of the same.

“I thought he would kill me,” says Grigorieva. (Gibson, who declined to comment for this story, has disputed her account and a source close to him has said he intervened when she was shaking the baby.)

The Russian-born musician says Gibson often flew into jealous rages, talked about suicide and once brandished a gun in front of her.

She also discusses why she decided to tape Gibson’s angry phone calls. “I needed to document his threats,” says Grigorieva, who denies she leaked the tapes. She also refutes Gibson’s claim that she used the tapes to extort him.

“I’m not angry at him,” she says. “For the sake of Lucia, I really want him to be well. He has to have the courage to be responsible for what he’s done.”

In Mel’s defense, it’s really frustrating when your girlfriend won’t blow you first and say thank you. Why, if I had a nickel…

(In best Oprah yell) Someone needs mooooooneeeeey! Us reports that Oksana Grigorieva, who still refuses to blow Mel Gibson first, will talk with Oprah about her relationship with the actor. Oprah beat out 60 Minutes for the coveted interview. No word on whether or not Oksana’s breasts will look stuuuupid during the interview or if she’ll be parading around like a Vegas whore.

Jenny McCarthy went on Oprah and talked about her first shoot for Playboy. She says the initial reaction from the crew when she undressed was one of shock and horror. Nuns drew crosses on their heads with their fingers while a Mexican housekeeper shouted “Dios mio!” from the back.

“All of a sudden I hear WOAH, WOAH! And I said is there anything on it? What’s wrong?”

Jenny said the makeup artist came over to her and explained why everyone was so shocked. “They said they never saw anyone as hairy as you in their entire life!” The audience roared as Oprah laughed along with Jenny.

She said there was a discussion with the Playboy staffers and the photographer figured out what to do: “’I say we just light the heck out of it!’” Jenny recalled the photographer saying.

Jenny kept the audience and Oprah in hysterics when she added that the makeup lady used a brush to manicure the region and later exclaimed, “I guess I’m not using this one again!” (video here)

Lewis and Clark probably couldn’t even have made it out of Jenny McCarthy’s vagina. Your penis would need a machete just to have sex with her. I heard it’s so hairy that Brendan Fraser once asked if he could shave it and make a wig out of it.

I’m sorry. That title should read “Oprah is going to screw Australia” and then the opening line should have read “out of nearly $3 million.”

Monday on the season premiere of Oprah, Oprah told her audience that she was taking all 300 of them on a free 8 day trip to Australia on a plane flown by John Travolta. A bigger surprise was that Australia would be footing the $3 million bill. Suckers.

Former federal tourism minister John Brown asked the media not to be “cynical about the cost” at a time when the number of Australian leaving for overseas holidays outstrips the number of tourists coming to Australia for vacations.

“We spent hundreds of millions of dollars over 30 years without much effect, I must say that honestly,” he told a news conference. “The publicity that Oprah will bring to Australia around the world is something you couldn’t buy.”

$3 million? That’s alright. All Australia has to do is hold more kangaroo races and force Crocodile Dundee to make a couple more sequels to pay for it. Right, guys?

Now that she’s on probation and is watched more closely than ever, Lindsay Lohan needs to stay sober and out of trouble. What’s the best way of doing that? Why, by getting pregnant and having a baby obviously. From In Touch:

Despite her recent legal issues — and recent reports that while driving she allegedly clipped a stroller with a toddler in it — Lindsay Lohan wants to be a mom! The star has confided to a pal that she’s determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant. According to the pal, Lindsay, 24, hates being alone and thinks a baby would make the perfect companion. She’s seen what motherhood has done for former party girl Nicole Richie and thinks it can do the same for her. “She needs to be around someone nearly 24 hours a day,” the pal says. “She thinks having a baby could straighten out her life.”

Best. Idea. Ever. Right up there with juggling live chainsaws and hand feeding Jessica Simpson blueberry pie. One problem is how to get around that law barring her from ever taking care of a kid. There is a law like that, right? Oh god, please tell me there’s a law like that.

In related news, Lindsay is in talks to appear on Oprah, whose final season begins September 13. The deal hasn’t been finalized yet, but everything looks real good. A source says, “Several entities are being considered, and no decision has been made and won’t be for awhile.” Much like you, I can’t wait to watch Lindsay fake being sorry again.

Last month in Playboy, John Mayer called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm” and “crack cocaine”. Looks like Jessica doesn’t know how to take a compliment because she went on Oprah and said “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed!”

A source adds that Simpson is “disgusted” by what John said and that John brought Jessica to dark places. “He actually texted apologizing, like, 12 times, but she ignored it.”

Did Mayer try to “change” Simpson? During their time together, the natural blonde went brunette, and “[Mayer] brought her to new places sexually, and they were dark places,” an insider told Us. “She liked being a bad girl and being manhandled, but now she feels it was a mistake because of what he said in the interview.”

I have mixed feelings about John Mayer now. On one hand, he’s a big douche bag who tries hard to be shocking. On the other, he got Jessica to be real dirty in bed. And this was the less fat Jessica. Before she started using butter as mouthwash. Should I pat him on the back or punch him in the face or both?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZFs8fZVOAk&feature=player_embedded

Drew Brees has a birthmark on the right side of his face. Oprah didn’t know this so when Brees came out on her show, she tried to wipe it off while asking if someone kissed him backstage. Awk-ward. But not as awkward as when Oprah pretended to be a receiver and Drew beaned her in the face with a football, laughed and walked off set. Oh, that didn’t happen? Well it should have.

A Brad Pitt superfan dialed into Oprah during Brad’s guest appearance on the show and attempted to ask a pornstached Pitt about the meanings of his tattoos. Namely the iceman Oetzi and the Daniel Pearl quote ones. Brad politely refused to answer citing that they were personal. Specifically, he said, “Let me just say, if you have a partner it’s great fun, it’s a great thing to do together, it becomes personal and special in its own right. I’d rather just leave it at that.” Both Oprah and Cate Blanchett egged on the crazy stalker but Brad started getting annoyed and since no one wants to make the big baby cry, they eventually dropped it.

Christina looks a little excited. Calm down bitch, he’s not going to tell you anything. Christina is probably going to go on her Brad/Angelina forum and talk about what a meanie he was. Still, she’ll forgive him after he sends her an autographed headshot of himself which she’ll tape to her vibrator.

Tom Cruise has decided not to invite Oprah to his Italian wedding. Oprah plays it off as Tom only being able to invite a limited amount of guests, but she’s still planning on buying them a present. Maybe a lifetime supply of delicious placenta. People may think this is a snub and it is. Inviting the host of the show where all your bad PR started can only bring back unpleasant memories. And also because Xenu said so. Xenu does not take kindly to infidels. All hail Xenu.

Angelina Jolie convinced Madonna to not adopt from the U.S. Instead, she encouraged her to buy a baby from Africa. Had Angelina talked to me when I went to buy a car, I wouldn’t have been stuck with this stupid tricycle. At least the tassels are pretty.

Anna Nicole has been evicted from her Bahamian home. Anna claims it was a gift from G. Ben Thompson (Anna slept with him), but Thompson says “Yea right” (she stopped sleeping him). If she is forced to move back to California, she might have to undergo a paternity test. I’ll be keeping a keen eye on this story as it unfolds because I have no life.

Madonna is going on Oprah tomorrow to talk about her adoption and defend herself against the latest claims that Yohane, David’s father, didn’t know she was taking him away forever. Right. She was going to return the kid after she spends 18 years on him. This isn’t some Disney movie Yohane.