Miranda Kerr gave birth to a boy on Friday in LA. Now E! News has a few more details including one about how the kid weighed 10 pounds. Holy hell.

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have welcomed a baby boy—and, according to her family, the kid is a monster, tipping the scales at nearly 10 pounds.

Per Kerr’s local newspaper, Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, the super-sized bundle of joy arrived last Friday, and despite his size, the petite Kerr (as well as her Lord of the Rings hubby) are doing “very well,” according to a family friend.

For the love of all that is good and pure, please tell me Miranda Kerr got a C-section. That size thing should not be growing in a human much less come out of one of its orifices. The hospital would look like a horror movie if the 110 pound Kerr gave vaginal birth to a thing like that. A good way to see how it would feel is to shove a cannon ball into your uterus and then try to push it out.

Okay, so Miranda Kerr maybe went into labor on Thursday. According to Us, Miranda and Orlando Bloom welcomed a son. Aw, isn’t that precious. Now get back to being skinny. *Cracks whip*

Reports are coming in that Orlando Bloom’s wife, Miranda Kerr, has gone into labor in LA. According to The Daily Telegraph (via Contact Music), Kerr went into labor today.

“We did get a text on Boxing Day (26Dec10) saying she had gone into labour but it was false alarm but I can confirm she did go into labour early this morning. I have been trying to get in touch with (Kerr’s parents) but everyone’s phones are going to message bank.” [Ed. note: *Snicker* "labour", "message bank"]

Finally, that alien will be expelled from Miranda’s womb and onto the cover of either PEOPLE or OK! Magazine. I was worried. For a second there, I thought I would have to beat it out of her per the time limit set on supermodel pregnancies as decided during the Geneva Convention.

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are expecting their first child. While no official announcement has been made, friends say it’ll be hard to keep secret because Kerr is a god damn lingerie model.

“She’s definitely pregnant… Miranda’s thrilled,” says a source close to the Australia native, who wed the actor, 33, at an undisclosed location — reportedly in the Caribbean — less than a month after revealing their engagement on June 21. “She’s telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it.” (Us)

I’d hate to be pregnant around models. I imagine all of them are real catty. They’ll pretend to be really happy for Miranda but at the same time they’ll say stuff like, “I did notice you put on some weight,” and when Miranda leaves they’ll imitate her by waddling around while everyone laughs.

Finding the most unexciting way to announce a marriage, Miranda Kerr released a statement explaining that she missed an appearance at the Australian department store David Jones because she and Orlando Bloom are married and are currently on their honeymoon.

“David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together,” Kerr’s statement says. “I’m very much a part of the David Jones Family and I am very committed to my role. I am enormously grateful to David Jones to have been given this time to enjoy such a special moment in my life.”

Ugh. Even marriage announcements from these two are dull. If these two were ever in an airplane crash, it’d be the most boring crash in the world. The news would say, “Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr almost died today when their plane crashed into a giant pile of foam. There was no fire because the foam cushioned the plane’s landing. Passengers were still found napping inside.”

Apparently when you’re an actor, you don’t actually have to go to college and study for four years to get a degree. They just throw one at you. Orlando Bloom, 33, received his honorary degree from the University of Kent today. He stood alongside other grads at Canterbury Cathedral who, I imagine, shook their fists at him in contempt.

He said: “It’s a really big deal. It’s an exciting day for me. I’m really honoured to be back in my home town.

“I have so many amazing memories of the cathedral and Canterbury.

“I have lived near the university so it’s like my playground. It’s a huge, huge honour and I feel chuffed, as does my mother – nobody more than my mother.”

Bloom actually earned a degree at London’s Guildhall School of Music and Drama but he wasn’t able to attend the ceremony since he was working on Lord of the Rings so I guess this isn’t that much of an issue. Still, they should put an asterisk by his name on the degree like the bouncers at clubs do to mine. Except, his will be a little different because it won’t say to call the cops if he steps on the premises.  I mean, you expose yourself to one girl and you’re blacklisted for life. What’s up with that?

It’s official. That guy from the pirate movies and the elfish Victoria’s Secret model are getting married. Orlando Bloom’s rep confirmed it to PEOPLE today.

“My ideal situation would be to live on a farm in a solar-powered house with a hammock and a vegetable patch,” she told Page Six Magazine in 2008. “When this is all over, that’s where I’ll be. I’ve always wanted kids, so someday, eventually, yes, it will happen.”

What’s weird is most of the quotes from the PEOPLE article are all from 2008. As if Orlando and Miranda stopped existing from 2009 until now. It’s probably because Miranda says stuff like she wants to live on a solar-powered farm with a hammock and vegetable patch. She could have said she painted her toenails pink that day and it’d have been sexier. No one wants to hear about your commune, you hippie. Tits or GTFO!

[Bauer]

Thieves broke into Orlando Bloom’s Hollywood Hills home last night and stole $500,000 worth of jewelry including two very expensive watches. Maybe even some pretty necklaces Orlando likes to wear from time to time. The LAPD says it doesn’t look like a “typical burglary” leading everybody to believe it was an inside job.

The LAPD says they’re not sure yet, but they’ll let everyone know when they get around to it. Oh, but hey. While you’re here, the LAPD wants to know if you have any idea when Orlando Bloom will be back. They would really like to get his autograph. For, um, their kids.

Yachts! They’re not just for dumping bodies into the ocean anymore. They’re all the rage now in Cannes. Because that’s all there is to do. Watch movies and sunbathe on big boats. The latest adopters of the fad are Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr. Here they are confirming suspicions that my life totally sucks.

Even though these pictures of Miranda Kerr have very little to no hint of her boyfriend Orlando Bloom in them, I can assure you she was hanging out topless with him. Despite their seemingly carefree lifestyle, don’t think celebrities have it easy. They’re full of inner turmoil. “Should I take the Ferrari to meet my half-naked supermodel girlfriend or should I take the Porsche?,” is a question they must struggle with on a daily basis. Your problems don’t seem so big now, do they

Also, if you were wondering what Orlando’s ass looks like, here you go.

Orlando Bloom dating Jessica Simpson is the headline making the rounds today. OK! Magazine reports the two secretly arrived together at the Hennessy Artistry event on Wednesday.

“They slipped in a little after 8 p.m. and remained backstage for roughly 20 minutes before leaving together,” an eyewitness tells OK!.

Sounds like me and my penis on a Friday night. Zing! Jessica and Orlando are said to be keeping their relationship out of the spotlight because “it’s all new to them.” Ya think? This is the first time Orlando is dating someone with a bigger rack than him and this is Jessica’s first time dating a 13-year-old boy. Trying new things is always so exciting or so says my 45-year-old unmarried neighbor when he puts his arm around me.

Meanwhile, on Thursday, Bloom was involved in an accident with one person sustaining minor injuries when his Toyota Matrix crashed into a parked Porsche. Earlier that night, TMZ caught a possibly inebriated Bloom hopping in a stranger’s car after leaving Green Door and arguing with him over his wife. The stranger’s wife was kind of hot and I think the guy was about to drunk drive home. Thank god the thousands of people standing around didn’t ask him if he was okay to drive because then I wouldn’t have the chance to seduce his soon to be widow with my amazing charm which is basically me bringing over a personal pan pizza and condoms. Also, thank god the paparazzi didn’t ask the girl driving Orlando home if she was okay after she tried to start an already running car and instead, opted to stand there and comment, “This is not going to be good.” The guy must be a psychic. Creepy.

Update: TMZ says they have video of Orlando trying to walk away after the crash. Paparazzi told him to go back and deal with it, which he did. One girl in the car fractured her neck and another was cut by her seat belt. Police say Orlando was not under the influence. The accident was caused by another car cutting them off.

People often question Orlando Bloom’s sexuality, but this piece of news will hopefully put any rumors to rest. Orlando says he hates doing on-screen kisses because it makes him embarrassed and uncomfortable.

“In my new movie ‘Haven’ I hated kissing Zoë Saldaña! I was like, ‘Take your tongue out of my mouth, please. Your boyfriend is standing right there’.”

The nerve of some women. Putting their tongue down your throats like that. Right in front of their boyfriend no less. That’s unacceptable. Real men don’t let or want women to kiss them. Real men describe their male idols as pinups.

“That doesn’t bother me. Name any of my heroes, and they were hotties. Brando was a pin-up, so was James Dean, Paul Newman.”

I’m on your side Orlando. Hopefully this story will clear that little black cloud hanging over your head. I mean, he dated Kate Bosworth for god’s sake. Even though she has the body of a 12 yr old boy, her anatomy says girl and that makes all the difference in the world.