Oh, man. Sorry about that last Oscar arrivals post. They weren’t as star studded as I would have liked. Hopefully these arrivals at the 2012 Vanity Fair Oscar Party will make up for it.

If the people in that Oscar arrival post were strippers, they’d be working in Kansas at 2 in the afternoon. If the people in this post were like strippers, they’d be working in Vegas at 10 at night.

Update: More arrival photos added.

I know some of you like to see who wore what at the Oscars so here’s a bunch of celebrities arriving on the red carpet yesterday but let me save you some time on figuring it out. The guys whore tuxes and suits and the girls wore dresses.

Gerard Butler got out of rehab right in time to hit up all the Oscar parties. Here he is at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party. His face looks like that because he heard someone whisper “cocaine.”

While presenting the Oscars for Best Costume Design and Best Makeup with Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez slipped a nipple. Or at least some areola. Maybe. Ironically, their intro was, “Edith Head, the brilliant costume designer, once said a dress should be tight enough to show your a woman and loose enough to prove you’re a lady.” Turns out Lopez took that to heart and loosened up her top a little.

However, Lopez’s stylist denied any slippage tweeting, “The dress fit perfectly to her every inch. There were cups built in and there’s no chance that there were any, how do you say? ‘slips.’” Adding, “While the dress did give the illusion of sheer-ness, joke’s on everyone who wishes they saw something! If you thought that dress was hot wait until you see what’s next.”

I don’t think Lopez’s stylist understood that her areola was peeking out the inside of her dress not through it but whatever. If Jennifer Lopez wanted to slip a nipple, she should have just went for it because this is ridiculous. I’m getting eyestrain trying to find it.

Richard Dreyfuss was interviewed after the Oscars and was asked who, out of the current crop of young actors, really excites him and makes him think, “that’s a great actor.” Dreyfuss, who’s at the damn Oscars, said, “I don’t go to movies anymore. I don’t really go to movies and I… I’m busy. And I’m busy being married and retired.” Then he was asked how that was going. The interview went downhill pretty quickly from there.

Crotchety old Dreyfuss answered, “Well… I’m trying to save the country and win the Nobel.” Adding, “I want people to resign the preamble. As a matter of fact, I’d like everyone in the country to resign the preamble just as a reaffirmation of who we are because every people has the right to know who they are and why they are who they are so the Koch brothers, I invite to sign the preamble of the Constitution of the United States. And if they’re gentleman and they say no, they should explain why.” Yea, like the guy said, “best of luck with that.”

If I was the guy with the mic, I’d have backed away slowly. Granted, I don’t think it would have made any difference because Dreyfuss would have kept talking into thin air even if everyone left.

Apparently when you win the Oscar for Best Actor like Jean Dujardin did for The Artist, not only do you get a golden statue, but you also get Natalie Portman. These awards shows are really upping the ante on their prizes.

It’s safe to say Miley Cyrus will never win an Oscar but she sure as hell can attend the parties. Here she is with her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and Elton John’s viewing party. One day they may even let her sit at the big girl table.

Brad Pitt may not have won Best Actor for Moneyball, that honor went to Jean Dujardin for The Artist obviously (seriously, the Academy must have gotten so hard watching that silent film), but he still gets to bang Angelina Jolie and her right leg, which kept making an appearance through a slit in her dress the entire night. That fact pretty much trumps any Oscar achievement.

Somehow Sacha Baron Cohen made his way onto the Oscar red carpet on Sunday, despite being dis-invited unless he promised not to promote his movie, and did what everyone assumed he would do which was shamelessly promote The Dictator by coming in character.

His interview with Ryan Seacrest started out innocently enough. Until he started joking about sprinkling Kim Jong Il’s ashes on the red carpet and over Halle Berry’s chest. When Seacrest bent down, Cohen tipped the urn he was carrying and spilled ash all over Ryan’s tux. Security came and took Cohen away but not before he spilled even more ashes on the carpet.

Ryan got flustered so he kept trying to cut to commercial but no one at E! would let him because they were having too much fun laughing at him. With good reason too. It’s always fun to ridicule the dork. I was half-expecting one of the E! staff to push him into the mud while he was wiping ash off his jacket and taunt, “Baby gonna cry? Baby gonna cry?”

You figure Ryan Seacrest would have just rolled with this though considering he’s usually the butt of most jokes. The words “Ryan Seacrest” could really be a punchline to most anything.

Much like he’s done many times before, to promote his upcoming comedy, The Dictator, Sacha Baron Cohen planned to attend the Oscars in full character. The Academy, who takes themselves way too seriously, caught wind, pulled Cohen’s tickets and won’t give them back until he pinky swears he won’t show up in costume and won’t promote the movie on the Red Carpet. Without these assurances, Cohen will not be able to attend the Oscars. Unless someone leaves the backdoor open.

The Academy is so old and stuffy. I bet when they heard about this, their monocles popped out, they shook their jowls in disbelief and rushed to the closest telegraph to resolve this posthaste.

When Michael Bay isn’t filming Megan Fox washing his Ferrari for his spank bank or dumping supermodels in the middle of the desert, he’s creating For Your Consideration ads like these. Transformers is nominated for Sound Editing, Sound Mixing and Visual Effects at this year’s Academy Awards and Bay really wants to win. According to him, an Oscar would look super sweet on his mantle next to his novelty beer mug and Axe body spray. Adds Bay, “And just think how much pu**y I’d score with that thing.”

When this year’s Oscars is being hosted by Billy Crystal and Hugo is nominated in every single category and the one film that’s probably going to win for Best Picture is a silent film called The Artist, you pretty much know you’re going to be passed out in your pretentious beret 30 minutes in. Nick Nolte did mumble his way to a nomination for Warrior though while Melissa McCarthy butch-ed her way to one in Bridesmaids (a lot of gasps were heard during that one, people). Anyway, here are your nominees.

Best Picture
“The Artist” Thomas Langmann, Producer
“The Descendants” Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Producers
“Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” Scott Rudin, Producer
“The Help” Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, Producers
“Hugo” Graham King and Martin Scorsese, Producers
“Midnight in Paris” Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, Producers
“Moneyball” Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, Producers
“The Tree of Life” Nominees to be determined
“War Horse” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, Producers

Actor in a Leading Role
Demián Bichir in “A Better Life”
George Clooney in “The Descendants”
Jean Dujardin in “The Artist”
Gary Oldman in “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”
Brad Pitt in “Moneyball”

Actor in a Supporting Role
Kenneth Branagh in “My Week with Marilyn”
Jonah Hill in “Moneyball”
Nick Nolte in “Warrior”
Christopher Plummer in “Beginners”
Max von Sydow in “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”

Actress in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in “Albert Nobbs”
Viola Davis in “The Help”
Rooney Mara in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Meryl Streep in “The Iron Lady”
Michelle Williams in “My Week with Marilyn”

Actress in a Supporting Role
Bérénice Bejo in “The Artist”
Jessica Chastain in “The Help”
Melissa McCarthy in “Bridesmaids”
Janet McTeer in “Albert Nobbs”
Octavia Spencer in “The Help”

Animated Feature Film
“A Cat in Paris” Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli
“Chico & Rita” Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal
“Kung Fu Panda 2″ Jennifer Yuh Nelson
“Puss in Boots” Chris Miller
“Rango” Gore Verbinski

Art Direction
“The Artist” Production Design: Laurence Bennett; Set Decoration: Robert Gould
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″ Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
“Hugo” Production Design: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
“Midnight in Paris” Production Design: Anne Seibel; Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
“War Horse” Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Lee Sandales

Cinematography
“The Artist” Guillaume Schiffman
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Jeff Cronenweth
“Hugo” Robert Richardson
“The Tree of Life” Emmanuel Lubezki
“War Horse” Janusz Kaminski

Costume Design
“Anonymous” Lisy Christl
“The Artist” Mark Bridges
“Hugo” Sandy Powell
“Jane Eyre” Michael O’Connor
“W.E.” Arianne Phillips

Directing
“The Artist” Michel Hazanavicius
“The Descendants” Alexander Payne
“Hugo” Martin Scorsese
“Midnight in Paris” Woody Allen
“The Tree of Life” Terrence Malick

Documentary (Feature)
“Hell and Back Again” Danfung Dennis and Mike Lerner
“If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front” Marshall Curry and Sam Cullman
“Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
“Pina” Wim Wenders and Gian-Piero Ringel
“Undefeated” TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Richard Middlemas

Documentary (Short Subject)
“The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement” Robin Fryday and Gail Dolgin
“God Is the Bigger Elvis” Rebecca Cammisa and Julie Anderson
“Incident in New Baghdad”James Spione
“Saving Face” Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy
“The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom” Lucy Walker and Kira Carstensen

Film Editing
“The Artist” Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
“The Descendants” Kevin Tent
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
“Hugo” Thelma Schoonmaker
“Moneyball” Christopher Tellefsen

Foreign Language Film
“Bullhead” Belgium
“Footnote”
“In Darkness” Poland
“Monsieur Lazhar” Canada
“A Separation” Iran

Makeup
“Albert Nobbs” Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″ Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
“The Iron Lady” Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

Music (Original Score)
“The Adventures of Tintin” John Williams
“The Artist” Ludovic Bource
“Hugo” Howard Shore
“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Alberto Iglesias
“War Horse” John Williams

Music (Original Song)
“Man or Muppet” from “The Muppets” Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie
“Real in Rio” from “Rio” Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown Lyric by Siedah Garrett

Short Film (Animated)
“Dimanche/Sunday” Patrick Doyon
“The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg
“La Luna” Enrico Casarosa
“A Morning Stroll” Grant Orchard and Sue Goffe
“Wild Life” Amanda Forbis and Wendy Tilby

Short Film (Live Action)
“Pentecost” Peter McDonald and Eimear O’Kane
“Raju” Max Zähle and Stefan Gieren
“The Shore” Terry George and Oorlagh George
“Time Freak” Andrew Bowler and Gigi Causey
“Tuba Atlantic” Hallvar Witzø

Sound Editing
“Drive” Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Ren Klyce
“Hugo” Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl
“War Horse” Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom

Sound Mixing
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Bo Persson
“Hugo” Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
“Moneyball” Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, Dave Giammarco and Ed Novick
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin
“War Horse” Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and Stuart Wilson

Visual Effects
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″ Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and John Richardson
“Hugo” Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman and Alex Henning
“Real Steel” Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg
“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
“The Descendants” Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
“Hugo” Screenplay by John Logan
“The Ides of March” Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
“Moneyball” Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin
“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Screenplay by Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan

Writing (Original Screenplay)
“The Artist” Written by Michel Hazanavicius
“Bridesmaids” Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
“Margin Call” Written by J.C. Chandor
“Midnight in Paris” Written by Woody Allen
“A Separation” Written by Asghar Farhadi

Billy Crystal just announced via Twitter that he’s hosting the big celebrity circle jerk this year otherwise known as the Oscars. A safe choice considering nothing controversial nor memorable happened the last 8 times he hosted.

Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show Twitter

Well, I look forward to not watching the Oscars this year and only reading about how horribly long and boring it was watching celebrities suck each other off despite that sounding much more interesting on paper.

My god, can you believe that’s Billy Crystal up top? Getting old sucks.