The Crazies

• Proving once again that Jennifer Love Hewitt is crazy, she test drove her new boyfriend for a week to make sure they were compatible.
• Janine Lindemulder was the hot nurse on Blink 182′s 1999 album Enema of the State. She went on to marry Jesse James, then divorced him and now looks like a really sad, crazy grandma.

Disturbingly Good News

• No word on this disturbing trend of monokinis but one thing is for sure, they should all be burned.
• As not sexually attractive Michelle Rodriguez is, she looks utterly fantastic in a bikini.
• Oh, hey. Just Nadia Vieira in her underwear for Maxim.
• Good news. Supermodels are against AIDS. So if you were on the fence about dating one, this may convince you.

Movies & the World

• Daniel Radcliffe would really love it if you cast him as a superhero.
• If you thought Heath Ledger was great as The Joker in Batman, then this supercut is for you.
• Obama was a pothead.

“Siri, poop! Hehehe.”

Say What?

• 29-year-old US Olympic hurdler Lola Jones admits to being a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage to lose it. She’s also kind of funny.
• You fool! You’ve been eating sushi wrong this whole time.
• Bar Refaeli says no one hits on her. Granted, I’d imagine it be hard to do when she’s surrounded by bodyguards 24/7.
• It’s confirmed. Men like sleepy, dumb drunk women. They needed a study for this?
• I have no idea why anyone would get a Pete Rose tattoo like this.
• Miley Cyrus’ tattoos have deep meanings or whatever.

Film & Music

• Justin Timberlake last released an album 6 years ago. He’s finally releasing a new one. Sort of. He’ll be scoring Bill Purple’s The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea which already sounds boooring.
• Not sure what Fantasia was wearing during American Idol but it didn’t look flattering.
• The cast of Snow White and the Huntsmen read erotica. Namely, Fifty Shades of Grey. Charlize Theron is hot.
• Milla Jovovich waited 20 years to release her newest single.
• Oh, no, Kristen Stewart jacks off two guys in her new movie and parents are all like, “Bellllaaa, how will I explain this to my kids who for some reason I took to this movie.”
• Gary Oldman has signed up for the Robocop remake.

That’s Cool, I Guess

• Diddy got punked on Twitter.
• Whereas it was a controversial topic before, it’s now cool to support gay marriag. Colin Powell just jumped on the bandwagon.
• Chloe Sevigny recently complained about having to wear a fake penis. And here she is wearing it. NSFW, obviously.

Why even have her on?

Movie News

• Matthew McConaughey has been cast as JFK The Butler which begs the question, did JFK ever get high and play the bongos?
• Rupert Everett is making an Oscar Wilde biopic and guess who they cast. Why, Colin Firth of course. Colin Firth is contractually obligated to appear in every period piece. Also, Emma Watson is starring as well.

What?

• Skydiving without a parachute seems… fun? Spoiler: he turns himself into a flying squirrel.
• Tony Romo gives the kiss of death to the Boston Celtics playoff run.
• Kanye West wants Kim Kardashian to have a “natural” look like Kate Middleton. Sorry to break it to you Kanye, but that ship sailed a long time ago.

Girls, Girls, Girls

• There never has to be a reason to link to Kate Upton in a bikini.
• Rachael Finch does some bikini shooting.
• Wait, does that mean everyone here is single? Why wasn’t I invited?

Naturally

• Facebook and Morgan Stanley have been sued by shareholders claiming they hid Facebook’s weakened growth forecasts before the big IPO.
• And a new ketchup bottle has been born saving you endless hours of trying to convince your friends the secret is to tap on the 76.

Researchers planned to scare the sh*t out of baby pandas. [via TDW]

P.S. It’s going to be an abbreviated roundup today.

• Student gives “jizz juice” filled cupcake to classmate… Well… did it taste good at least?
• Usher is a real crybaby. Says ex wife threatened and spit on his girlfriend.
• Hayden Panettiere looks leggy.
• Nicole Richie somehow grew breasts. (Site NSFW)
• Chris Brown fans got worked up when Chrissy Teigen mocked Brown’s Billboard performance. Now she’s getting death threats because his fans are just as unbalanced as he is.
• Everyone wants a piece of Irina Shayk at Cannes.
• Carey Hart was criticizing Chris Brown not Katy Perry.

Will Smith was a guest on Graham Norton’s show last week where he sang the theme from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I couldn’t tell if Will was genuinely into it or not because his laugh sometimes seemed forced.

Weird

• 53 year old woman returns an iPhone. Her reward? Money. And a beatdown by the phone’s owner to take back the money.
• Did Kim Kardashian ban Kanye West from seeing girls backstage? Sure, why not.
• Raven-Symone is a lesbian or something. Look, she could be a peacock for all I know.
• Ex-wrstler and world’s most disturbing reality porn star passed out in a pool during a porn convention. That’s one classy broad.

Girls

• Maria Menounos and Nigle Lythgoe wrestle on the set of Extra. Rawr.
• Sofia Vergara showed up in a bikini.
• Nicole Trunfio wants you to look at her when she’s in a bikini at the beach.

Aww, Poor Baby

• Facebook’s stock just dropped.
• UFC Light Heavyweight champ Jon Jones crashed his Bentley into a pole and got a DUI.
• Why is Will.i.am carrying the Olympic torch?

Watch

• Hey, so, is this how the vagina works?
• The Aussie version of Carly Rae Jespen’s Call Me Maybe seems very accurate.
• Anchroman teaser trailer is here.

Not So Fast

• With Facebook’s $100 billion IPO this Friday, outlets report that U2′s Bono made $1.5 billion off his 2.3% share. Though that would be news to his investment group, Elevation Partners, which he’s a part of who were actually the ones that paid the $90 million for the shares in 2009.  Granted, even though he doesn’t get the whole $1.5 billion, Bono is still disgustingly wealthy and this doesn’t make me feel any better.
• Candy Magazine managed to make Tilda Swinton look like a woman.
• 62-year-old Cowboys cheerleader says 55-year-old Cowboys cheerleader hopeful isn’t all that great. I can’t help but feel we all lose in this one.
• When smuggling roasted fetuses into Taiwan goes terribly wrong.
• Kristen Stewart wants to keep working Robert Pattinson. I read this as, Kristen Stewart is so insecure that she thinks Rob will bang his co-star.
• Battleship might not be the masterpiece everyone thought it’d be.

Girls, Girls, Girls

• Wanna see Angela Simmons in a bikini? Sure you do.
• Wanna see Sharon Stone in a bikini? Sure you don’t.
• LeAnn Rimes hits the shooting range. Forgoes the custom Brandi Glanville target.
• Freida Pinto hits up Cannes.
• Joanna Koltuniak sports some side boob.

Watch

• Remember the Asian version of Jersey Shore called K-Town? Well, no network would pick it up so now it’s going to be a web series.
• Just the stuttering and stammering in The King’s Speech.
• Below: The international trailer for Magic Mike.

Say what?

• Charlize Theron had no teeth until she was 11 after a bout with jaundice put her on so many antibiotics that her teeth rotted and forced dentists to cut them out.
• How did Lindsay Lohan do on Glee last night? Did her two minute and 46 second appearance turn her career around? Meh. The Washington Post describes her performance as adequate. Says Lindsay, “I’ll take it!”
• Torturing horses (graphic) for a desired gait is terrible, but I’m more offended by how they came up with the idea that making a horse walk like a cartoon animal would be cool. It seems like the most useless skill anyone could have. Were they high?
• This is why you need to warn reporters to hike down their skirt. (Site NSFW)
• So how well is the cast of Friday Night Lights doing post-show, exactly?

Of course

• Matthew McConaughey don’t need no ass double!
• Paris Hilton tries to show off whatever cleavage she has.
• The Cannes Festival started. Circle jerk, assemble!
• Rex Hudler is selling his porn production house paradise.
• Tan mom posed for the paps without a bra on… These are things that should not exist.

Here’s Rachel McAdams in Brian de Palma’s Passion. It looks good judging by the picture up top but would look even better if she spread her legs a little. C’mon. Quit being such a prude. (via Facebook)

Haha, You Suck

• Kim Kardashian’s IMDB profile was very honest up until a couple days ago when they decided to take out the part about her being emblematic of the shallowness of American culture.
• The New York Times teaches you how to look like a jackass on a skateboard (via Vice)

What Was That?

• Matthew McConaughey tells The Advocate that he’s all “for gay power.” He does not clarify whether he’s pro power top or pro power bottom.
• Mariah Carey doesn’t give a damn about Britney Spears on X Factor. In fact, this interview is close to being over unless we can get back on the subject of Mariah Carey.
• Robert Pattinson’s shoot for Premiere to promote Cosmopolis turned out really fun what with a hot topless blonde snaking herself around his body, nibbling his earlobes and kissing his face and neck. But after the blonde licked his nipples, he made a call to get those out of the mag. What a tease.
• Khloe Kardashian thinks she’s pretty hot. Apparently, if you keep saying it, it eventually becomes true.

Hi, Ladies

• Miranda Kerr showed up for Woman of Style and made every other girl jealous.
• Courtney Stodden does her best impression of Bo Derek which has been affectionately termed Ho Derek. Sounds about right.
• Oh, just Larissa Riquelme getting naked (NSFW).

Bright Futures

• Rachel Uchitel gave birth to a kid who’ll eventually find out she whored herself around Hollywood like a tray of coke.

Watch

• When a security guard asks you to throwdown, it’s best to just walk away.
• Someone get this guy a KIA because it doesn’t look like he can handle the power of a Lambo Gallardo.

Say what?

• Bobbi Kristina will use her mother’s tribute to launch her singing career.
• Angelina Jolie weighs less than 100 pounds which makes it so much easier to kidnap, er, woo her.
• Chris Brown was riding around LA picking up strange in his Range Rover.
• If you’ve ever wanted to carve a guy’s face, name Kobe Bryant, onto your head, go to this guy. Then go jump off a bridge because you seem like an idiot.
• How dare you try to get rid of my cameltoe.

Girls, Girls, Girls

• Micaela Schaefer will out attention whore anyone. Even you, Courtney Stodden. (Site NSFW)
• Whatever the Victoria’s Secret Angels are selling. I’ll two, no five of them. Just to sniff of course.
• Katy Perry. In latex.

Movies & TV

• Pan Am, Charlie’s Angels, Awake, Prime Suspect, Playboy Club, CSI: Miami, Rob, NYC 22, Terra Nova, Alcatraz, The Finder, Ringer, The Secret Circle and H8R are all shows you won’t be seeing next season. Because they’re canceled. Good riddance.
• 30 Rock, Gossip Girl and Fringe will have their final seasons next year.
• Community and Glee have been shuffled around. The former being given the death slot on Fridays and the latter relegated to Thursdays.
• Avengers broke every record imaginable reaching $1 billion in just 19 days. It also became the best second weekend ever earning $103.2 million, became the fastest movie to reach $200 million in 3 days, the fastest to reach $300 million in 9 days, the fastest to reach $350 million in 10 days and highest eight, nine and 10-day grosses (via FilmDrunk). It’s safe to say a sequel is in the works. Right after studio execs stuff a few garbage bags with $100 bills, light them on fire and throw them into Skid Row.

WTF?

• When Japanese Johnny Depp meets American Johnny Depp, the world implodes.
• The Kardashians influence baby names now.
• Whisky Dick Lube isn’t a cure for Whisky Dick. It’s just a sex aid for chicks who like to party.
• Nick Loeb wanted to put a ring on it and put a baby inside her but Sofia Vergara wasn’t having it which is why she kicked him to the curb.
• Kim Kardashian put on a short wig which made her look exactly like her mother Kris Jenner. Depressing.

Well, Finally

• Figure skater Sasha Cohen posted some photos of her taking a stripper class. Someone needs to learn how to take a picture.
• Kanye West will definitely be involved in Kim Kardashian’s reality show. As if there was any doubt.
• Christina Hendricks finally wore something not totally ugly.
• Did someone ask to see Audrina Patridge in a bikini?
• Lindsay Lohan actually wore a bra today.

Reminder: The Drake contest ends in two days. Go enter now.

Outrage

• Breastfeeding critics and advocates are giving the breastfeeding mom from TIME Magazine a hard time for popping a tit into her three-year-old’s mouth. Look, do you want that kid to be popular in school or not. Because I can assure you, there’s a a good chance he’ll be the only kid who’ll have gotten to second base in his preschool.
• The adoption community is up in arms over The Avengers joke where Black Widow points out that Loki’s “killed 80 people in two days” causing Thor to reply, “he’s adopted.” They want an apology and whine about the stereotype that adopted kids have  ”a pathos that turns them bad or hurts people.” First of all, the joke wasn’t even about that. It was more about Thor wanting to distance himself from Loki not that Loki was inherently bad because he was adopted. It’s like when your friend does something stupid and you say to everyone around you, “I don’t know him.” Second of all, I’ve seen Problem Child. I know how these kids are. Pure evil!
• Reese Witherspoon’s dad is being accused of bigamy by his first wife. This is confusing.

Haha

• Biff Tannen of Back to the Future fame has a business card that answers everyone’s annoying questions about Back to the Future.
• In disturbing news of the day, Bethenny Frankel made out with The Situation. People still trying to decide who was the step down for the other.
• Chris Brown’s girlfriend’s new “promise” pinky swear tattoo isn’t on her pinky and it’s just a rip-off of Rihanna’s “Shh…” tattoo. Karrueche Tran, you’re doing it wrong.
• This is why you don’t take group prom pictures on a pier.

Girls, Girls, Girls

• Penelope Cruz wraps her cleavage in gold in Harper’s Bazaar. (Site sNSFW)
• Katy Perry goes all goth for the NARM Awards. Will slit her wrists with a butter knife if you say anything about it.
• Emma Roberts prefers the short shorts.

Watch

• Patrice Wilson, the producer of Rebecca Black’s Friday, has a new followup that takes place on Saturday called H.A.P.P.Y. It’s just as terrible.
• As a tribute to Mother’s Day, here’s all the advice given by TV moms.
• Japan makes the most realistic wiggling robo-butt.
• More photos from Prometheus.

TIME goes for the gold by pushing the envelope with their new cover featuring 26-year-old parenting blogger Jamie Lynne Grumet popping her nipple into her three-year-old son Aram’s mouth. [via Hypervocal]

What?

• Draw Something is a lot more fun when every drawing has a fuhrer in it.
• Obama sort of voiced his support for gay marriage yesterday. Fox News reports.
• The time Mitt Romney held a kid down in high school and cut his hair.
• Kate Beckinsale refuses to embrace technology preferring to still use a flip phone and walk around with a fork full of peanut butter for some reason.
• Only a few people can make a really tight dress work. Brooke Burke is one of them.
• FHM India decided to just get porn stars to pose for them now. (Site NSFW)

See It

• The dismantling of the Forever Marilyn statute in Chicago seems really symbolic. What with her legs being split from her body like that.
• It’s ironic that Miranda Kerr is a thin Victoria’s Secret model while her kid already has rolls on his arms and four boobs.
• Paulina Gretzky, Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, was at the Deadmau5 concert in Vegas last weekend and let’s just say she didn’t get her tits from dad.

Absorb It

• You’d think sex offenders like Brent Kellogg would be smarter than to watch porn at McDonald’s.
• These are the 6 worst trailers that you’ll hopefully never remember seeing.

Below: Gwen Stefani and No Doubt are back in the studio for their new album.

Here’s Jon Hamm giving advice to teenage girls because that’s the hot thing to do now.

Don’t forget to enter the Drake contest to win a pair of tickets.

Cause & Effect

• Miley Cyrus’ movie Lol bombed at the box office. It didn’t help it opened up the same weekend as The Avengers.
• In the wake of MCA’s death, Beastie Boys’ album sales have skyrocketed.
• Jennifer Aniston will reunite with Jason Sudeikis in We’re the Millers where she’ll play a stripper. Because deepthroating a banana in her last movie worked out so well.
• Mila Kunis saved a man suffering a violent seizure. *Practicing fake seizures right now*
• Hair pioneer Vidal Sassoon lost his battle with leukemia.

Ludicrousness

• Will Smith went to Asia to promote Men in Black 3 where, judging by the pictures, he continually screamed “Godjirra” at the Japanese people. What a dick.
• Chris Brown got a tattoo of his girlfriend Karrueche Tran’s face on his arm causing Rihanna to freak out. She ended up at the hospital after partying too hard after the Met Gala. Allegedly.
• Here’s a fantastic trick by Rob Dyrdek. It’s called: walking through a glass door. Otherwise known as, how much does a fake glass door cost?

The Tail End

• The lawyer representing the John Does suing John Travolta for trying to get them to give him a blowie says more masseurs are about to step forward.
• Here’s Octomom trying not to gag. Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with that self-pleasure porn she was shooting.
• Pretty much why this kid gets his ass kicked in school.
• God, Kellly Brook is so perfect.