Owen Wilson and Jade Duell had a kid five months ago but Owen still wants to bang a bunch of other chicks and hang out with his guy friends while still being a family man.

Jade didn’t like that proposal so Owen Wilson dumped her so he wouldn’t have to cheat behind her back. Aww, Owen sounds like a prince among men.

I wonder if Owen has ever done a girl with his nose. If I was a girl, I’d be curious. Maybe even… bi-curious.

Owen Wilson and his girlfriend of more than a year are having a baby. Says his rep to EW in a statement, “Owen Wilson and Jade Duell are happy to be expecting a baby.” Wait, isn’t that what I just said?

As I’m told, no other details have been released and why would there be? This is the guy who brought us Little Fockers and Marmaduke. Go have your baby, you doofus, and think about maybe giving us something like Wedding Crashers again because that was genuinely funny. Unlike Starsky & Hutch. I mean, come on. Really?

The sense of entitlement surrounding celebrities is atrocious. They think just because they’re blessed with the ability to read words off paper they’re above normal people. Take Owen Wilson at the vegan takeout place One Lucky Duck for example. Wilson was waiting in line when he got tired of standing with the peons and booked it past everyone to place his order in the kitchen.

“I guess he thinks be cause he’s Owen Wilson he doesn’t have to wait.” His rep told us, “If it indeed happened, I’m sure it was inadvertent.” Eatery owner Sarma Meln gailis added, “He’s a friend . . . and it’s perfectly normal for him to come wander about in the kitchen . . . Nothing for people to get miffed about.”

Someone should have spoken up. I would have said, “Hey, dickhead. Looks like you stepped out and lost your place in line. You’re gonna have to go to the back.” Well, I wouldn’t have said it out loud. Maybe muttered under my breath. Okay, I’d be only thinking it. But I’d be thinking really hard about it while shoving past everyone for Owen’s autograph.

While Angelina Jolie is being nominated for her fancy awards, Jennifer Aniston is promoting Marley & Me in Germany by eating dog biscuits. Point, Aniston.

Aniston and Owen Wilson showed up on Wetten Das on Saturday where they were asked to participate in “canine games” which included eating doggy treats. Aniston commented that they were “a little dry.” Also, that it left her with an empty feeling. Although, that could have been from the part of her that just died.

Kate Hudson broke it off with Owen Wilson a short while ago and now she’s seeing/dating/whatevering Lance Armstrong. OK! Magazine via MSNBC says Owen Wilson is pretty upset about it and has been prancing around town with Kate Hudson lookalikes.

Wilson, who has been in Philadelphia working on the film “Marley & Me,” is said to have been spotted getting cozy with a blonde lady friend at a local Rick’s Cabaret on May 15, then at club G on May 16. A clubgoer told OK! that the actor “looked pretty upset” and was “drinking and sulking.”

What better way to get over Kate than to date women who kind of look like her, but aren’t quite on the same level. That way Owen can make them do things that Kate never let him do like anal or that ball gag and live octopus thing which is “totally normal, baby. Celebrities do it ALL the time.”

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have split. Again. This was bound to happen. It was only a matter of when. PEOPLE reports:

“It was a pretty bad breakup,” says a Wilson pal. “Owen said it was a tough one. He definitely doesn’t want to dwell on it. He wants to put it behind him.”

Owen bounced back quick. Plus, no suicides this time which is always a good sign.

“He was pretty chummy with the ladies … he was certainly doing some sweet talking,” according to an onlooker. “He looked happy to be there hanging with them.” The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde. Says a Hudson source: “She feels dumb thinking it was so serious.”

Kate started dating Owen back in 2006. After they broke up, Owen Wilson slit his wrists for whatever reason. A few weeks/month later, Kate dumped then boyfriend Dax Shepherd and went back to Owen.

What have we learned? Attempted suicides get you all the hot chicks. Which is why I’m threatening to kill myself. Come to me Kate. I’m a wounded bird ready to be nurtured back to health. Um, wait, masturbating too much can lead to death, right? Whatever. There’s only one way to find out.

Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston may be an item says Star. The two are currently filming Marley and Me in which they play husband and wife. Sources on set report that they hugged a lot. Which, as anyone knows, indicates penis in vagina type shenanigans.

“The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling,” one crew member tells Star. “They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly.”

Before they even started filming, Owen and Jen started bonding. Back in October, Star reported that they were speaking regularly by phone and Jen sent Owen some of her favorite books, including The Power of Now. At the time a source close to the actress said, “Owen has come to rely on Jen’s phone calls.”

Jennifer Aniston is a boring actress. Watching her is like sitting in front of a brick wall waiting for something to happen. “Look! I think it just. No. My mistake. It’s still just a bunch of red bricks.”

Owen Wilson was seen driving away from Kate Hudson’s home on February 23 which means they’re definitely doing it. The two dated previously before Kate broke it off and inexplicably ended up with Dax Shephard.

“They are hooking up,” a Wilson insider told Us. Confirms a Hudson source, “They have definitely been talking, hanging out and, yes, hooking up.”

Kate Hudson was also rumored to have hooked-up with Justin Timberlake, but sources say that their relationship is very casual. In conclusion, Kate Hudson is awesome. Do you think if I wear this polka dotted bow tie and high-water pants Kate will find me irresistible and want have sex with me on the side too? Nothing serious I mean? If I wear this fedora, do you think she’ll let me try anal? I heard girls are powerless against fedoras. Was I misinformed?

In these pictures we see a supermodel named Le Call traipsing about the beach in a bikini. What we don’t see in these pictures is her current boyfriend Owen Wilson. Quite odd because when a couple goes on vacation in Hawaii, they are often photographed together. Maybe Owen Wilson is not in these photographs because he’s locked in the men’s room. Maybe there is a closed for cleaning sign outside the door and maybe a certain individual threw into the ocean the only key to the windowless bathroom. But, I’m not one to deal in maybe’s. I like to live in the now. Like, now I’m going to have sex with Owen Wilson’s girlfriend. How you ask? Well, allow me to answer your question with a question. Isn’t it rather amazing how easy it is to become Owen with just a blond wig and a comically huge nose?

Star via NYDN reports Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson were dining together Sunday at Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before they headed back to Owen’s place. Owen allegedly couldn’t keep his hands off her. This is troubling news for Jessica Simpson’s career as Owen might skew the demographics of the next installment of “Newlyweds”. She’s 27, he’s 38. That’s a large generation gap. Even larger if you factor in Jessica’s intellect.

Owen also seems to have a predilection for blondes. First Kate, now Jessica. That’s like weaning from a baby bottle to drinking straight from the cow. Milk’s always freshest at the source. If those boobs don’t cure your depression, then you are hopeless my friend. — Captain Swarthy

Despite numerous attempts, Kate Hudson cannot reach Owen Wilson. Owen’s family doesn’t think talking to Kate would be good for Owen at this moment and has effectively banned any contact from her.

“Kate has been trying to get in touch with Owen and is distraught that the family doesn’t want her anywhere near him,” says a pal. “She is very frustrated.”

People think they aren’t allowing Kate Hudson to see Owen because she’s the one that drove him to suicide, but that’s not the whole story. It’s mostly because after seeing her make out with Dax Shepherd, no one can look at her without laughing and feeling a little bit nauseous.

Three days before slicing his wrists and taking pills, Owen Wilson attended St. Monica church. Fans may have been shocked at the recent turn of events, but friends and family have been worried for a long time about Wilson’s depression and addiction to heroin and cocaine. After his break-up with Kate Hudson, his condition worsened.

“We always thought he was just too fun-loving, but now it’s obvious he was just dealing with way too much to handle,” says a family friend.

Meanwhile, Courtney Love blames Steve Coogan‘s hard partying for sending Owen over the edge. Steve and Owen were set to co-star in Ben Stiller’s film, Tropic Thunder, and Courtney used to date Steve.

“Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t comment but I care too much about Owen,” Love said.

That was random. Where did Courtney Love come from. She probably thought she could get her name in the news again. Not this time butterface. Do not fear though, I have a better way to make you newsworthy. It involves an ironing board, your face and me running away really fast.

A failed suicide attempt left Owen Wilson “bloodied and dazed”. The affable actor tried to kill himself by taking pills and slitting his wrist after an argument with a close friend. According to Page Six,

One neighbor said that when she heard the ambulance, she was surprised because Wilson never causes any trouble.

“All the neighbors like him, he’s a friendly guy. He never has any crazy parties or does anything wrong,” Betty Miller said.

But Wilson, 38 – who always appeared to be a happy slacker type – has a dark history of depression.

“It’s very upsetting. People are complicated. It’s not just one thing,” said a friend of the actor.

It’s tough being an actor. I wanted to be one when I grew up, but being paid $20 million a year and having beautiful women come up to you only for sex wasn’t the life for me. Instead, I became a garbageman. I smell like rotting fruit 24/7 and no woman will touch me, but no slit wrists yet! Just a lot of crying.