Paris is a detective

Paris Hilton isn’t one to sit idly by while some stranger rubs her antique jewelery all over their genitals.

Paris Hilton is devastated

Paris Hilton’s house in Beverly Hills was burglarized last week by a man wearing a hoodie and gloves who forced his way through the front door and stole $2 million in jewelery from her bedroom.

Paris was robbed

Sources at the LAPD say Paris Hilton’s Beverly Hills home was burglarized this morning.

Paris is a good teacher

Esquire profiled Paris Hilton and instead of a long winded essay which they’d eventually regret, kind of like when you wake up next to a fat, ugly chick after a night of drinking, they just listed a bunch of retarded things they learned from Paris.

Paris Hilton is on the prowl

It was only a matter of time before Paris Hilton’s diseased womb rubbed up against another unsuspecting actor.

Prince William is banned

Palace officials made the wise decision to ban Prince William from being within a 50 mile radius of the Paris Hilton on New Year’s Eve.

Paris Hilton wants to hook-up

After being dumped by Warner Bros., Paris Hilton is looking for a record label willing to partner with her own independent label, Heiress Records, to release a followup to her 2006 flop, Paris.

Paris Hilton is regressing

Now that she ditched her ball and chain Benji Madden, Paris can get back to doing what she does best.

Benji Madden and Paris Hilton break up

Star Magazine surprisingly beat everybody to the punch by reporting that Benji Madden, the other Good Charlotte, and Paris Hilton broke up and proved that if you throw enough darts blindfolded at a dartboard, you’re bound to hit a bulls-eye.

Two timer!

Paris Hilton, tired of her sham relationship with Benji Madden or just tired of Benji Madden in general, was reunited with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niachros at Miami nightclub Mokai on Saturday night.

Someone credible hired Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton will join Charlotte Rampling, Allison Janney and Ciaran Hinds in Todd Solondz’s “part sequel, part variation” companion piece to his 1998 film, Happiness.

Paris Hilton voted

Just so you know, Paris Hilton exercised her right to vote yesterday and used it as another opportunity for a photo shoot.

It’s all because of Paris

Whoever becomes our nation’s next president, Obama or McCain, will owe Paris Hilton their undying gratitude.

Aww, poor baby

Poor Paris spoke to News of the World and complained about being used by past boyfriends to boost their fame.

In space, Paris Hilton won’t be the only vacuous hole

Along with Moby, William Shatner and Sigourney Weaver, Paris Hilton too has paid a $200,000 deposit to secure her seat on the world’s first commercial space flight, Virgin Galactic, in 2010.