Cancer survivor Suzanne Somers has made bold claims that the chemotherapy Patrick Swayze underwent for his pancreatic cancer poisoned him. Luckily, there’s no controversy since no one cares what Suzanne Somers thinks. Somers is like that homeless guy screaming about kittens being our overlords who you nod your head at as you quickly walk by.

“They took a beautiful man” and “put poison in his body,” the “Three’s Company” star told columnist Shinan Govani at the party for Tom Ford’s movie, “A Single Man,” at the Toronto Film Festival. While Julianne Moore, Naomi Watts, Clive Owen and Colin Firth made chitchat, Somers, who has a book about cancer coming out next month, said: “Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins? . . . I hate to be this controversial . . . but I have to speak out.”

Wait. I’ve changed my mind. Suzanne Somers may be on to something. Why has Western medicine yet to discover that mixing a bunch of common foods like honey, barley, rosewater and red pepper can flush out cancer from your body like Draino? It’s so obvious.

Patrick Swayze passed away today at the age of 57. Swayze, who shot to fame with Dirty Dancing and Ghost, was battling pancreatic cancer for the last 20 months. Initially given a dismal prognosis, Swayze persevered, convincing A&E to go on shooting his series, The Beast, while he underwent chemotherapy and took an experimental drug.

Alas, he succumbed to the disease today. Upon hearing the news, his family members and fans all swore to punch that stupid cancer in the face. Cancer, of course, is what they’ve nicknamed Spencer Pratt and although there’s no reason punching Spencer in the face should make people feel better about Swayze’s death, it somehow did and still does. [LAT]

Marley & Me over Bride Wars: I guess people like dogs.

Patrick Swayze is in the hospital: Not only does Swayze have pancreatic cancer, he now has pneumonia, possibly due to a change in his chemotherapy regime. He’ll be in the hospital the next few days for observation. Swayze recently commented that he may not even have five years left. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is walking around as the picture of health. Life is fair.

Dexter married his sister: Michael C. Hall eloped on NYE with his Dexter co-star, Jennifer Carpenter, who plays his sister on the show. What are the chances viewers are going to pick up on the sexual chemistry between these two. This is gonna be awkward.

Nicole Kidman thinks her movie sucks too: Speaking to the Sydney Herald, Nicole Kidman admits she’s not very proud of her performance in her latest epic, Australia. Specifically, Nicole says, “I can’t look at this movie and be proud of what I’ve done. I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, ‘Am I any good in this movie?’ ” The person who interviewed Nicole said it was the strangest thing ever. Even though she sounded depressed, she had a permanent smile on her face.

The National Enquirer broke the story about Patrick Swayze’s pancreatic cancer yesterday, but may have exaggerated when they said he only has a few weeks left to live. Swayze’s physician, Dr. George Fisher, says he is responding well to treatment and is very optimistic about his progress. Even with the treatment, Patrick will continue to work. He is currently filming both a movie, Powder Blue, and a tv movie, The Beast.

Are they saying Patrick doesn’t need a new pancreas? Because I’d still really love to give him Paris Hilton’s or Lindsay Lohan’s. No charge or anything. All I need from him is a bathtub full of ice, a medical book, a serrated knife and we’re good to go. Also an alibi. One of those would be nice too.

Patrick Swayze’s rep confirmed an earlier story from The National Enquirer that he has pancreatic cancer and only has a few weeks left to live. His rep told Page Six that 55-year-old Patrick was diagnosed a month ago and that he “underwent a serious “gastrointestinal procedure” at Stanford University Medical Center.” The average life expectancy of someone with this type of cancer is six to nine months.

Holy crap. That sucks. I thought this was one of those exaggerated stories. Double holy crap because the National Enquirer was right again. Do they do pancreas transplants? Because I’d gladly offer him Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan’s pancreas. No questions asked.

The National Enquirer makes shocking a claim that Patrick Swayze has five weeks to live. Patrick has been flying to and from Stanford University’s cancer center for chemotherapy. However, the cancer was not responding.

“He was told he could have two more treatments, but his cancer was not responding. In short – they held out little hope for a cure,” said an insider.

The man who danced into the hearts of audiences worldwide in the 1980s in Dirty Dancing and then broke them in the poignant love story Ghost in the early ’90s has lost more than 20 pounds in the past few weeks and is restricted to a liquid diet because he has trouble keeping down solid food, added the insider.

“It’s time to start praying for a miracle.”

Note that this is from The National Enquirer. Even though they have been right on occasion, they’re still hit or miss with their info. A lot of their stories seem to be made up. Like, when they profiled me in their magazine. They said I was a talentless loser with no friends. Not true. I have a friend. His name is Paddington Bear and he’s a good listener.