In 2009, Jill Kohl sued Paula Abdul for falling in her driveway while taping the reality show Hey Paula. Three years later, it finally paid off. Jill’s lawyer says Paula agreed to pay $900,000 in damages as part of a settlement. Meanwhile, the production company who was also sued agreed to pay $100,000.

When all is said and done, Jill made $1 million off of being an uncoordinated b*tch. Those years of being picked last for basketball and being the first one out at dodgeball finally paid off. Not that Paula would notice $900,000 missing anyway. She doesn’t even know where she is half of the time.

An insider tells Us that Paula Abdul is nuts. They say Paula has a list of requests every assistant that works for her must abide by. These include:

1. Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times “because she doesn’t trust her own conversations.”

2. “She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD.”

3. Abdul team members should also prepare to go through her email — and respond to family and friends as the star herself.

4. The “Forever Your Girl” singer also needed constant reminders that she is a “warrior, survivor and gift.”

It must be nice to be rich and hire someone to kiss your ass 24/7. On the other hand, it must suck to be that self-obsessed and lazy that you need other people to give you affirmations. What if Paula couldn’t get an assistant? Would she crumble to the floor, lay in the fetal position and cry about how worthless she is?

I can just imagine her assistant telling her she’s a warrior to hype her up and Paula Abdul doing the Xena scream, “Alalalalalala!”

Paula Abdul closed a last minute deal to become a judge on X Factor yesterday. She now joins LA Reid, Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole at the judge’s table. Former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and UK tv persona Steve Jones will host.

A condition in her contract for her failed Live to Dance show almost prevented her from joining X Factor but that wasn’t the main issue because it had been resolved. The main issue was Paula who didn’t make a final decision until hours before the taping. Asked what the problem was, Abdul said, “I am here, only Simon and I understand.” Which is true. No one can decipher Paula’s incoherent rambling except for Simon.

I’m surprised when they asked Paula for comment, she didn’t just say, “The sky is blue. Coke. Muffins?” She’s a terrible judge. Nothing she says is ever relevant. It’s as if when people perform in front of her, she closes her eyes and just imagines what happens and comments on that.

Paula Abdul made a frantic call to 911 last month on Valentine’s day implying that her boyfriend had kidnapped her. By the way she screams and sobs, you’d think she was in real trouble. Well, she wasn’t. She was just being a drama queen.

Seconds after sobbing “I wanna go, and he won’t let me!,” Paula says to her boyfriend, “Are you gonna drop me off ’cause I have emergency on the phone” and then she tells the operator, “He’s dropping me off.” (audio here)

Officers got in touch with Paula about an hour later and she said it was just a verbal dispute.

We’re told Paula and the guy were driving near Santa Barbara when the epic argument erupted. Cops went to her house that night and found she was fine. Paula did not want to file a police report.

A spokesperson for Abdul tells TMZ, “Arguments with loved ones are often times heated. After the call was made everything was worked out.”

I’m glad Paula took the time to give 911 a play-by-play of her fight. The police have nothing better to do besides be used as pawns in a psychotic woman’s verbal argument. Maybe next time Paula can call the cops and scream hysterically about a jar of peanut butter she can’t open. “The lid won’t come off! It’s on too tight! Are you going to open ’cause I have emergency on the phone. Okay, it’s off! *Click*” Naturally, that would be the highlight of anyone’s day.

In related news, Paula’s new show Live to Dance may be done just after one season. Suffice to say, 2011 is starting out great for her.

Paula Abdul was recently in talks with ABC to be the host of the Star Search reboot but has nixed the idea. A source says that Paula is only off the project “at this time” meaning she could easily change her mind.

Besides hosting VH1′s Divas last year, Abdul hasn’t had any other gigs. A good thing because who really gets excited about listening to some old batty woman mumble nonsensical wishy-washy opinions into a camera. Listening to Paula talk is like playing a record backwards. There are those unusual moments of clarity where things seem to make sense, but everything quickly devolves into gibberish a few seconds later.

[March 16, 2010: Paula Abdul pictured going to see the musical 'In The Heights' and then going for dinner in New York City. Images: INF]

Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul were always bickering like an old married couple on American Idol which is why Simon may be talking to Paula about being a judge on the US version of The X Factor. Sources aren’t sure how far along the talks have gotten.

While this may seem odd at first, if you think about it, this actually makes perfect sense. I’m not joking either. Simon needs a whipping boy, er, girl. That’s what makes shows like Idol so entertaining. It’s sort of like yelling at the mentally handicapped. They get all mad and huffy and don’t realize you’re only arguing with them because you think there’s humor in engaging with someone who’s way beneath you in intelligence.

Paula Abdul did a McSkat medley to open her new show DIVA. Don’t ask me the show’s premise because I have no idea nor do I care. The fact that Paula could barely lip-sync through her own music was enough to turn me off of typing “Paula Abdul DIVA” in Google. Anyway, if you want to check out a still bitter Paula fail on stage while images of Mc Skat Cat and Simon Cowell flash behind her, be my guest. I’m not going to stop you.

And if you’re somehow still interested, god knows why, below is a clip of Paula mocking Ellen Degeneres (Degeneres replaced her on American Idol). This is like when your girlfriend breaks-up with you and you pretend to be fine, but you’re not and it’s clear you’re not because you keep talking about her and making fun of her new boyfriend. Then things get really awkward, like here, when your friends walk in on you dressed as the new boyfriend pretending to have a romantic dinner with your ex who is now a mop with a wig.

Paula Abdul took to the internets to announce her latest place of employment, VH1. For an entire evening, Paula plans to take the stage and host VH1 Divas. What a relief it must be to have suffered through a lengthy unemployment and then be presented with the opportunity that requires one full night of effort. Still, I give it a week’s worth of her Oxycodone and gin supply before she announces she has quit due to VH1 not paying her in bunnies. Paula twitters,

“Hi guys! im really excited 2 announce ill b hosting this year’s “Vh1 Divas”!The show will be live on Sept 17th @ 9 pm EST”. She then said, “This year’s VH1 Divas show will honor Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Jordin Sparks, Leona Lewis and Miley Cyrus- I am so excited!!”

I know Paula can be a little incoherent so I’ll happily translate her last twitter for you. *Ahem. “This year’s VH1 Divas show will honor fat, fat, fat, hot, and young whore. I am so drunk!!”

Paula Abdul departed American Idol on Twitter and as of yet has not landed a new gig. There were talks of her being a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, but that was nixed by judge Mary Murphy. Then she was supposed to make a guest appearance on Ugly Betty, but that didn’t go through either. Paula isn’t on Dancing With the Stars either despite higher-ups campaigning for her to sign on.

“They actually really needed her as that big name,” said person who had direct knowledge of the talks. “They didn’t really want Tom DeLay as their most-buzzed-about contestant.”

So when are we going to hear her incoherent rambling again? Most likely back on American Idol if MSNBC is right. Paula is negotiating with execs, but isn’t budging on her salary. She wants at least the same $45 million 3 year deal Ryan Seacrest has. Since producers are saying hell no to that, they’re thinking of limiting her appearance to live shows to justify their lower salary.

Maybe execs have it all wrong. Who can understand what the hell Paula is talking about half the time anyway. Maybe she didn’t want a $45 million deal like Seacrest. Maybe she said she wanted Gummi Bears and an unlimited supply of rum and it only sounded like $45 million. People need a damn decoder ring just to figure out whether or not she liked a contestant.

Paula Abdul was making between $2 to $3 million a year for American Idol, but after hearing how big of raise Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell got, $45 million and $100 million, respectively, she got sad and felt she deserved a similar raise.

Early reports say she asked for $20 million. Execs took that to heart, giggled and countered with $10 million. They thought they had a dialogue going and were prepared to hear Paula’s counter of $30 million and was set to tell her that’s not how negotiations work, but her unanticipated goodbye tweet put an end to that. In fact, American Idol took that as her informal resignation, waved goodbye and did that twirly thing with their finger around their ear to signify the end of the lunacy.

We’re told Paula made it especially difficult during the negotiations because she changed management twice.

One person at “Idol” called her reaction “an emotional tweet.” You don’t learn that in law school.

Paula is going to head home today, stare into her cupboard of nearly empty bottles of liquor, look in her wallet, drop to her knees and sob, “What have I done?!” She’ll be back on the show in three weeks. This time for much less than $2 million. She’ll be happy if she even gets paid in expired Vicodins.

After weeks of speculation, Paula Abdul finally announced her departure from American Idol. Her Coke mug has run dry. Paula, surprisingly lucid, posted on her Twitter:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all… I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

How will American Idol survive without Paula Abdul’s inane banter and useless critiques? When channel surfing past this show, who will I shake my head at now? Most importantly, who will I watch struggle to form coherent sentences? Randy, Simon, Kara? No way. They’re too sober for that. The only way I’ll relive that experience now is to wait outside of a bar at closing. Still, it’s just not the same. Sigh. At least we’ll always have FOX 13.

Paula Abdul’s role on American Idol is very clear. She’s the crazy one. The one that acts drunk and makes little to no sense 90% of the time. A parrot could give better critique. People get fired from real jobs when they behave like Paula.

American Idol isn’t a real job, however, which is why they’re giving her a raise. Paula is demanding $20 million while AI is thinking around $10 million.

The story behind Sonenberg’s comments, RadarOnline.com has learned from sources close to the situation, is that the former Laker Girl and hit recording star is demanding $20 million and the other side has floated the idea of $10 million. And while Paula has regularly renegotiated her contract with dire threats of not returning, Sonenberg is talking tough and hasn’t given anyone on the network side reason to believe he’s bluffing.

If $20 million sounds like a lot for telling singers whether they suck or not, that’s because it is. When I tell the kindergartners that I mentor that Hellen Keller could sing better than them, all I get is crying, kicks to the shin and questions about who Hellen Keller is. What a bunch of retards. [Radar, LAT]

Remember that interview with Ladies’ Home Journal where Paula Abdul admitted being addicted to pain killers and spending time in a rehab facility last year? Paula just issued a statement saying Ladies’ Home Journal made it all up.

“I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life,” Abdul said. “I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

“I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility.”

I suggest from now on we begin agreeing with Paula whenever she says she’s never been drunk or did drugs. But do it in a sarcastic manner like “Suuuure, we believe you. Uh huh, never been drunk.” Sooner or later she’ll smash a bottle of Jim Beam over your head out of frustration at which point you can shout, “Ah-ha, gotcha!”