Angelina Jolie has asked a Santa Monica court to change her newly adopted son’s name to Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt. Jolie’s other children have already gone through the same process and now their own little planet Earth will be complete. Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh and Pax. It sounds like they’re living in a “Lion King” movie. If they were any richer, Angelina would build a jungle in her backyard and, every once in a while, have a tiger chase the kids around to show them how good they have it. Bring them back to their roots and stuff. That’s what I would do, but I guess that’s also why a big poster of my face is plastered in every social services center.

Sorry for the late start. My internet is down and I’m using the powers of my mind to update right now.

Before flying her newly adopted son home, Angelina Jolie’s security team learned about a plot to hold Pax for $100 million ransom once they returned to the US. Life&Style says,

An insider close to the Brad Pitt and Angelina’s security team tells Life & Style that the plot was credible and meticulously planned by a deadly gang that has pulled off kidnappings and extortion plots in the past. “They’re highly skilled operatives with little regard for human life,” the insider says.

Screw that. $100 million is way too much for a kid I just met. $500? Maybe. But $100 million? You might as well tell me you kidnapped my hamster. Don’t forget to feed him alright? He’s pretty low maintenance since he came from an orphanage. His favorite food is gruel and an occasional banana if he’s been good.

The first photos of Angelina’s new boy toy, Pax Thien Jolie, have gone to People magazine. The sale was brokered by Getty images and the price tag is rumored to be between $1.75 million and $2 million. A spokesperson for People huffed,

“Absurd,” but adds, “We don’t comment on the specifics on any negotiations.”

For $2 million, I’d sell photos of my kid too. I’ll even dress them up in a stupid outfit like Tigger or a lobster to boost the cuteness multiplier. And when I can’t bleed anymore money out of them, then it’s off to the sweatshop where both their hands and heart will turn to coal and they will never know the true meaning of love.

• Radar: Pax Pix Fetch $2m from People
• Gawker: Angelina Jolie And ‘People’: Who Adopted Whom?

Angelina Jolie has cleared the last hurdle. The U.S. Consular has granted Pax Thien Jolie a passport. Credit to Defamer who got the passport photo. Between the media and her life, Angelina has vowed to be a stay at home mom until Pax adjusts to his new life.

“I have four children and caring for them is the most important thing for me at the moment. I am very proud and happy to be their mother. Photographs and press coverage will make him upset. I’m very worried about that. I would like to say I’m sorry for bringing this into Pax’s life.”

I can help Pax adjust to a life constantly surrounded by paparazzi. When those big mean men with cameras come, bury your head in Angelina’s chest. Make sure to shake it left and right for comfort. If she’s not carrying you, run up and cling to her legs looking scared. Bonus if she’s wearing a skirt. Double bonus if she’s commando. That’s just me though. Other people will probably say suck on a juice box. Those people just don’t care as much as I do.

Angelina Jolie has successfully completed the adoption process for her new son. Jolie picked up Pham Quang Sang, now named Pax Thien Jolie, at 9 a.m. from Tam Binh orphanage where he has been living since November 2003. She completed the ceremony with her two children at 10 a.m and returned to her hotel. All that needs to happen now is for the U.S. consular officials to review the adoption and issue a passport. Jolie may be home with her new child by the weekend if all goes according to plan. According to Us Magazine,

Vietnamese press claim that that the boy is named Pham Quang Sang and will be renamed Pax Thien Jolie. Pax means “peace” in Latin, while Thien means “heaven” or “sky” in Vietnamese. Local press also reports that Jolie’s new son cried and hid during the official ceremony, and that the actress comforted him in Vietnamese. Jolie’s other adopted son, Maddox, was also present.

Every guy in the universe wishes he were Pax. He’ll be inches away from Angelina’s pillowy breasts and pouty lips whenever she picks him up. God, why are Vietnamese orphans so lucky?