One month after the birth of her kid, Penelope Cruz made an appearance showing off her post baby body. It kicked ass. Mainly because it looks like her breasts got bigger. So apart from the stretch marks, weight gain, the carrying of a parasite in your womb and the pain of childbirth, pregnancy is awesome.

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem’s son’s name has been shrouded in mystery ever since his birth. But Spanish film director Santiago Segura, a friend of the two, may have given up the goods. While criticizing a group of reporters, Segura referred to the baby as “Leo”.

“I know what you want and you don’t understand why they don’t come running to show off the baby and say, ‘Look, here’s Leo,’ ” Segura reportedly told reporters when discussing the press-shy couple.

When pressed about the name, Segura reportedly replied, “Yeah, Leo. I think so. That’s what I think I heard. But they haven’t said anything.”

There you have it. His name is Leo. My god. Finally. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve been kept awake wondering what that kid’s name was. No, but really. Leo? *Holds wrist limply*

In Spanish. On Tuesday morning, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem welcomed their first child at Cedars-Sinai as reported by Hola!

El primer hijo del matrimonio vino al mundo el pasado sábado en el centro médico Cedars-Sinai de Beverly Hills, lugar elegido por muchas estrellas para dar a luz. La actriz, tal y como era su deseo, ha estado rodeada, por su madre, Encarna y sus hermanos, Mónica y Eduardo Cruz, quienes compartieron los nervios y la alegría del nacimiento.

My Spanish is a little rusty but I think they just called Penelope Cruz a fat cow and double dog dared her to have sex with me. Oh, ‘dems fightin’ words! And also, challenge accepted.

Turns out Penelope Cruz’s reps are liars and Life & Style isn’t. A rep on Tuesday told Us that Penelope is actually four and a half months pregnant. Cruz was sporting a baby bump recently on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. So it turns out, their shotgun wedding was because of a baby. I knew it, you whore!

Remember when someone said this about her pregnancy in July: “It’s [Pirates of the Caribbean] not exactly the kind of movie you want to be doing if you’re pregnant.” Well, don’t they look like an idiot now. I bet this anonymous source is about to die from embarrassment.

Reps for Penelope Cruz have denied earlier reports that she’s pregnant.

“It’s not exactly the kind of movie you want to be doing if you’re pregnant,” a source said. The Spanish stunner joins the Johnny Depp Pirates franchise as Angelica, daughter of high seas villain Blackbeard. The flick is set for release in May 2011.

Good news for Javier Bardem because, holy crap, a baby? I’d rather Godzilla come out of her womb than a whiny baby. At least with Godzilla, you don’t have to feed and change him every two hours.

Life & Style says the main reason Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz married is because she’s pregnant and all of Javier’s attempts at pushing Penelope down the stairs have failed.

A movie insider tells Life & Style that the couple wanted to get married before their baby arrives next year.

The Spanish actress is currently filming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the fourth installment of the franchise, in the Bahamas. She’s playing the feisty daughter of Blackbeard played by Ian McShane, the nemesis of Johnny Depp’s character, Jack Sparrow. “There’s a little romance between [Depp's] Captain Jack and the character that Penélope plays,” producer Jerry Bruckheimer said recently.

So Penelope may be almost a month pregnant. Is that too late for Javier to move to another city and change his name? Because you have options here, Javier. You don’t always have to marry the first girl you get pregnant. Or the second or third for that matter.

Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz exchanged vows in a small, private ceremony at a friend’s home in the Bahamas early this month. The two started dating in 2007 and have kept it on the down low since then. Hence, there’s nothing interesting to say about these two. I could have written about a piece of chewed gum I found under a desk and it would have been more exciting.

[Fame]

Elizabeth Banks, Jennifer Lopez, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mariah Carey, Penelope Cruz, Rachel McAdams, Anna Kendrick and Tina Fey (click on their names to go to their galleries) also showed up at the Oscars. The Academy should institute a new rule where you have to have made at least one decent movie before you’re allowed at this thing. That would effectively eliminate half the guests including Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey and Tina Fey.

By the way. Does anyone know who Anna Kendrick is? Without looking on IMDB? I finally gave in and put her name in just to find out she was in that Twilight Movie. The least she could do was slip a nipple for making me go through all that trouble.

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem hit up the beach in Brazil to play a little “No, YOU’RE ass is firmer!” before Penelope left for Rome to attend the premiere of Nine. Here they are frolicking in the waves and grabbing each others asses. And here I am staring outside wondering what it would be like to bask in the sunshine without it burning my fragile skin.

Update: Pictures taken down by request. Here’s Victoria Beckham instead.

Penelope Cruz spoke with Marion Cotillard for Interview Magazine about why she became an actress, what her obsession with Pedro Almodóvar is and how she based her role in Nine on The Pink Panther.

COTILLARD: How do you prepare? I know that for Nine, you watched a lot of Italian movies.

CRUZ: Yes, I watched a lot of Italian movies and also movies with Italian actors working in English, because I had to do an Italian accent. I’ve played an Italian before, but in that film I was speaking Italian, so this was the first time doing English with an Italian accent. I also watched a lot of musicals. And then for my character, Carla, one of my little secrets is that she made me think about the Pink Panther—for some reason, that’s the image I was getting.

COTILLARD: That was your inspiration for Carla?

CRUZ: It was one of them. Because I think she’s a little bit goofy—not that she tries to be funny, but something is a little bit off about her. And at the same time, I wanted to have an image for the musical number. The musical number had to be sexy, and thinking about the Pink Panther would help me get into the mood. But I never told that to anybody! When I was climbing the ropes to the ceiling, all I could think about was the Pink Panther.

She also says she always starts kissing Meryl Streep when she sees her at awards ceremonies. Which is a little awkward. For me. Because my penis is really confused right now.

COTILLARD: I have a question that might be four questions in one. What inspires you—as an actress and as a woman? Because I guess those are sometimes different inspirations.

CRUZ: Yes, yes. As an actress, I really love people like Anna Magnani and Debra Winger. I also think there is nobody better than Meryl Streep. I watch her movies over and over again—I saw Silkwood [1983] again a couple of weeks ago, and it made me just want to kiss her feet. We only know each other from seeing each other at awards ceremonies or those kinds of events, but whenever I see her, I always go up to her and start kissing her. I don’t even say anything—I just kiss her. She must think I’m some crazy person. [both laugh] And then, from the women in my life, I have to say that I have a very special relationship with my mother. She had me when she was 21,
so she was very young. I’ve always been able to talk to her about everything. Since I was a little girl, nothing was taboo in my house. She’s been the person who I’ve looked to for inspiration for many of the characters that Pedro writes because she’s really a force of nature. She’s very strong.

Yes, yes. It’s all coming together. Step 1: Dress up as Meryl Streep. Step 2: Show up at an awards ceremony that Penelope Cruz is attending. Step 3: Attempt to hide my erection while Penelope Cruz makes out with me. It’s so easy!

It’s nice to see that when Winter rolls in, Penelope Cruz can use her amassed wealth to escape from the treacherous cold to a warmer, much more exotic local to sunbathe in. It’s almost as if she’s mocking us common people. To that I say, so what? You may be in St. Barts enjoying a carefree life, but I have a microwave in which I can heat water with to enjoy many manufactured packets of hot cocoa. Your life’s not so great now, is it?

Did I say humorless? I meant humorful. Is that a word? I don’t think so because it’s being underlined in red. I’ll have to look that up. Anyway, in an effort to generate more publicity for his new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen wrote a fake production diary for The New York Times. He touches on various subjects including, but not limited to, Javier Bardem’s need for direction, flirting with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz and a three-some which almost became a four-some, but turned back into a three-some.

JUNE 15

Work finally under way. Shot a torrid love scene today between Scarlett and Javier. If this were a scant few years ago, I would have played Javier’s part. When I mentioned that to Scarlett, she said, “Uh-huh,” with an enigmatic intonation. Scarlett came late to the set. I lectured her rather sternly, explaining I do not tolerate tardiness from my cast. She listened respectfully, although as I spoke I thought I noticed her turning up her iPod.

AUG. 20

Made love with Scarlett and Penélope simultaneously in an effort to keep them happy. Ménage gave me great idea for the climax of the movie. Rebecca kept pounding on the door, and I finally let her in, but those Spanish beds are too small to handle four, and when she joined, I kept getting bounced to the floor.

Woody Allen is 98 years old and had this diary not been filled with self-deprecating humor, it would have turned creepy really quick like that one time my parents left me alone with some old guy who kept giggling and asking if I wanted a lolli. Dude, I’m nine. I’m over lollis. But if you have a ring pop…

Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz star in Woody Allen’s new comedy Vicky Cristina Barcelona and I don’t know the synopsis or anything, but Scarlett and Penelope have a make-out scene which is more than enough reason to go see it. And since the movie is opening soon, here’s Scarlett promoting it.

When they shot the scene, “there were like 60 crewmen [sitting around] eating salami sandwiches!” Johansson said at the movie’s Los Angeles premiere Monday. “It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine!”

Besides, she added, “these characters are in love with each other! Oh my gosh! People are so conservative!”

Tsk tsk. Those are very poor promotional skills Scarlett. You should have said, “At first I wasn’t into it, but when our pouty lips touched, we felt a surge of excitement rush through our bodies and we just had to stick our tongues down each other’s throats. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.” You would have had me at pouty. By the time you got to the tongue thing, my boner would have torn through my pants. Alas, you said something about being surrounded by a bunch of men and salami sandwiches, which isn’t that bad since there’s a joke in there somewhere. It’s just… I couldn’t find it and I don’t think I want to.