First off. Arrrgggghh! Why?!

Whew. Now that that’s out of the way. Jennifer Aniston went on Ellen DeGeneres’ show on Wedesnday to promote her movie Just Go With It and the interview devolved into a story about the time she confronted Perez Hilton, celebrity blogger employer.

“I ran into Perez Hilton in a garage,” she said. “One of those moments you just never expect to happen. I had finished dinner with a girlfriend and we were driving out and I saw this tall, long, lean person and I say, ‘Who is that?’ And she says, ‘I think that’s Perez Hilton.’ I said, ‘No. I have to say something to him. I have to.’ So I pulled up and we were sort of scoping each other out as I was pulling the car up. I just rolled down the window and I was like, ‘Hi.’ And he went, ‘Hi.’ We stood there like two deer in headlights. And I just said, ‘Come here. Just talk to me for a second.’ It was one of those great moments. It was a lovely meeting and I was just like, ‘Why are you so mean?’ There’s something really great about putting a human being in front of another human being and then the reality that those words, even if it’s for humor or effect or whatever, there’s a human being behind all of that…And he’s kept it up too which is good.” (Advocate)

Give me a break. There’s a reason Perez Hilton’s site turned into an amateur Just Jared. Drawing semen dribbling down people’s faces and outing celebrities doesn’t bring in as much money or contacts as a celebrity circle jerk does. Piggybacking off the gay bullying stories to promote his site’s nicer style was great for publicity.

Anyway, the LA Times blog asked Perez if there was any truth to this meeting and he gushed, “Ahhhh! Jennifer Aniston talked to me!,” like the hand of god just gave him a reach-around.

“I had not talked about meeting Jennifer Aniston out of respect for her and respect for the situation. It was actually a very powerful moment, I think for both of us,” he told the Ministry. “I told her the answer I would always tell myself — at the time, I viewed her as a character. I think it was very cathartic for her and for me.”

Let’s not make this into something it’s not. Jennifer Aniston asked him why he was being such a dickhead and this keyboard warrior got stars in his eyes. There was nothing cathartic about it.

Granted, I wouldn’t be any different. If a celebrity ran up to me and asked me straight up why I’m such a douche to them on the internet, I’d pee myself a little and wave my hands at them shouting, “No ingles!” Then I’d run home to my friends and tell them how so and so talked to me while I fluttered my hands in the air like I was trying to keep from fainting.

Perez Hilton tweeted over the weekend that 50 Cent was a douchebag. This wouldn’t be news in itself because nobody cares about Perez Hilton but 50 Cent decided to respond with a joke. It was a little over the top but proved effective.

50 Cent tweeted the picture above with the caption “Perez hilton calld me douchebag so I had my homie shoot up a gay wedding. wasnt his but still made me feel better.”

Of course, Perez always has to have the last word so he responded, “50 Cent joking about violence towards gays is about as expired as the days when he used to be musically relevant.”

Apparently 50 Cent has nothing better to do than hang out on Twitter all day so he posted another picture with the caption, “Now the Pink suit mafia is making threats! Fuck dat I ain’t never scared.”

Then 50 told Perez to calm down and his next song will make his “sweet ass” dance. Then Perez said 50 Cent is gay because he talked about his “sweet ass”. And thus concludes As the Twitterverse Turns.

That was exciting, right? I was on the edge of my seat the entire time.

I wasn’t going to cover this because it was stupid but it’s turning into sort of a big deal.

Last week, photos of 17-year-old Miley Cyrus on the set of her new music video were taken. One of them included a shot of Miley climbing out of a convertible with seemingly no underwear. The pictures were asked to be taken down but not before they were downloaded.

Early Monday morning, Perez Hilton posted the blacklisted shot on his Twitter for his 2 million followers to see. He wrote, “If you are easily offended, do NOT click here. Oh, Miley! Warning: truly not for the easily offended!” Everyone now says Perez crossed into kiddie porn. From CBS:

But it’s the celebrity blogger that might need a warning. Cyrus is underage. Police might consider her naked image child pornography.

Recently, Cryus has been facing a barrage of criticism for being too sexy due to skimpy concert outfits and her edgy single, “Can’t Be Tamed”

It is unclear if Hilton will face any legal trouble, but he might be setting himself up for yet another celebrity feud.

Although, if he were ever taken to court for it, they’d have to first prove it was child porn. A lawyer could argue that it isn’t because the intent wasn’t there. But Salon interviewed a criminal defense attorney who specializes in child pornography cases who says Hilton’s liability is “extraordinary and intense” and it was “suicidal for him to do this.”

“We’re not talking about a misdemeanor. You don’t have to know what the definition of the law is; all you have to do is knowingly distribute the photograph” — which Hilton, or someone with access to his Twitter account, most certainly did. It doesn’t matter much whether Hilton took the photo, owns the photo or published the photo — as long as he knowingly distributed the link.

Another issue is Miley Cyrus was actually wearing underwear on set. You can sort of tell from the photos here. In the upskirt photo, however, it looks like she isn’t wearing any so it might have rode up.

Either way, Perez is a moron for even linking to it because now he might go to jail and there’s no way someone like Perez Hilton could survive there. There is no Twitter in jail for you to tweet for help as you get raped.

After Perez Hilton was punched in the face, he took to the interwebs to play the victim. He said he didn’t think about the consequences of his action of calling Will.I.Am a “fucking faggot.” It took two statements on his site, but Perez finally apologized. Sort of. Well, not really. He still played the victim and said violence should never be the answer. He even blubbered like an idiot on video. The whole thing is pretty reminiscent of that annoying kid in school who thinks he can hurl abuse at people, but whines incessantly when he gets beat up. That’s Perez Hilton. The kid in school no one likes.

Anyway, Perez’s comments drew the ire of GLAAD who called for an apology. Perez didn’t apologize to them, of course (although he did say he “could care less about them”). He merely released a self-serving statement apologizing to the gay community that he has single-handedly helped soooo much and promises to never use the F word again. He also vowed to donate any money won from his lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas and guy who punched him, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

Oh, but wait.

The Matthew Shepard Foundation doesn’t want his money. A statement released by Judy Shepard reads:

The Matthew Shepard Foundation was surprised to learn this morning via media reports that blogger Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) has announced he plans to donate, to our organization, the proceeds of a lawsuit he is contesting over an altercation which has been widely reported in recent days.

We had no advance notice or contact from Mr. Hilton or his representatives regarding this proposal, nor any communication since he posted this plan to his website.

We do not know the details of the lawsuit, whether it has been filed, the nature of his claims or the likely outcome. But because the lawsuit presumably involves the physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton’s admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner.

We very much appreciate the generosity of the offer to support our continuing work to memorialize Matthew through activism in defense of sexual minorities and in favor of understanding, compassion, and acceptance. But because so much of our work involves education to reduce the use of hateful language against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, or those so perceived, it would be inappropriate for us to benefit financially from circumstances in which such a verbal attack was involved.

While we applaud Mr. Hilton’s apology to the LGBT community and their loved ones for his use of such a slur, we also feel compelled to point out that use of epithets can often lead to physical violence, as it appears it may have in this case, and that the Matthew Shepard Foundation has worked for more than 10 years to bring to people’s attention the consequences of hateful or intolerant language.

To sum it up. Judy sees through Perez’s bullshit and has decided to turn away his blood money. And you know that parade Perez plans on marching in in D.C. this October? You’ll know exactly where he is because he’ll be surrounded by a ten foot radius of emptiness as if he had the bubonic plague. Perez is basically an outcast of both the gay and straight community. Even a hungry pack of wolves would steer clear of him at this point.

GLAAD has made it clear to Perez Hilton that just because he’s a flaming homosexual, doesn’t mean he can sling the word “faggot” around with impunity. In a statement sent to TMZ:

“We have reached out to Hilton and asked him to apologize for promoting this anti-gay slur, and we would ask media outlets to avoid repetition of the slur in their coverage of this story.

For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, ‘The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,’ is incredibly dangerous.

It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting anti-gay attitudes.”

Of course, Perez responded by playing the victim.

“I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Perez reasons that he was merely fighting back with non-violence. By calling Will.I.Am a “fucking faggot.” Golf clap. If Ghandi were alive today, he’d probably use this as a case study in passive resistance. Little known fact: Ghandi was very fond of using the line “your mother sucks cock in hell” against racists.

In related news, DrinkTheGlitter.com has a picture of the exact instant Perez Hilton was punched in the face (up top). I use the term “punch” loosely because from the picture it looks more like a love tap. Still, Will.I.Am’s manager has been charged with assault and will have to show up at Toronoto’s Old City Hall Court on Aug. 5. It is there where I assume he’ll be awarded a medal and keys to the city.

TMZ has video of the altercation on Sunday which led to Perez Hilton twittering for his followers to call the police for him and then the next day claiming Will.I.Am and his posse beat him up.

The footage starts in the middle of the verbal showdown. Perez and Will can be heard arguing back and forth about writing stuff on his website. This goes on for a little while until Perez can clearly be heard shouting, “You’re not a fucking artist. You’re a fucking faggot.” For a guy that champions gay rights, he sure does use that term loosely.

Shortly after, chaos ensued and someone punched Perez in the face. Perez alleges Will’s manager, Polo, hit him “two or three times.”

In Will’s defense, Perez’s words hurt. Deeply. Will’s manager merely wanted to show Perez that fists hurt just as much.

Yesterday, Perez Hilton was in Toronto to present at the MuchMusic Awards. At around 12 AM, Perez started pleading for the cops on his Twitter account. He alleged that Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards just kicked his ass and drew blood.

PerezHilton: I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

PerezHilton: I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.

PerezHilton: Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

PerezHilton: I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.

Of course, Will.I.Am had to respond to that whiny bitch so he created his own Twitter account. He wrote:

i just made a twitter account because it isnt cool for someone to blame you and blast you with lies…

Will.I.Am even posted a video response (here) in which he denies assaulting Hilton and claims Hilton called him a “faggot” outside of the club. He ended it with: “Shame on you, shame on your behavior, and that’s just messed up.”

Jesus, Perez is annoying. Even his spastic updates calling for help are grating. You could just picture him sitting in the street posting to Twitter and wiping the tears from his phone while a bunch of people gather round to point and laugh.

Perez claims that he talked to the police and that the truth will come out. By tomorrow, expect to find out Perez that was drunk, called Will.I.Am a faggot, snortled, slipped and fell face first into a tree.

Miss California Carrie Prejean hit up the Today Show to discuss her vocal opposition to gay marriage. Last Sunday, Prejean said that due to her beliefs, she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman. This morning she defended herself to Matt Lauer and told him that if she could go back and do it again, she wouldn’t change a thing. Of course, Perez Hilton, the judge who asked the question during competition, was there via Skype to bitch and moan over what Prejean said because if you don’t agree with Perez Hilton, then you are wrong. In either case, who cares if people of the same sex marry each other. It’s not going to affect me in any way. What is going to affect me is having to listen to Perez be a whiny bitch because in his world, it’s whoever screams the loudest that wins. And I sure as hell don’t want to hear that little piggy squeal while I’m trying to surf for porn.

There’s no denying the fact that Kim Kardashian is stacked. Especially at Perez Hilton’s birthday bash over on Saturday. Ignoring the fact that Perez Hilton’s birthday party actually qualifies as a photographable event and that Kim’s dress made her look fat, or fatter, this was pretty great. She’s like a damn superhero. Twice the boobs of a normal woman, more ass than a strip club and able to leap through gifting suites in a single bound. She could stop crime just by wearing a low cut dress like this and breathing heavily.

Perez Hilton needs three people to write his site, neither of them him. One to MS Paint jizz stains on photos, one to copy / paste articles and one to write cutting commentary like: “Whew! If all was not well in Ivana’s life we just don’t know what we would have done with ourselves!”