A fat Pete Doherty walked into a clothing store in Paris and demanded their fanciest scarf. Ask and ye shall receive, my friend.

For all intents and purposes, Pete Doherty should be dead by now, but he’s not. He’s actually been relatively healthy. That’s all starting to change though. Holy Moly claims that last weekend in a recording studio, Pete Doherty’s arm, tired of being jabbed with dirty needles, finally exploded. Specifically, an artery burst.

A private doctor was called but by the time he arrived, Doherty was high and started running away from him. He had to be chased down and forced to go to the hospital.

I think a cool thing to do would be to amputate Pete Doherty’s arms just below the elbow. That way he won’t be able to shoot up anymore. It’ll be his worst nightmare. It’d also be pretty funny watching him wiggle his arms in a futile attempt to grab a gun to kill himself with.

UK, you may have introduced us to Gemma Atkinson and Cheryl Tweedy and we thank you kindly for that. But your good will is completely offset by also introducing us to Jordan Price, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, who’s seen here walking to the Monarch pub with his Macbook.

Pete’s nose is busted and he looks like death. If this thing came up to me in a dark alley, my first reaction would be to scream like a little girl and then to make a cross with my fingers in hope that the holy symbol will strike fear into this demon’s heart.

In conclusion, England, you’ll pay for this.

[Image via Splash News]

Pete Doherty has commissioned his friend Nick Reynolds to create a marble sculpture of him on a cross for his upcoming show. Pete says it symbolizes being crucified by the press and is a statement about how the media has it out of him. The Sun says:

The “disturbing artwork” will be carved in marble and show Doherty being tortured, surrounded by strips of newspapers – symbolising his crucifixion by the media.

It’s true. Pete Doherty is gospel. Whenever a friend offers you that wacky tabacky or a little China white or the chance to see a live midget porn show, just ask yourself, what would Pete Doherty do? The answer will always guide you to a true path.

Pete Doherty kissed Amy Winehouse on the lips yesterday. If any one of you were thinking about doing the same, let this be a lesson to you.

Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse were seen kissing each other on the lips yesterday. I’ve never been more creeped out in my life. Even more so because Pete Doherty’s dead eyes are wide open as he leans in for it. Is he sucking Amy’s soul? Does she have a soul to suck? Which sign of the Apocalypse is this? How many showers do I need to wash off this dirty feeling? I think I’m going to be sick. This barrage of questions and emotions are apparently being felt by The Sun as well.

Not since HARRY ENFIELD creations Wayne and Waynetta Slob have two such scabby human beings locked lips. I can’t bear to think about the record level of grime passing between PETE DOHERTY and AMY WINEHOUSE.

Rumors of Pete Doherty joining Scientology have made their way to the media. After meeting Scientologist DJ Nadine Ruddy, Pete Doherty began intensely reading about the cultish religion.

“Nadine is really into Scientology. She takes her beliefs very seriously.

“Pete’s chatted a lot with her about it. He went out and bought some books to read up about it.

“He just wanted to find out more about Nadine and what she believes in.”

What an amazing new acquisition for the church. At the bi-annual Scientology meeting, they’ll ask Tom Cruise, “Who did you bring in Tom?” “Will Smith and Jada Pinkett,” Cruise will shriek while happily rocking back and forth on his heels. Thunderous applause will be heard throughout the room. Then they’ll turn to DJ Nadine Ruddy. “Who did you bring in Nadine?” She’ll look around nervously and quietly whisper, “Pete Doherty?” Chuckles and scoffs will then echo among the crowd. “No, no. This simply will not do,” they’ll reply as they shake their heads in disgust, pull out a gun and shoot her.

Pete Doherty is attempting to negotiate a $1 million deal for a documentary type show titled Kate & Pete: A Love Story which will be made up of home videos he took of him and Kate before their split. In turn, Kate Moss is suing Pete Doherty to stop him from releasing the tapes because some of them are “really raunchy” (read: sex tape).

But an insider told PageSix.com, “Kate is furious with Pete. She has contacted her lawyers and plans to get an injunction to stop the production.” Moss will be horrified if the tapes surface. “Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else,” we’re told. “She’ll feel betrayed.”

The best part about negotiating with Pete Doherty is that he’s always high so he’s pretty agreeable. Their conversation would probably go something like this:

Producer: “Pete, how about instead of $1 million we give you a lifetime supply of pancakes, brownies, chips and ice cream.”
Pete: [Furrows his brow] “Does the ice cream have sprinkles?”
Producer: [Begins salivating] “Yes…”
Pete: “You’ve got yourself a deal, potato man!”

The Sun has video of Pete Doherty, who recently completed a six week court ordered stay in rehab, shooting up heroin hours after he told reporters at the MTV Europe Music Awards he was clean and sober and even joked that he was missing hard drugs.

He stares into the camera, “cooks up” the heroin on a spoon, and fills the syringe.

His head slumps forward as he injects it into his tattooed right arm.

They were taken at the Babyshambles star’s home in Wiltshire on Friday — hours after the MTV European Music Awards in Germany.

In the footage, he is wearing the green wristband from the previous night’s ceremony — and is still in the same clothes he returned home in.

Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Maybe he was pretend cooking heroin and pretend shooting up. That Pete is such a joker. He’d do anything for a laugh. Do you really believe he would ruin his life again after all that he’s been through? I mean, come on, Pete loves drugs as much as the next guy, but he’s stronger than that. He’s innocent and also really sexy.

Love,
Kate Moss

A couple of weeks ago a story came out about Pete Doherty’s cocaine addicted cat giving birth to a crack kitty. Today,The Sun put up a picture of Pete Doherty making his cat smoke cocaine through a pipe he specially made so it could get the maximum hit. Friends of the rocker say this happens on a regular basis and causes the cat to pass out, suffer mood swings and think it can fly.

The friend said: “One in particular has borne the brunt of his drug abuse. Pete thinks it’s hilarious to get it wasted.

“He even made a special mini-crack pipe out of a bottle so it can get the maximum hit.

“But the kitten is starting to get really bad withdrawal symptoms.

“It has lost some of its balance and takes huge risks jumping over things that are too high. It thinks it can fly. It’s really distressing to see.”

I just don’t know what this retard is going to do next. Hopefully, he’ll inject himself with air. I hear it’s like, the greatest high, man.

Pete Doherty’s cat Dinger, slang for syringe, recently gave birth to a litter of five. One of the cats became sick and was taken to the vet. While under observation, they found traces of cocaine in the kitten’s system.

An RSPCA spokesman told the Daily Star: “It is a police matter, so we cannot deny or confirm the identity of the man who had this kitten removed. But it is very important to protect animals from substances that can do them serious harm.”

Whatever. When did the RSPCA start caring about pussies. Do they think they can police the whole world or something? Don’t get me wrong, it sounds like a cool gig and all, but let’s face facts. You can’t inspect them all. Wait, I forgot. We’re talking about women’s vaginas right? Real kittens?! THAT BASTARD!

After performing at the V Festival with his band, Babyshambles, Pete Doherty was arrested Monday morning at 2:30 a.m. in east London for — you’ll never believe this, it’s too shocking — suspicion of drugs possession. Pete and two others were stopped in a car in Tower Hamlets by police and remain in custody. Early this month, the court had ordered Pete to prove he was serious about rehabbing or he would face jail time.

Pete Doherty will not stop using drugs. There. See? With that statement alone, I have shown I’m smarter than London judges. If you ever wanted to commit a crime, go to London. Serial rapist? Prove you’ll stop raping and everything will be gravy. Oh, you did it again? It’s okay, it sounds like you’re really trying. Here, hang this inspirational poster up on your wall and give it another shot. Now, take this balloon animal and get outta here you little rascal. That’s what I imagine goes on in court.

In May, Pete admitted to possession of crack cocaine, heroin, cannabis and ketamine and two driving offenses. He was given the choice of rehab or jail. The choice was obvious. However, initial drug tests show Pete has made no progress in his detox program. As a result, the court has ordered Pete Doherty to prove he wants to be rehabilitated within a month or else he’ll be sent to jail.

Lachlar ordered Doherty to return to West London Magistrates’ Court for a Sept. 4 hearing. The singer left in a black minivan, poking through a sunroof to jeer at photographers as the vehicle sped away.

I haven’t been keeping count, but this is probably the twentieth time Pete has been caught with drugs and not gone to jail. The London judicial system is awesome. The prosecution could show a tape of me murdering five people and kicking a dog and the judge would say, “In light of this evidence, I sentence you to 5 years of community service.” Then everyone would gasp at the harsh sentence and the judge would have to bang his gavel and shout, “Order in the court! Order in the court!”

Update: Pete has also been banned from the streets of London.