Moderately exciting news. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were officially married on Saturday in Italy. In attendance were brother Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. Also in attendance was their two and a half year old bastard daughter. PEOPLE write: “The celebration took place in a small chapel in Brindisi, according to European news reports.”

The best part of the wedding, however, was that I wasn’t there because I would have killed myself if I had to watch Hollywood’s dullest couple get married. They look like the type of people that would fill their vows with big words no one understands like convivial and propitious. Is this a wedding or a crossword puzzle?

Maggie Gyllenhaal has given birth to her first baby girl. Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie have decided to name the baby Ramona Sarsgaard. This is both Maggie’s and Peter’s first child.

A baby with a normal name? This must be some sort of trick. The real name has got to have at least 2 a’s in a row and 3 l’s. Come on, have some sense of tradition. Something like Rolmolnaal would have sufficed. Well, that would be kind of stupid actually, but you know what they say. You’re not a celebrity baby unless you have a fucked up first name.