Last night at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards, Katy Perry debuted her new single Wide Awake while twirling around in the air over a set of fake clouds.

Pink’s husband Carey Hart was adamant that Katy ripped off his wife Pink’s performance insinuating Pink’s performance was better because she was 3 months pregnant and “actually sang the song.” Oooh, really? What? You want a cookie or something?

Apparently, if someone twirls around in the air once, all future variations of air twirling will be derivative and terrible. Let’s not even mention Katy Perry wasn’t even attempting any Cirque du Soleil moves but whatever. You’re not going to convince Carey Hart otherwise. “How can I jerk off to something that reminds me of my wife?,” he probably yelled at his tv.

Pink has been waddling around for a while so it’s about damn time she gave birth. The 31-year-old popped out a daughter, Willow Sage Hart, on Thursday in LA.

She announced via Twitter, “We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy [Carey Hart]. #beyondblessed”

It seemed like just yesterday Pink was doing acrobatics on stage at awards shows. Now she has a daughter with the hippiest name ever. Willow Sage Hart. If this kid doesn’t live on a commune and have her armpit hair braided by the time she’s 18, I’ll be shocked.

The problem with naming your kid after a product is the endless amount of ridicule they’ll have to endure. Turns out Pink and Carey Hart don’t think that will be a big deal because if they have a boy, they’re going to name him Jameson after the whiskey anyway. A girl on the other hand, they’ll be a little nicer to and name her something people won’t make fun of.

“We’re all over the place,” Pink told Billy. “I’m all about meaning, and Carey feels like he had a girl’s hair cut and a girl’s name, and he doesn’t want kids to have a weird name.

“I have to get him on the boat for originality, so I’m working on him,” she laughed.

Though the couple has yet to decide on a girl’s name, Pink revealed their top choice for a boy: Jameson.

“My dad’s name is James, and my brother’s name is Jason,” she told Billy. “[Carey and I] are both Irish, Carey’s middle name is Jason, [and] Jameson – we like whiskey. That’s a no brainer.”

At least Pink and Carey Hart aren’t fans of Butterscotch Schnapps because that kid would have been screwed. You might as well pre-swirl his head before school with that one.

According to Us, Pink is pregnant. Probably with Carey Hart’s baby. A source tells Us that “she’s 12 weeks along. She wanted to do it between tours, when she has some time off.”

Pink and Carey separated for a little while in 2008 but “Pink was determined to make the relationship solid. Now she’s really happy, and she’s excited she got pregnant so fast! She’ll be a brilliant mother.” Now they have a baby which always solidifies a relationship even more.

In other news, Pink has a functioning uterus? Mind. Blown.

Pink believes in tough love and aims to be very hands on with her future kids. Meaning, she’ll beat the sh-t out of them if they act up.

“I think parents need to beat the c**p outta their kids… I think the whole spanking thing and how it’s gotten all PC (politically correct) is for the birds,” she said.

“My dad put me through a wall; it’s the only reason I’m still alive.

“I deserved it. I would have kicked me out when I was eight… I was not comfortable with authority or rules. I was bad.”

At least someone has some sense. It’s a scientific fact that the only way to get through to one of those waddling fats kid shouting at their overworked mother to buy them more ice cream is to slap them in the mouth.

Part of Pink’s performance is a wire act where she’s suspended in air and sings. 99% of the time it goes off without a hitch. The other 1% of the time she flies into a steel barricade.

During her Nuremberg, Germany concert, Pink’s dancers didn’t secure her harness. Pink ended up being thrown into a barricade off stage. You can tell it hurt because Pink said, “that hurt like a mother fucker.” She was taken to the the hospital where she was checked out. Nothing was broken. Only bruised. Still, she was cool enough to apologize to her fans on Twitter and promise to continue her tour.

- To all my nurnberg fans- I am so so so sorry to end the show that way.I am embarassed and very sorry. I’m in ambulance now but I will b fine
- @PinkFacts didn’t get clipped in2 harness correctly,drug me off stage, fell in2 barricade. Getting xrays.I hope it at least looked cool!!!
- Ok all my lovers out there- nothings broken, no fluid in the lungs, just seriously sore. I made that barricade my b*tch!!!! Thanx nurnberg:(
- Nooo!I WON!! RT @hartluck: Fyi@pink out of the hospital+ all good.Just got the shit kicked out of her by the barrier. Steel barrier-1 Pink-0
- okay. full steam ahead people.no pain, no gain. or is it no brain, no pain? either way, i will be on that stage, even if i have to crawl:)

This is why I don’t let women do important stuff like strap me in to a harness that’s going to lift me 50 feet into the air. Women always mess things up. Like, one time I was sitting on the couch and I asked this girl to make me a sandwich. 2 minutes later, she threw a phone book at my head. Silly girl, that’s not a sandwich!

Ruh roh! During a recent (?) concert, Pink mocked Beyonce while performing Stupid Girls thereby insinuating that Beyonce was one such stupid girl. Oh, it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong. Beyonce just snapped her fingers 3 times in the air and put on her mean face. Pink doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into. Prepare to be humiliated in Beyonce’s upcoming album where she may or may not make fun of you. Because that’s how wars are fought in the music industry. With ambiguous references, son!

At a concert in Hannover last Sunday, Pink brought her boyfriend Carey Hart on stage and had a bunch of girls and one guy strip him to his briefs and hit him with feather stuffed pillows. While he was being held down, Pink then straddled him while she finished her song.

Not bad. I could do without the guy though. Thankfully he left near the end because it was probably getting real awkward for him too. If this was me and a guy had to be there, maybe he could hit me a little harder with that pillow instead of just love tapping me. The only time I want a half-naked man towering over me while I’m being forcefully held down is if he’s trying to beat me to death.

Bryan Adams did a photo shoot with Pink and… my god. I didn’t need to see this. Couldn’t he have wrapped her in long sleeves and a parka? Then maybe make her wear a gorilla suit. And then get Kate Beckinsale to stand beside her. Then ask Pink to keep taking one step back until she’s out of frame. I think that would have been a much better photo shoot.

NSFW gallery starts here.

Thinking about Pink in a dressing room conjures up images of muscular female bodybuilder types walking around naked and me hunched over a toilet dry heaving. Which is why reading this was so disconcerting. Pink wrote on her Twitter, “So awkward, standing naked in a women’s dressing room while the staff ask for autographs.” Ugh. Please, leave Pink alone so we don’t have to read stuff like this.

I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to even hear about Pink naked either. Add frogs to that list. During a bike trip through Australia with Carey Hart, a source said, “They were relieving themselves by the road when a frog jumped up and hit Pink bang in the eyes. She freaked.” Poor frog. It was probably disorientated when Pink popped a squat over it. Little guy didn’t know where he was hopping to during his momentary blindness.

Pink via Twitter would like to publicly inform everyone that she is not bisexual despite News of the World saying otherwise. She is very straight, thank you very much.

Pink posted “i just read that im bisexual. so 1991. good thing people write articles about me so i can get my facts str8. i mean straight. read on people.” Gosh. What has the world become when one’s unfounded assumption based on general stereotypes turns out to be incorrect and leads to the realization that people can’t be categorically put into neat, little boxes? Not a world I want to live in, that’s for sure.

Shocking news surfaced over the weekend. Hold on to your socks because I’m about to blow them off. In an interview with News of the World, Pink revealed she was bisexual. Oh, I know. You’re probably just as shocked as I am. Shocked, I say!

“Love is pure and I try to keep it that way. This is who I am, what I feel.

“I think it’s unnecessary to draw the subject out, but I think it even more stupid not to discuss it.

“It seems as if bisexuality is a trend and I should whip up the masses. Well, I don’t believe in trends, I just believe in me.”

How could this be?! Pink seemed so stereotypically straight. What with her nose ring, well-defined abs, pit bull-like demeanor, short, platinum blonde, butch hair. What’s next? Michelle Rodriguez is bisexual? Ha!

Pink must be honored to be the only girl able to kick Madonna’s ass. Still, in a battle between singularly named singers, there is no real winner. We are all doomed. God help us.