Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi wed in an intimate ceremony Saturday night at Ellen’s home in front of only 19 guests.

DeGeneres’s mom Betty and de Rossi’s mother Margaret Rogers (who flew in from Australia for the occasion), who witnessed the couple exchange handwritten vows.

“She’s taught me lessons about myself, and I feel like I’ve taught her,” the TV host said of de Rossi last year. “We’ve both changed and grown, and we just feel like, ‘Oh, okay, this is completion.’”

Ellen looks like the kind of person who’ll just lie there during sex, mouth slightly open, pointing to where she wants it like some sort of lesbian Jabba the Hut. As it turns out, she must be great in bed for Portia to marry her. Which makes sense because ugly people usually have redeeming qualities such as this. It comes from many lonely nights of practicing with their pillow.

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres were yachting in Sardinia, Italy over the weekend when Portia decided to go topless. Thankfully, Ellen did not because if she did, things would be a lot different. Like, imagine the internet. Now, imagine the internet puking.

The California Supreme Court announced yesterday that they were lifting the ban on gay marriages. Following this historical announcement, Ellen DeGeneres wanted everyone to notice her so she announced on her show that she’s marrying Portia de Rossi.

Just last week, Ellen told Star that Portia is “a great partner. And I mean that in every area. She is fun to hang out with, fun to talk to, fun to travel with. We’re going to Europe this summer for a few weeks. It’s our first time there together, and we’re very excited.”

Unfortunately for you, still banned in California are marriages to your dollies. Maybe you and Barbie were never meant to be together. You god damn weirdo.

Ellen DeGeneres and girlfriend Portia De Rossi were in a car crash on Friday when a woman suspected of drunk driving crashed into them. It was actually x17‘s cameraman who’s car the woman hit which was then pushed into Ellen’s Porsche.

Click on the link for the video and you’ll see the aftermath. Sadly, Ellen is still well enough to do her talkshow. God help us.