Look at the size of that thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if that baby burst through her stomach right now and went “Ooooh, yeeea!” like the Kool-Aid man.

Star Magazine did the equivalent of shouting fire in a crowded theater when they announced Snooki was pregnant in the upcoming issue of Star. An insider presumably said, “She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming.”

They try to backup their claim by highlighting posts on her Facebook and Twitter which read, “I feel sick,” and “Late night craving… yogurt hits the fricken spot!” Though, this could just amount to her being a little fatty.

Anyway, Snooki went on Opie & Anthony this morning to flat out deny the rumors. This combined with the fact that the gates of Hell have not opened is all the proof I need.

Jay Cutler dumped Kristin Cavallari and called off their wedding two days after Kristin whored out a wedding dress shoot for Life & Style. That was back in August. In November, 30 bj’s later, Jay re-proposed to Kristin and now they’re re-engaged. To make sure she doesn’t get dumped again without some sort of alimony, Kristin is now pregnant. Congrats!

“We are thrilled to announce we are expecting our first child together,” they tell PEOPLE exclusively. “It’s an amazing time in our life and we can’t wait to meet the new addition to our growing family.” PEOPLE

One of the reasons Jay can’t wait to meet the new addition to their growing family is to make sure that baby isn’t black or look like a Savage.

Sienna Miller is pregnant and it’s surprisingly not Jude Law’s baby. Her family “had had it with Jude Law and his cheating and all the back and forth.” They broke it off for good back in February.

Now Sienna is with Tom Sturridge and she’s pregnant. Us Weekly reports she and her boyfriend are expecting a child but “don’t have plans right away to marry, if at all.” Friends say the age gap of four years doesn’t make a difference because “he’s mature and he’s a good guy.”

I have a feeling that people said that about Mel Gibson one point in his life. Before all the threatening to bury his girlfriend in the rose garden if she didn’t give him a blowjob before going to the hot tub comments.

Alessandra Ambrosio’s rep confirmed to PEOPLE that the Victoria’s Secret model is expecting her second child with fiance Jamie Mazur.

When Jamie first heard the joyous news he screamed, “Aw, god dammit. Not eight months of fat sex again!”

Hooker to the stars (at least Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz) Rachel Uchitel is pregnant. Rumor has it it belongs to her husband Matt Hahn who she secretly married in October. Rachel tweeted last night, ” checking out my baby bump at 5 months…”

Oddly enough, she didn’t @TigerWoods. I would have just so he’d freak out and throw a couple million my way.

The previous Jessica Simpson post didn’t quite highlight the extent of her pregnancy. Here she is walking around New York again pregnant as can be. If Beyonce saw this, she’d be so jealous. “Why can’t you make my bump look like this and why does my bump have to fold in on itself?!,” she’d yell at her fake baby bump designer.

In more baby news, Beyonce’s baby is due in December, not in February as previously believed so this fake pregnancy is moving along faster than expected. When Beyonce pointed at her baby bump and said, “Hey, everyone, look at me,” at the Video Music Awards, people assumed she was three months pregnant.

Not true. Newly unearthed behind-the-scenes footage from her “Countdown” music video shoot reveals she’s much further along. Apparently they were off by a couple of months which explains the dramatic baby bump. Still, no one is sure why her belly folded in on itself though. The clip shows Beyonce holding up the New York Daily News which featured herself pregnant on the cover.

Mocking the caption, Bey rubs her belly and says, “Hello, it’s Sept. 23. Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby! This was on the cover of the Daily News. Right now I’m actually shooting the video for ‘Countdown’ and I’m six months pregnant, pretending that my stomach is flat in body suits. But thank god you can’t really tell from the front, but when I turn to the side … oh baby! Oh baby!” Boom Box

Wait. She was holding the paper up against a blank backdrop. Did she get captured by terrorists or something? The only thing this video is missing is two masked men holding machetes behind her. I suspect this looks exactly like all the videos Jay-Z forces her to make to tell her parents she’s alright.

Bad news, folks. There’s going to be more of these little Kardashian running around. Kourtney Kardashian tells Us that she’s pregnant for the second time and she’s nine weeks along. “You’re supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident,” said Kourtney.

Baby number two wasn’t an accident either like Mason. “It wasn’t like we weren’t trying,” Disick, 28, says. “We kind of just said, ‘If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.’”

Mason will probably tease this kid like all brothers do but all baby #2 will have to say is “you were an accident.” There’s not much you can do from there besides punching the kid in the gut. Really hard.

Laura Bellizzi, 35, a reality star who appeared in Secrets of Aspen in 2010, dated Mel Gibson over the summer and is now rumored to be pregnant with his baby. The two were last seen at the Mondrian hotel’s Skybar on June 15.

Laura and Mel are both denying the claims but an insider says she’s confided in friends that Mel’s the dad.

“Laura’s being as secretive as she can be about it,” the insider told Star. “But she’s really showing now, and people are beginning to ask the question: ‘Who’s the daddy?’” Radar Online

A source close to Mel says it’s “physically impossible” for him to have fathered a child. I disagree. Have you heard those voicemails he left Oksana? They’re terrifying. Mel probably yelled at Laura’s womb for 30 minutes and told it to blow him before it got pregnant. And it did. Both.

Michelle went on TODAY to tell everyone she’s expecting her 20th child. “I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful.” Oh, sure, blame all this on God. He’ll be real happy about that.

One of these days I’m assembling a special ops team to invade Michelle Duggar’s vagina to extract her womb and firebomb her ovaries. For the good of mankind.

Moments ago, Jessica Simpson confirmed the pregnancy everyone knew about.

It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!

By the way, she made a pun out of the announcement, dressing like a mummy, hence, “I am going to be a mummy.” If I had my tomatoes, I’d throw them at her. She’d probably unhinge her jaw to try to eat them too.

Everyone pretty much knows Jessica Simpson is pregnant and it’s becoming impossible to hide so why try. Here she is shopping in New York City not covering up with flowy clothes.

Not only that, but what better way to take the wind out of your ex’s sails than to overshadow their pregnancy announcement? “Like Highlander, there can only be one. Hi-ya!,” says Jessica as she kicks Tony Romo’s wife down the stairs.